July 1, 2016
Jail Day 1400
The past 100 days have been ones of emotional, mental, and spiritual struggles. So many milestones dates clustered around April and May (Brandon’s birthday), the anniversary of his Prodigal Absalom like betrayal, the warrant, the arrest), Monica’s senior Prom, and Graduation. There is friction at work with a fellow employee. My Federal Appeal 15-CV-130GKF-PJC is over a year old (411 days). These events and more (see day #1300) have triggered some self soothing habits to reemerge, especially abusing food to fill the voids.
I determined the first of April to run 1-2 miles a day, and have been faithful to that commitment. It’s one of the reasons that I have not blimped-out. A generous benefactor has invested in my ministry by sponsoring cookies to share with the Addicts at the Cross group that I facilitate, which I have eaten by myself one week when class was canceled due to the yard being on locked down. One weekend each canteen orderly box of cupcakes (6 2 packs) and a box of coffee cakes (8 – 2 packs) from expired overages that our vendor sent us. On a Friday prior to a 24 hour fast I ate 2 2packs of cupcakes. As soon as the 24 hour fast was up on Saturday I devoured 3 (2) packs of the tiny coffee cakes prior to dinner. I felt good for a moment, and then regret and guilt compounded by already extreme heart tension and debilitating solitude, which I was trying to satiate with the food. I immediately stepped out onto my front porch, prayed about who needed a, blessing, and gave the rest of the sweets away. I had to put a permanent chasm between the food and myself in order to make the relapsing behavior that I was struggling with stop.
When I recognized that I was reverting back to a previous behavior pattern I recalled my counseling education and celebrate recovery training and completed a H. E. A. R. T. check. I conducted a self evaluation to see, not if, but rather why I was Heart Hurting Exhausted, Angry, Resentful, or Tense Romans 12:3, 9-10, 12, 16- 17), The answer wasn’t too hard to acknowledge. I know why I was eating so much. I was, I still am at times, Heart hurting because I am so freaking lonely. I know that I am not alone. I trust God. I know that the Holy Spirit is with me, within me. I know that I am surrounded by an angelic host. However, I remain lonesome at times. I miss the physical closeness of friendship. I long to hold a hand, to give a hug, to receive “back scratch, or to have my hand massaged and nails attended to the way my wife used to do, but as a wise sage of our day says, “we ‘ve gotta let go of our ghosts (Adelle 2016)”. For a moment the sweet treats make me feel better. However, it doesn’t take long before indigestion hits, the hollowness returns, and I become heart angry with myself for momentarily accepting my feelings as facts and then feeding into them. Early on in this Prodigal saga I would ask God “Why” Now I ask, “How Long?” like Habakkuk I often offer a pleading prayer, “how long God, must I cry out for help, while you allow me to look at injustice Pv 1:20, 3A) I have the head knowledge, and the faith, to believe (v2:4), like Habakkuk, that God maintains control and that he has the freedom to accomplish His purpose in his own way. Viktor Frankl says, “You can accept the what if you have a why.” I am prayerfully waiting without fret (see Day #1300 as I endure the what and how long, because I have the answers to my whys/Y’s (see day #200 A Dozen Shades of Grace).
I trust God. I have faith in Him, His words, and His plans. I recall that sets the lonely into families (Ps 68:56) even if that family is one of a forced brotherhood of incarceration. This time of waiting has about done me in. At times I am ready to give up, but I don’t know what giving up looks like. I’m not about to kill myself, I’m not going to abuse myself with smoking or drugs .(I have not in 48 years and see no reason to begin now). I don’t have the ability to lie, scam or steal to try to enhance my poverty or sway alliances. I’m not going to debase myself in secularly acting out, as so many here do. So, I guess giving up would be quitting my job, eating myself into obesity, and allowing depression a permanent foot hold. By giving up I could succumb to my incarceration and, as a final act of faithlessness, become two-faced, and submitting to the Oklahoma Department of Corrections expectations to accept an institutionalized mind set and lifestyle.
I am sad. I am heart exhausted. I am heart resentful and tired of the lies and liars appearing to have continual victor, I am disillusioned at still being unjustly incarcerated;, and then I hear about the remarkable ministry of my daughter, As a part of a letter that I recently wrote to her on June 20, 2016 upon my 2,000,000th of imprisonment I shared, I want you to know that your strength and resilience are an inspiration to me,
“… I want you to know that your strength and resilience are an inspiration to. I have often found myself wanting to “give up” or “give in”, but then I started to become aware of how much you have had to endure the past 100 days. The house you grew up in sold in March, you had to attend Prom and then Graduation without me there to support you, you have dealt with mom’s ongoing choices to continue to become Ill, and now you are coping with the tragic passing of your boyfriends brother in one of Florida’s many recent incidents, and you remain faithful and full of hope. You are not a double minded believer (psalms1190113)! Your example of conduct, conversation, and character as you minister to the grieving Brown family is a true reflection of Christ to me!...I know you’re excited about going to Oklahoma Christian University in just a few weeks, but it seems to me as if you are already enrolled in the even more impactful School of the Holy Spirit right now!!”
I mentioned to my Addicts at the Cross Recovery/Support group, and to an older resident of my struggle recently and that I have felt like giving up. They advised, informed me really, that I wasn’t allowed to; that other people are watching, waiting, to see if I finally cave in after almost 4 years of unjust incarceration and give-up/give in to see if I can, or cannot, “walk my talk” of faith. All this being said, I pray that the Lord will not allow me to ever forget these emotions and feelings. Well after the lies and liars are exposed, the truth revealed, and I am freed from these fences (Ps, 18:19-20 I don’t want to be remiss by not “being able to minister to others in the future who suffer similar injustices, or feel the pain of the emotions I have had to recently endure. I am thankful for the struggle, for the revelations of the Holy Spirit, and the renewal that the Lord has not being double minded in the face of the challenges and struggles that God allows into our lives (James 1:7). She reminds me to set my watchman and see what God has to say (Hab 2:11) (see day #1096 ь).She is a powerful example of Habakkuk’s prayer and proclamation that “”the righteous person will live by faith (v2,4).to rejoice in the Lord, being joyful in God my Savior, because the Sovereign Lord is our strength enabling us to tread on the heights (v.4,18-19), despite how, or how long, the heart struggles around us are allowed to prevail.
