Day 2600

If you set on the shelf the rest of your life, you’ll never find out—Woody

I have now been unjustly incarcerated for 2600 days. Of significance over the past 100 days I have filed a new motion for Post-Conviction Relief (7/30). I have endured another hot and humid summer without an air conditioner, as well as rolling brawls (8/21). I began my 12^th Addicts of the Cross group (7/1). I have dealt with the emotions revealed at the news of my father’s stroke (8/25). I have set memorial stones to remind me to reflect the Son (8/31). I have had to # Eat the Watermelon and Wear the Shirt¹ as I acknowledged my 7^th year of being illegally and unjustly convicted (9/1).

Most importantly over these past 100 days, the Lord continues to call me into service and discipleship making through facilitating a weekly recovery group. Many of these men that are in recovery have come to believe that they are trash². And that trash is all that they can aspire to become. Much like Forky they often believe that they are not important or valued: that they are indeed used up and “useless. Like their purpose has been filled” and prison is the garbage heap where their peregrinations have landed them. So, why aspire to change to be something better?

Change, and the desire to change, can be difficult and scary.³ The summer blockbuster, Toy Story 4, is full of characters who are experiencing change. Bonnie is growing older and moving on to kindergarten. Woody finds that his role in her life is diminished; leaving him questioning his own current purpose.⁴ Forky struggles to understand the nature of his own creation, throwing him into an existential crisis. ⁵ Bo Peeps’s new street-wise insights and determination help Duke to “be who you are right now” by encouraging him to see his uniqueness as a strength, to embrace it, and to be proud of it.⁶

This new Disney flick delivers a sense of redemption and closure for its characters. It reminds us that certain roads in life take longer to travel than others. It reminds me of my NO DICE Proverbs 16:33 Bible admonition that we may believe that we can roll the dice to make a choice, but it is the Lord who established the road.⁷

Many people, many followers of Christ, are reluctant to move forward down the road of change. They are much more comfortable reminiscing about, longing for, and missing their past. Unlike Lil NasX encouraged us this summer, sometimes you can’t, you shouldn’t, “take your horse to the old town road.”⁸ We also shouldn’t just wait for life to happen around us or to us. But can a life that has seemingly been created out of garbage, or wound up in a tartaroo heep, really be re-purposed to serve a greater cause?⁹

It is through my time in Oklahoma’s trash heap of criminal justice and mass incarceration, that I have learned to identify with so many of the struggles that our favorite Toy Story characters are maturing through, since they first appeared in our lives in 1995. I can especially identify with the new street-wise Bo Peep. She has become a rough and tumble adventurer who shows that life extends beyond a child’s toy box. My past seven years have shown me that my once non-descript, safe, white-privilege life now extends far beyond the false sense of security offered by prefabricated Laodician¹⁰ walls and into the often strange, sometimes scary, and mostly mysterious world of trusting the inner promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Like Buzz Lightyear, I have spent a lot of time the past seven years listening to and evaluating my inner dialogue. I have had to delete several old prerecorded “churchy” clichés and satanically implanted self-destructive thoughts. I have spent many of the past 2600 days being reprogrammed to reflect the Son in his character, conduct, conscience, and conversation; to reflect God’s thoughts, God’s encouragement, and God’s words.¹¹

Unlike Lil Nas X’s assertion over the past 100 days that “can’t nobody tell me nothin’”, I have grown to be dependent upon the Holy Spirit’s promptings that keep me securely stirrupped onto this carceral horse that I am saddled upon. Currently, I am listening and learning to sow compassion without judgement, much like the Toy Story gang did with Gabby Gabby.

“Love your enemies”, Jesus says, “do good to those who love you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”¹² These challenging words aren’t meant to excuse evil or stop justice from being pursued. Instead, they call us to imitate God (v.36) by asking a profound question: How can I help my enemy (even those who have testified in full blown perjury about events that never happened) become all God wants him or her to be?¹³

Woody epitomizes this notion when he encourages Gabby Gabby to fulfill her purpose despite her own perceived disability and evil intentions. Despite trying to harm our hero, Woody explains to her that she was created to serve: to bring joy to a child. Woody helps her find a way to fulfill her created purpose, and in so doing, he discovers his renewed purpose as well.

