We’re far from the shallow now—Lady Gaga
Today marks yet another 100 days of being imprisoned as a falsely
accused and unjustly convicted citizen of the “world’s largest prison-state”.
Over the past 100 days I have filed my Certiorari with SCOTS (docket #18-7322
on 12/12/18), endured a shingles relapse and healing, received a TV
(12/26/18) to replace the one stolen this past spring, and was restored to my position
in the canteen.
I have felt very thankful and content these past 100 days.
While disappointed that I was not able to continue going to NWOSU this spring,
I was thrilled to be able to return to my employment in the canteen. I give God
all the glory for answering my declarations of His Word. (IS. 55:11) and in
restoring everything that the locust devoured a year ago (Joel 2:25). In fact,
over the past year, since day #2100 (2/21/18) the Lord has taken me into an
even deeper relationship with Him through the events that began with my
retaliatory write up and move to Unit 2 and assault/theft (4/13/18) and living
out 10,000 or so successive forever seconds.
I detailed in day #2100 (6/1/18-How long is forever?
Sometimes just a second) and in day #2200 (9/9/18- You must learn to live
through the night, not battle with it) when time has not been productive, as it
seemed last spring and summer, that, as C.S. Lewis states, “time itself is one
more name for death”. In A Grief Observed (Lewis 1961) I read that, “[prison]
feels like…suspense or like waiting for something to happen. It gives life a
permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t
settle down…up till then I always had too little time. Now, there is nothing
but time…almost pure time, empty successiveness.” (p 46)
During the past year the Holy Spirit has taken me deeper
into a relationship of pure trust of His word, His power, His son, His wisdom and
His successive time. In those forever seconds last April of paranoia and mental
insecurity, I heard the Holy Spirit prompt me, in essence, “tell me something
boy, aren’t you tired of tryin’ to fill that void?” (John 10:10) (CR Principle
One) I took all that grief, rejection, and abandonment and allowed the Holy
Spirit to fill up those empty places. I let down the pretense of “keepin’ it so
hardcore” (Jer 6:14) and chose to allow myself to find and feel contentment during
the remainder of whatever time I am to be left incarcerated.
By making the paradigm shift needed to not only find peace,
but also allow that peace to manifest as contentment, I had finally embraced
when and where I am at. I decided to “crash through the surface where [the betrayer
and circumstances that led me here] can’t hurt [me]” (Ps 91). As I continued to
follow His compass and not my clock (day #900) I gave myself permission to join
a canasta cohort, to begin more casual associations, to continue to facilitate
a weekly recovery group, and to accept an invitation to participate in times of
prayer and meditation at intertribal sweats. Life became a little less
stressful and much easier to navigate. At one point this past January, while enjoying
a 6+ hour long had of canasta, I heard an oddly familiar, but misplaced, sound
that surprised me. It took me a moment to realize that I was laughing out loud.
It had been so long since I had belted out a genuine belly laugh that the sound
of my own joyful expression took me aback (Ecc 3:4; Luke 6:21; Ps 126).
I have resisted giving in to my incarceration for such a
long time. I was trying to live just on the surface while in prison; not
allowing myself to be known, nor getting to know many others (except for the
men I have been with in recovery groups). That behavior had been contributing
to my loneliness (see day #1400). In the past one thousand days since then the
Lord has filled that void with His presence and His people. I have made the
quality choices to rebuke the feelings of grief, loneliness, rejection and
abandonment that Satan was using to keep my contentment just below the surface:
so shallow.
It’s hard to recognize just how shallow the depths are that
you are functioning in until you are forced to go deeper; whether forced by
natural consequences, Satan’s influence as the current lord of this planet, or
by God’s design going deeper can be so beneficial. When I look back from a
deeper, calmer, newer place, I can appreciate just how much the Father has
changed me. We were all made to move past the shallow life and to realize that we
were created for something greater. That greater thing is knowing God. Knowing
God is everything, which is why Jesus prayed that we would do just that (Eph 3:20)
By giving in to my current circumstances and building
relationships with men who are mature enough o hold each other accountable I
have moved beyond just living on the surface. Being relational has helped me
move beyond the grief of empty successiveness. The purposes of a person’s heart
are deep waters [and] one who has insight draws that out (Prov 20:5). Lord,
help me to continue to be “far from the shallow now”.
