Faith Without Sight

There is nothing like a life altering run-in with extreme difficulties to sieve out, shake up, and sift to the top what is truly important in your life. For a person of faith part of that winnowing process often includes a reevaluation of the basic building blocks of your faith; in what or whom you acknowledge as your higher power: or even affirming if one exists at all.

I was born into a family of faith and have never questioned the existence of a higher, all knowing, singular, creative, omnipotent, and sovereign power. In 45 years, there had never been an experience to ever make me quiver or question that foundation. Family member for generations had passed down that lineage of faith as their most cherished inheritance.

In my teen years, and again in my twenties, I did do an overhaul on what I believed and why, but never questioned the basic concepts of faith that point to God, his son Jesus Christ, and his Holy Spirit left here with us now to guide us in companionship with the Word. That journey of overhauling carried me into my career, my marriage, and affiliation with Garnett Church. 9/11 activated a call to arms to step out in faith and answer God’s call to professional ministry and my association with GROUP Publishing. I continued to follow His plans when, by faith, I went into administration and the resulting journey that led to my unjust incarceration.

Difficulties in life are one method that God uses that allows a person to grow in ways that you could not otherwise. To be able to say “Thank you” for those experiences even as your heart breaks (as mine has for my children) and transcend the pain with praise shows that a pivot in your faith character is being achieved.

It was a year ago today, jail day #35, while still in Tulsa County jail that God presented me with an opportunity to pivot. After a morning of being physically on my face in cell X of Unit J11 for nearly two hours I got up and went to my combination toilet/wash basin to clean my face. As I stared at myself in the cracked, scratched, and opaque reflective surface I heard God speak very clearly to me in an audible voice, not just an inner knowing, that, “if you will trust ME and have faith without doubt (Psalms 119:113) in MY plan that I will free you and clear your name in such a way that exposes all the lies and liars, exonerate you, and restore all that was lost”. (Psalms 18:19-20)

I made a quality decision right then to continue to walk in the same faith I have had for the 44 years of previous times of blessing and rich abundance. I was not going to allow a change of circumstances, venue, or perception to allow doubt a toe-hold. In the many moments of attacks of desperation and oppression since then, I have recalled that promise quite often.

400 Days. A recent conversation with Kimberly (9/24/10) has left me concerned, and questioning her faith, as I’ve shared God’s message with her and how He is revealing a new ministry to me that involves advocacy and involvement in state government. She is so adamant that she wants no part of that life. She continues to make many references to not believing our marriage can survive. I’m not sure that I want to, or can, fight to convince her to stay with me. I’m not interested in playing into her rejection/abandonment or validation issues. God is revealing to me that I may have to let her go, that He has a path for her that is divergent from mine before she can find her way back. This breaks my heart as I contemplate it, but I have faith in Him more than I have faith in my feelings.

Winnowing, sieving, and sifting is good for those whom profess faith in Christ. Kimberly continues to accuse me of saying, “everything will be the same,” when what I’ve always said since 5/5/10 is that “everything will be OK”, because God has a plan and He is in control (Rm 8:29; Prov 16:33, No Dice). Skimming the dross is a process by which God purifies and refines the gray and exposes the silver. Winnowing sifts out the chaff and exposes the true pure kernels that are the essence of our faith.

Adam and Eve were sifted, lost their position, but still found favor. Job and his wife were winnowed and greatly blessed after their trial was over. Jacob and Rachel were sieved. After the loss of their chosen Joseph, Jacob still found blessings, eventually reconciling with his lost son.

 

Added 11/27/14

Recently Satan has tried to use my divorce (11/10/14), my mother’s attempt at extortion (9/8/14), and lack of contact with my daughter (4/1/14) to get me to give up in my faith. However, I choose to refuse, and militantly embolden my allegiance to the one whom incarnated himself into the image of His creation to show the way to places of safety and sanity in the middle of our stormy hardships.

This Thanksgiving (11/27/14) I thank God for allowing me to develop an authentic faith that stands up to the difficulties He has chosen to allow into my life; an authentic training ground that will help me minister to families who suffer under the scrutiny and indignation of incarceration. I’ll forever be grateful for an ancestry of faith that sieves, shakes, sifts, and shows the way to a singular focus of faithfulness as I express the true care, compassion, and concern Christ has for those who suffer injustice.

No Dice!