I can empathize with Woody. He had been rejected and abandoned by his kids. He had been set aside, rarely played with, thought about, or acknowledged by the two children he loved the most. I understand this so well. However, he still has Bonnie’s best interest at heart. His deepest desire is for her continued happiness.

I daily pray for the Bonnie’s in my life: still praying for their redemption, restoration, and our eventual reconciliation. I’ve been listening to my inner voice box to show compassion without judgement. I continually pray for my Bonnie’s redemption as I turn him over to my Lord’s care and concern.

I am also focused on listening to what the Holy Spirit is revealing to me about my new purposes; not just once He frees me, but behind these double rows of concertina topped walls as well. Whether that is as an advocate for further criminal justice reform, being a substance abuse recovery counselor, or some other yet unrevealed task, I am preparing my mind for that time. I do not know what new and exciting ministry that the Lord has in store for my future. However, one thing I do know for certain is that once I am exonerated, if I go into a life of obscurity and set on a shelf, I’ll never find out.¹⁴

Not only will I never find out, but my time in prison will have been an act of futility.¹⁵ I am beyond ready to get off of this shelf of incarceration, hop on my horse, and head off down to the new town roads¹⁶: To get off the shelf and to be a disciple, to make disciples, and mature disciples in whatever way the Lord calls me into a new purpose.

1.       Day #2557

2.       Rm 8:1; Ps 32:3-5; 2 Peter 2:4

3.       Ps 143:10; Prov 3:5-6; 1 Peter 1:11-17; Mt. 12:43-45; 1 John 3:9; 1 Cor 13:9-12

4.       Gal 6:1-2; Rm 8:28

5.       Eph 1:11

6.       1 Thes. 5:12-28; Day #2500; PDL Day #13 p. 105 Sacred Pathways

7.       Prov 16:9; Day #300

8.       Lk 4:14-30

9.       2 Peter 2:4, 9-10 G5020

10.   Rev 3:14-22; Day #400

11.   IS 30:26; Prov 27:19 (days #2500, #2557)

12.   Luke 6:27-28

13.   Sheridan Vosey from 8/20/19 Daily Bread

14.   PDL Day #34; Luke 2:49; 2 Cor 5:18-20

15.   Acts 20:22-24

16.   Mark 16:15; Ps 67:2

Eat the Watermelon, wear the shirt

Today marks 7 years since my false conviction and unjust incarceration. I have grown to stop bemoaning the issue and to learn what the Lord wants me to glean from this situation that He has continued to allow! ¹

Over the past 365 weeks, I have written reflections of each of the previous 100 days. It is interesting to read over my 25+ reflections and take note of the way that the Holy Spirit has helped me to develop, mature, and rise above the fray.

Recently, the Lord has been challenging me to not only not allow my (His) standards to slip, but He has called me to be very mindful of the motives that drive my behavior. His word has reminded me that it is my actions (as observed by others) that can silence the ignorant quidnunc through service to others, as well as displaying non-judgmental compassion.²

A few weeks ago, He drove this point home in what I thought was a very poignant and public venue. I had been blessed to eat a bowl of richly red, deliciously sweet, and icy cold watermelon. It was a reaffirming reward for a 5^th year in a row of having zero inventory shortages in our inmate canteen. This rarely heard of long season of profit brought a great amount of praise, credit and favor upon my staff supervisors whom I work for. They in turn blessed me for my hard work and honesty. ³

Later that afternoon, as is my normal daily routine, I went out for my 5pm 2.5-mile run. It was a typical excruciatingly hot and humid July afternoon. There were not too many other men on the track. What few there were decided to remove their shirts, which is against yard policy. After my 2.5-mile run, I was slowly jogging a cool down lap. I decided to wipe my brow with my shirt; then to flip the front over my head and behind my neck.

