“Say your weak things in a strong voice”—Carrie Fisher
I am trying to begin the new year being the most hope filled
and positive version of myself that I can be. I should really do more than try,
but to try is the best I can do sometimes in this carceral position. However,
the recently passed Princess Leah (Carrie Fisher) said, “Say your weak things
in a strong voice”. So, I declare I am going to be more authentic, obedient,
and honest (not hesitant to speak my mine) in 2017 (which can be very dangerous
and vulnerable characteristics to exhibit paradigm).
Recently I read You’ll Get Through This by Max
Lucado. He begins with the following admonition: “You’ll get through this. It
won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. Don’t
be foolish or naïve. But don’t be in despair either. With God’s help you’ll get
through this.” (He based his writings on the epic of Joseph, which I also did
in day #1000).
He’s certainly right. It’s not been quick. It’s been
painful! It’s been 7 years (so far) of lies and liars having the upper hand.
2016 found me being foolish, naïve (day #1400, #1500) and acting out of despair
(day #1523), impatiently waiting for God to bring me some relief.
It’s taken me seven years to realize that the Lord’s
unwillingness to give me relief is not neglect. Rather, it is evidence
of His surpassing love; which seeks my eternal good. Whatever God allows to
afflict [me] is designed to protect [me] from sin, produce holiness, and equip
[me] for faithful service to Christ (C. Stanley In Touch 12.19.16).
“Everyday God tests us through problems, people, and pain
(Lucado p.61). However, God will recycle the pain. Falsely accused? Wrongly
imprisoned? Utterly abandoned? We may stumble but we do not fall. Why? [God]
works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will (Eph 1:11)”
(p.128).
On occasion, in moments of despair, I still ask “Why?” I’ve trained
myself to replace that with “Who?” (day #1300, day #1400) Of late I lament about
“When?” (day #1400), but I need to learn to substitute that with the more
important “What?” What can I learn from this experience? “Remember[ing] today
what [I] have learned about the Lord through [my] experiences with Him” (Deut.
11:2 TEV) (Lucado p. 54).
I am trying not to see this carceral experience, this struggle,
as an interruption to my life, but as a preparation for the 2nd half
of it. No one said the road would be easy or painless. But God will use this mess
for something good. “This [struggle I am] in isn’t punishment; it’s training,
the normal experiences of children…God is doing what is best for [me], training
[me] to live God’s holy best” (Heb 12:8, 10 MSG) (Lucado p. 55).
When I think about this training, as an educator, I wonder
about the curriculum and goal outcomes. What is it God wants me to learn about
to guide the next 50 years of my life? One of the things I believe He wants me
to learn is to be quicker, more immediate, in my obedience. In his book Good
or God, John Bevere interviews whom I presume to be John Baker. Baker tells
him that “it was not the judgement of God that put [him] in this prison. It was
His mercy, because if [he] had kept living the way [he] was, [he] loved Jesus,
but [he] didn’t fear him” (p. 194-195).
I get this! I love Jesus, but I do not fear Him. In fact, I
despise the notion of fearing, being afraid of, Jesus: revere and awe Him—yes;
be afraid of Him—no! Bevere goes on to postulate that obedience is the outward
evidence of the true fear of the Lord. When we [reverence] God we will…
·
Obey Him instantly
·
Obey Him even if it doesn’t make sense
·
Obey Him even when it hurts
·
Obey Him even if we don’t see the benefit
·
Obey Him to completion (p. 232)
In the spirit of Psalms 119:113, to add to my list of Do Not
Be Two-Faced tenants it would be to: Obey without delay.
Obedience, instant obedience, to the prompting of the Holy
Spirit has not always been an aspiration, a strength, or even a possibility.
These past 7 years have taught me to break that habit and those excuses. I was
raised in a non-Holy Spirit filled Laodicean church, community and family. I
was even taught to acknowledge the Holy Spirit as nothing more than an ancient
mystical force: only available a long, long time ago in a foreign land far away
to the rouge one Pentecostal generation. These past seven years have taught me
better. Like Chirrut Îmwe, I want to be more Holy Force led through my
struggles, battles and walk.
In fact, retrospectively, I’ve always been aware of the Holy
Spirit but attributed His promptings to intuition an inner knowledge,
premonition, or clairvoyant expression. I’ve always had an awareness of a
spiritual proclivity that guided my decisions and steps. I think back to my
summer night hikes at Garland, saving that boy from drowning in the Illinois,
and being led, forced, to run with outstretched arms into my bedroom as my
infant daughter was about to roll off our bed; and I can recall the Spirit’s
promptings over my lifetime. Over the past 4 years of false imprisonment the
Holy Spirit’s presence has been undeniable and is the only reason for my
sanity. Had He not manifested so clearly on 10/5/12, I would have given up all
hope.
As this year progresses, whether I find myself exonerated
and “on the street” or remain falsely accused and locked away, I will be more
aware to obey without delay; to be the hands, feet, ears, and mouth that the
Lord has called me to be, wherever and whenever He has me positioned. I am
going to be more authentic, obedient, and honest, even when I am feeling weak,
in a strong Holy Spirit filled voice; with strong Hoy Spirit endowed hands and
feet; with a strong Holy Spirit filled response; with a prompt and strong
obedient heart.