As I continued to settle in the routine of incarceration and ask the Holy Spirit for
guidance and insight, I realized that my D.O.C. #, 663423, spells out in text language NO DICE. A
quick search of The Word turns up a few scriptures on rolling dice as part of casting lots. A
significant scripture that jumps out at me is Proverbs 16:33, that “People may throw [dice] to
make a decision, but the Lord determines what happens”.
A deeper study reveals that our biblical ancestors frequently cast lots to make decisions.
Lots were cast to assign lands and jobs. Drawing straws was on way to settle legal matters
(Proverbs 18:18). We read in Jonah that lots were cast to ask God to show the sailors that Jonah
was the cause of their stormy troubles.(vs 1, 7). In the New Testament lots were cast not only
to fulfill prophesy in determining whom would secure Jesus’ clothes (as was preordained in
prophesy), but also to determine who would replace Judas after his betrayal and suicide (Acts
1:26).
As part of a priests vestments, God ordained a vest of 12 jewels as well as two extra
stones of Urim and Thummim (Exodus 28:30) which were used by God to provide answers for
priests to make decisions. The vest, Urim and Thummim were used to expose Jonathan’s and
Achan’s sin. (I Samuel 14:41, Joshua 7) as well as rendering other information God wanted
affirmed for His tribes.
Proverbs 19:21 says that “we may make our own plans, but the Lord will do what He has
decided.” Proverbs 16:9 says “We make our own plans, but the Lord decided where we will go.”
Psalms 139:16 says, “even before I was born God had written in [His] book everything I would
do”. These scriptures make me wonder how much choice we truly have in determining what
free will actions we take in life. It almost sounds as if our entire life, each choice, each decision,
is predestined, if not preordained. Yet Moses exhorts in Deuteronomy 30:19 that, “I am
offering you a choice…choose life!” Why would an offering of a choice be extended if in its
choosing we are to have no effect?
No Dice! I am a planner. My lifetime in scouting taught me to “Be Prepared” as I
contemplate multiple outcomes and contingencies; proper playful planning prevents poor
performance after all. Proverbs 15:22-24 says that, “without good advice everything goes
wrong-it takes careful planning for things to go right. Giving the right answer at the right time
makes everyone happy. All who are wise follow a road that leads upward to life and away from
death,” so as Solomon and Moses advocate, I purposefully plan to choose life!
But are our choices actually ours to make, or are we acting out a pre-planned script?
Many turn to Psalms 139:16 to argue that everything, every choice I would make was/has
already been slated and recorded. What is it that God has decided (Proverbs 19:21)?
The answer to each question is the same: to be transformed into the likeness of Christ in
my character, conduct, and conversation, “restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast
(I Peter 5:10)”. Paul also says in Romans that “we know that God is always at work for the good
of everyone who loves Him. [That] they are the ones God has chosen for His purpose and He
has always known who His chosen ones would be. He decided to let them become like His own
Son, so that His Son would be the first among many children. God accepted the people he had
already decided to choose, and He shared His glory with them. (vs 10:28-30).

A Dozen Shades of Grace

One of the trendier books of 2012 was 50 Shades of Gray. The fictionalized account of unrequited lust gave millions of women a brief respite from their daily grind, or lack of grindage.

 The reality that I currently live out is infused with its own shades of gray. As offenders, we wear outfits of various achromatic degrees; socks, boxers, pants, t-shirts, overshirts, coats, liners, and caps, all in differing gravel tones.  Our dormitory is awash in glossy two-tone gray scale.  We are surrounded by the dulling gunmetal gray of chain link, reinforced by miles of glistening icy sharp concertina razor wire.  Huge swatches of gray shingles float atop our renovated 1905 two-story, former reformatories, contrasting against the brilliant blue northwestern Oklahoma sky.

The gray keeps us grounded, and off the highly valued and manicured grass as we are herded along the acres of dinged concrete sidewalk, bordered by the graying, weathered wood of decades old park benches.  The gray is reinforced each morning in our almost indistinguishable grits, oatmeal, rice, cream of wheat, and gravy. My day is lived out in and amongst the gray of indifference and incarceration; a daily reminder of an offender’s less than world.

Of recent concern is the gray that has infiltrated my once dark hair. It has subtlety peppered my scalp, with a recent shocking stalk of silver sprouting out front and center at the top of my forehead. The grayness of this wilderness type adventure in my life is at times overwhelming.  This first week of March 2013 brought with it gray skies, bitter winds, cold rain, and pelting sleet that obscured the previously emerging spring, blue heavens, and warm southern winds that had recently swept the western plains of the panhandle.  Along with the overcast weather came a gloomy mood.  While these shades of gray at James Crabtree are preferable to the oranges of county jail and the dark, dank dreariness of Lexington A&R, this charcoaled, Dark Tower, existence lacks the full colored richness of freedom. “ Gray plain all round: nothing but plain to the horizons bound.”

However, when I am tempted to fall into discouragement, God reminds me that He has covered me in His own shades of grace. Through His fluorescing grace I am able to see over those dulling gray chain links, past the deceptive glint of icy, silver-tinted razor wire to be he azure skies and greening hay fields beyond.  The concrete border of walkways frame beds of flowering beauty and ripening grass.  Along with the gloomy precipitation came a covering of renewed whiteness blanketing the dreariness.  The milling army of me in their matching uniforms of conformity allow me to see past the masks of name brands, trendy threads, and marks of economic status to see my fellow creatures of brotherhood serving in corrections with me.

God also reminds me that His word says that “gray hair is a glorious crown worn by those who have lived right” Proverbs 16:31, that the gray and His grace are in relation to each other. Proverbs 25:4 tells us that “silver must be purified before it can be used to make something of value”. Peter repeatedly speaks of a refining grace, a grace that allows for the trials that prove your faith is worthy and cannot be destroyed (I Peter 1:7).  In John Beveer’s book, Extraordinary, he points out that a life that pleases God, given to us by His grace (II Peter 1:3), activated by our faith (Acts 5:33), so that His nature would become part of us (II Peter 1:4).

When I choose to allow His grace to replace my gray, I am making a choice to become like Him in this world (I John 1:4).  Proverbs 20:29 exhorts that “young people take pride in their strength, but gray hairs of wisdom are even more beautiful”.  James reminds us right from the beginning of his letter to the Christians scattered throughout the Roman Empire not to be two-faced; to ask for wisdom. (James 1: 5-6) God wants to replace our benign, gray experiences with His wisdom and grace. He is a generous transformer. Just as He used the seas to bring revelation to the exiles “why’s?” (Exodus 14), He is replacing the why’s/y’s of my gray exile with the C’s of His compassion, care, concern, and covering.

These shades of my achromatic surroundings diffuse some of the ugliness of imprisonment and allow for the colorful ways of God’s transforming nature to be undeniable as He allows this wilderness time of refining and purifying to reveal themselves through His dozens of shades of grace.