Just as soon as I exposed my torso the unit officer stepped out onto the yard and yelled my name across the field; personally, calling me out, while allowing the rest of the dozen or so men to go unchecked.

I was immediately compliant. As I continued with my cool down lap, I complained to the Lord that I rarely, purposefully, break any policy expectations. 99% of the time, I have had exemplary behavior for the past 2557 days. So, why not allow myself a cool down lap without my shirt on, like the rest of the men were doing on this 100 degree plus day?  Why did I have to be singled out?

His answer to me was a swift and acute: “You ate the watermelon, so wear the shirt!” He then proceeded to let me know that I am expected to continue to be compliant with every nuance Policy Operation and procedure, no matter how I feel abut them. I have asked for and been overwhelmingly granted the blessings of Manasseh and Ephriam⁴ during this unjust incarceration. In return, He has asked for me to remain obedient to even the seemingly trivial rules that the authority of this foreign culture⁵ has over me. ⁶

As I continue this Armenianistic peregrination it is important to me that I not be “two-faced”.⁷ That, like the moon, I reflect the character, conduct, conversation, and consciousness of the Son. ⁸ Because He loved me so much 2019-ish years ago to be my atoning sacrifice, I want to mirror that same love today by serving those around me in the hope that they find His purpose in their life. ⁹ Because He loved me from the creation of humanity, I want to be obedient to what He personally tasked me to do; even while unjustly incarcerated: to eat the watermelon and to ear the shirt. ¹⁰

 

1.       Luke 7:18-23

2.       I Peter 2:11-15

3.       Gen 39:20-23

4.       Gen 41:51-52

5.       Daniel 1

6.       Titus 3:1-2

7.       Ps 119:113

8.       Isaiah 30:25, Prov 27:19 (day #2500)

9.       Phil 2:12-18

10.   Lev 26:1-4

There is no shame in fear

There is no shame in fear, what matters most is how we face it. – Jon Snow 

Another 100 days of being a falsely accused, convicted, and incarcerated prisoner of hope¹ is being marked. Another 100 days of facing circumstances beyond my control have passed (3728 days if you count from the 4/22/2009 initial betrayal by my own king slayer prodigal² in his attempt to rise to power and seize control of his own iron throne at his grandmother’s urging).

Of significance over these past 100 days I have been denied a re-hearing of my SCOTUS appeal (docket #18-7322). I have spent time setting memorial stones. I have also spent time reading the five-book series, A Song of Ice and Fire.

Concurrent to this reading I was also studying articles about Past Traumatic Growth (PTG), multiple truths, and showing compassion. In my mind I was making all types of connections between my past 10 years, the concept of thriving, some Biblical inspired GOT themes, as well as a few great quotes from this epic saga.

The Ice and Fire novelizations are not ones that I would normally engage in. With the names Robert and Brandon used so frequently by Martin, I couldn’t help but think about my own “Broken Brandon” quite often as I read the 5000+ pages. They were such a popular phenomenon that I felt like that I needed to read them so that I could remain culturally relevant. I need to be able to share in the common experiences of those on the other side of my own wall, ³ so that once I am freed, I will know what the GOT references are.

In his ministry, Paul used familiar cultural references from the literature of his time to connect with people. In Acts 17:28 he writes that “…even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are His children’,” a quote from Aratus (310BC-240BC). In 1 Cor. 15:33 he writes that “bad company corrupts good manners,” a quote from Meander (343-291BC). Paul advocates that we must remain relevant and at the same time biblically sound. ⁴ The two ideas are not mutually exclusive. Even Jesus, speaking to Paul, used a relevant literary reference of his time in Acts 26:14 when asking why he “kicks against the pricks,” a nod to the play Agamemnon by Aeschylus (525-456BC).

In Psalms 89:50 David laments, “Remember Lord, how your servant has been mocked, how I bear in my heart the taunts…. with which I have been mocked.” David’s words remind me of Hester Prynn and her community that would not let her forget how they viewed her. Tyrion Lannister’s advice to Jon Snow in Winds of Winter on answering his own dwarfing taunts was to “never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”

For the rest of my life, exonerated or not, some ignorant folk will continue to call me felon, sex offenders, cho-mo or worse. I am learning not to be bitter because of that; because if I do, then they will try to keep me from moving forward. I found inspiration in Jon Snow’s character’s continued pursuit of progress in the face of his own bastard title. I also take note of the Canaanite woman’s as she allowed her calm and cool head to prevail when faced with Jesus labeling her and her daughter a dog.⁵ The Word reminds me that Nehamiah6 faced this same mocking problem, but God took care of the issue. I trust that He will deal with my own taunting Sanballat’s as well.⁷

In my 30’s and 40’s I always wanted to be on Survivor to prove that I could outwit, outlast, and outplay. I now know I can. When Reem Daly was interviewed on the finale of season 38- The Edge of Extinction she said (sic), “I already was who I came to prove myself to be.” Tywin Lannister said to Jamie in A Game of Thrones,” I need you to become the man you were meant to be. Not next year, not tomorrow, now.” I have learned to appreciate the in carceral experiences of the past 2500 days⁸ because I know that I am continuing to become the predestined being that I was meant to become: the reflection of Jesus Christ in my character, conduct and conversation in the face of overwhelming adversity. It is only through adversity that we truly can become, now, that reflective quality.⁹

Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish remarked to Sansa in Winds of Winter that, “the past is gone for good. You can sit hear mourning its departure or prepare for the future”.¹⁰ I know that there is very little from my past that is left to build upon for my future. I will mostly be starting from scratch financially and even having to rebuild the scaffolding of my friendships and my reputation.

This is where the potentially transformative power of suffering comes into play through the mindset of Post Traumatic Growth (PTG). Joseph understood the power of suffering while falsely incarcerated as a sex offende.¹¹ Louie Zamparini understood the power of suffering while a P.O.W.¹² PTG does not occur as a direct result of trauma, rather it is the individual’s struggle with the new reality in the aftermath of trauma.¹³

In A Dance with Dragons, Cersie Lannister was correct when she advises Tommen, “No matter who you are, no matter how strong you are, sooner or later, you’ll face circumstances beyond your control.” When this happens, one way to deal with these circumstances is through Acceptance Coping: having the ability to accept situations that cannot be changed.¹⁴ It is a crucial skill necessary for adapting to traumatic life events. An individual’s emotional response to trauma is significant in determining their long-term outcome.¹⁵

PTG is positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity. It involves life-changing psychological shifts in thinking and relating to the world that contribute to a personal process of change, which is deeply meaningful.¹⁶ Growth does not occur as a direct result of trauma rather it is the individual’s struggle with the new reality in the aftermath of trauma.¹⁷

People who experience PTG are often those who exhibit agreeableness, openness, extraversion, and a conscientiousness/mindfulness to include a greater acceptance of self, a change in personal philosophy, and a change in life priorities. Martin portrays these PTG ideals with the transformations in Briene, Araya, Sansa, Theon, Jamie, Danerys, Tyrion, and Jon Snow.

Facing circumstances beyond your control, not forgetting what you are, wearing taunts like armor, and preparing for the future are biblical, ass well as Song of Ice and Fire principles that can lead to thriving. Thriving moves beyond resilience (reaching the previous level of functioning before a trauma, stressor, or challenge) and involves finding benefits within challenges, to include relating to others, seeing new possibilities, finding personal strength, making spiritual change, and having a renewed appreciation for life. We see in the literary persona of Jon Snow a thriving mindfulness that allowed him to outwit, outlast, and outplay. I believe it was this same thriving mindset that Joseph was implying in his Genesis 50:20 declaration.

As the Kingshand¹⁸ Joseph exemplifies how PTG can result in thriving mindfulness as he became better at self-regulating internal experiences, showed better impulse control, and cognitive restructuring skills. The ability to grieve¹⁹ and to gradually accept trauma increased the likelihood of his PTG. It also benefits a person to have supportive other that can aid in PTG by providing a way to craft narratives²⁰ about the changes have occurred, and by offering perspectives that can be integrated into schema change.²¹

I must believe that the laments, the joys, the defeats, and the victories that David recorded in his psalms had to contribute to his PTG. I know the narratives that I have written every 100 days²² have enabled me to be aware of the many, many ways the Father has transformed me to be a more accurate reflection of his son and to fulfill my destiny.

Over the past 100 days I have also been mindful to set some of my own memorial stones.²³ I do not want to forget a single experience, a single feeling, a single emotion of the past 2500 days.²⁴ As I have grown, thrived, I am taking heed of Ramsay Snow’s advice in A Clash of Kings to “remember what you are and what you are not.” After these past seven years I am a new person: all my genetic DNA has been duplicated and replaced. More significantly, my essential core; my soul-my mind, my will, and my emotions- have bene recreated and realigned with my creator’s predestined purposes for me.

I know that God has a continuing and renewed purpose for my life. As Stannis Barantheon encourages in A Clash of Kings, “I will not become a page in someone else’s history book.” My story is not over yet.²⁵ I still have my own epic to tell in this second half of my life. I will not be held captive to my own Scarlet Letter. I will not fear what an unkindness of ravens may try to crow out in triplicate verse about me. Araya Stark said that “fear cuts deeper than swords [or words].” I will not be released and then sent to cower on the other side of some night watched wall with the wights and white walkers. I also won’t stay in Moab²⁶, stop my journey short in Herran²⁷, or hide my Abdulah’s cave.²⁸ In A Dance with Dragons, Oberyn Martell said that, “it’s a big and beautiful world. Most of us live and die in the same corner where we were born and never get to see any of it. I do not want to be most of us.” Neither do I. I will never have been, am not, nor will I be. I am a survivor. I am a thriver. I will continue to face these circumstances that remain beyond my control. Through His saving grace I will find the PTG necessary to face the fear and challenges to come, because there is no shame in fear. What matters is how we face it.²⁹

 

Endnotes:

1.       Day #500 1/13/14

2.       2 Sam 15

3.       Day #800 11/9/14, Acts 16:16-40

4.       I Cor. 9:19-23

5.       Mt. 15:22-28

6.       Neh. 4:4

7.       Neh 4:9; Ps 12:56

8.       Lk 6:22

9.       Purpose Driven Life, Day#25, Day#30, Prov 27:19, Ps 66:10-12

10.   Jonah 4

11.   Gen 39:19-20

12.   Day #2200 9/9/18

13.   Purpose Driven Life, Day #23-25; Heb 10:32-39, James 1:304, Prov 4:25-27, 2 Cor 5:17

14.   Rom 15:7

15.   Job 42:10-17

16.   Acts 9

17.   James 1:4, Hab 2:3, 2 Cor 5:17

18.   Gen 41

19.   Day #1000 5/28/15, Gen 41:50-57

20.   Lam 3:40, Prov 20:5, Hab 2:1-3, Celebrate Recovery Step 4

21.   Prov 1:1-9

22.   Hab 2:1-3

23.   Jos. 4:1-10

24.   Lk. 1:1-4

25.   Day #1800 8/5/17, Prov 18:9

26.   Num 25

27.   Gen 11:31

28.   PS 53, 63, 71, 142; 1 Sam 22

29.   Jos. 1:9

We’re far from the shallow now

We’re far from the shallow now—Lady Gaga 

Today marks yet another 100 days of being imprisoned as a falsely accused and unjustly convicted citizen of the “world’s largest prison-state”. Over the past 100 days I have filed my Certiorari with SCOTS (docket #18-7322 on 12/12/18), endured a shingles relapse and healing, received a TV (12/26/18) to replace the one stolen this past spring, and was restored to my position in the canteen.

I have felt very thankful and content these past 100 days. While disappointed that I was not able to continue going to NWOSU this spring, I was thrilled to be able to return to my employment in the canteen. I give God all the glory for answering my declarations of His Word. (IS. 55:11) and in restoring everything that the locust devoured a year ago (Joel 2:25). In fact, over the past year, since day #2100 (2/21/18) the Lord has taken me into an even deeper relationship with Him through the events that began with my retaliatory write up and move to Unit 2 and assault/theft (4/13/18) and living out 10,000 or so successive forever seconds.

I detailed in day #2100 (6/1/18-How long is forever? Sometimes just a second) and in day #2200 (9/9/18- You must learn to live through the night, not battle with it) when time has not been productive, as it seemed last spring and summer, that, as C.S. Lewis states, “time itself is one more name for death”. In A Grief Observed (Lewis 1961) I read that, “[prison] feels like…suspense or like waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down…up till then I always had too little time. Now, there is nothing but time…almost pure time, empty successiveness.” (p 46)

During the past year the Holy Spirit has taken me deeper into a relationship of pure trust of His word, His power, His son, His wisdom and His successive time. In those forever seconds last April of paranoia and mental insecurity, I heard the Holy Spirit prompt me, in essence, “tell me something boy, aren’t you tired of tryin’ to fill that void?” (John 10:10) (CR Principle One) I took all that grief, rejection, and abandonment and allowed the Holy Spirit to fill up those empty places. I let down the pretense of “keepin’ it so hardcore” (Jer 6:14) and chose to allow myself to find and feel contentment during the remainder of whatever time I am to be left incarcerated.

By making the paradigm shift needed to not only find peace, but also allow that peace to manifest as contentment, I had finally embraced when and where I am at. I decided to “crash through the surface where [the betrayer and circumstances that led me here] can’t hurt [me]” (Ps 91). As I continued to follow His compass and not my clock (day #900) I gave myself permission to join a canasta cohort, to begin more casual associations, to continue to facilitate a weekly recovery group, and to accept an invitation to participate in times of prayer and meditation at intertribal sweats. Life became a little less stressful and much easier to navigate. At one point this past January, while enjoying a 6+ hour long had of canasta, I heard an oddly familiar, but misplaced, sound that surprised me. It took me a moment to realize that I was laughing out loud. It had been so long since I had belted out a genuine belly laugh that the sound of my own joyful expression took me aback (Ecc 3:4; Luke 6:21; Ps 126).

I have resisted giving in to my incarceration for such a long time. I was trying to live just on the surface while in prison; not allowing myself to be known, nor getting to know many others (except for the men I have been with in recovery groups). That behavior had been contributing to my loneliness (see day #1400). In the past one thousand days since then the Lord has filled that void with His presence and His people. I have made the quality choices to rebuke the feelings of grief, loneliness, rejection and abandonment that Satan was using to keep my contentment just below the surface: so shallow.

It’s hard to recognize just how shallow the depths are that you are functioning in until you are forced to go deeper; whether forced by natural consequences, Satan’s influence as the current lord of this planet, or by God’s design going deeper can be so beneficial. When I look back from a deeper, calmer, newer place, I can appreciate just how much the Father has changed me. We were all made to move past the shallow life and to realize that we were created for something greater. That greater thing is knowing God. Knowing God is everything, which is why Jesus prayed that we would do just that (Eph 3:20)

By giving in to my current circumstances and building relationships with men who are mature enough o hold each other accountable I have moved beyond just living on the surface. Being relational has helped me move beyond the grief of empty successiveness. The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters [and] one who has insight draws that out (Prov 20:5). Lord, help me to continue to be “far from the shallow now”.