There is no shame in fear, what matters most is how we face it. – Jon Snow
Another 100 days of being a falsely accused, convicted, and incarcerated
prisoner of hope1 is being marked. Another 100 days of facing
circumstances beyond my control have passed (3728 days if you count from the
4/22/2009 initial betrayal by my own king slayer prodigal2 in his
attempt to rise to power and seize control of his own iron throne at his grandmother’s
urging).
Of significance over these past 100 days I have been denied
a re-hearing of my SCOTUS appeal (docket #18-7322). I have spent time setting
memorial stones. I have also spent time reading the five-book series, A Song
of Ice and Fire.
Concurrent to this reading I was also studying articles
about Past Traumatic Growth (PTG), multiple truths, and showing compassion. In
my mind I was making all types of connections between my past 10 years, the concept
of thriving, some Biblical inspired GOT themes, as well as a few great quotes
from this epic saga.
The Ice and Fire novelizations are not ones that I would
normally engage in. With the names Robert and Brandon used so frequently by
Martin, I couldn’t help but think about my own “Broken Brandon” quite often as
I read the 5000+ pages. They were such a popular phenomenon that I felt like
that I needed to read them so that I could remain culturally relevant. I need
to be able to share in the common experiences of those on the other side of my
own wall, 3 so that once I am freed, I will know what the GOT
references are.
In his ministry, Paul used familiar cultural references from
the literature of his time to connect with people. In Acts 17:28 he writes that
“…even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are His children’,” a quote
from Aratus (310BC-240BC). In 1 Cor. 15:33 he writes that “bad company corrupts
good manners,” a quote from Meander (343-291BC). Paul advocates that we must
remain relevant and at the same time biblically sound. 4 The two
ideas are not mutually exclusive. Even Jesus, speaking to Paul, used a
relevant literary reference of his time in Acts 26:14 when asking why he “kicks
against the pricks,” a nod to the play Agamemnon by Aeschylus (525-456BC).
In Psalms 89:50 David laments, “Remember Lord, how your
servant has been mocked, how I bear in my heart the taunts…. with which I have
been mocked.” David’s words remind me of Hester Prynn and her community that
would not let her forget how they viewed her. Tyrion Lannister’s advice to Jon
Snow in Winds of Winter on answering his own dwarfing taunts was to “never
forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it
can never be used to hurt you.”
For the rest of my life, exonerated or not, some ignorant
folk will continue to call me felon, sex offenders, cho-mo or worse. I am
learning not to be bitter because of that; because if I do, then they will try
to keep me from moving forward. I found inspiration in Jon Snow’s character’s
continued pursuit of progress in the face of his own bastard title. I also take
note of the Canaanite woman’s as she allowed her calm and cool head to prevail
when faced with Jesus labeling her and her daughter a dog.5 The Word
reminds me that Nehamiah6 faced this same mocking problem, but God took
care of the issue. I trust that He will deal with my own taunting Sanballat’s
as well.7
In my 30’s and 40’s I always wanted to be on Survivor to prove
that I could outwit, outlast, and outplay. I now know I can. When Reem Daly was
interviewed on the finale of season 38- The Edge of Extinction she said (sic), “I
already was who I came to prove myself to be.” Tywin Lannister said to Jamie in
A Game of Thrones,” I need you to become the man you were meant to be. Not next
year, not tomorrow, now.” I have learned to appreciate the in carceral
experiences of the past 2500 days8 because I know that I am
continuing to become the predestined being that I was meant to become: the
reflection of Jesus Christ in my character, conduct and conversation in the
face of overwhelming adversity. It is only through adversity that we truly can become,
now, that reflective quality.9
Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish remarked to Sansa in Winds of
Winter that, “the past is gone for good. You can sit hear mourning its departure
or prepare for the future”.10 I know that there is very little from
my past that is left to build upon for my future. I will mostly be starting
from scratch financially and even having to rebuild the scaffolding of my
friendships and my reputation.
This is where the potentially transformative power of
suffering comes into play through the mindset of Post Traumatic Growth (PTG).
Joseph understood the power of suffering while falsely incarcerated as a sex
offende.11 Louie Zamparini understood the power of suffering while a
P.O.W.12 PTG does not occur as a direct result of trauma, rather it
is the individual’s struggle with the new reality in the aftermath of trauma.13
In A Dance with Dragons, Cersie Lannister was correct
when she advises Tommen, “No matter who you are, no matter how strong you are,
sooner or later, you’ll face circumstances beyond your control.” When this
happens, one way to deal with these circumstances is through Acceptance Coping:
having the ability to accept situations that cannot be changed.14 It
is a crucial skill necessary for adapting to traumatic life events. An individual’s
emotional response to trauma is significant in determining their long-term outcome.15
PTG is positive psychological change experienced as a result
of adversity. It involves life-changing psychological shifts in thinking and
relating to the world that contribute to a personal process of change, which is
deeply meaningful.16 Growth does not occur as a direct result of
trauma rather it is the individual’s struggle with the new reality in the
aftermath of trauma.17
People who experience PTG are often those who exhibit
agreeableness, openness, extraversion, and a conscientiousness/mindfulness to
include a greater acceptance of self, a change in personal philosophy, and a change
in life priorities. Martin portrays these PTG ideals with the transformations
in Briene, Araya, Sansa, Theon, Jamie, Danerys, Tyrion, and Jon Snow.
Facing circumstances beyond your control, not forgetting
what you are, wearing taunts like armor, and preparing for the future are
biblical, ass well as Song of Ice and Fire principles that can lead to
thriving. Thriving moves beyond resilience (reaching the previous level of
functioning before a trauma, stressor, or challenge) and involves finding
benefits within challenges, to include relating to others, seeing new
possibilities, finding personal strength, making spiritual change, and having a
renewed appreciation for life. We see in the literary persona of Jon Snow a thriving
mindfulness that allowed him to outwit, outlast, and outplay. I believe it was
this same thriving mindset that Joseph was implying in his Genesis 50:20
declaration.
As the Kingshand18 Joseph exemplifies how PTG can
result in thriving mindfulness as he became better at self-regulating internal
experiences, showed better impulse control, and cognitive restructuring skills.
The ability to grieve19 and to gradually accept trauma increased the
likelihood of his PTG. It also benefits a person to have supportive other that
can aid in PTG by providing a way to craft narratives20 about the
changes have occurred, and by offering perspectives that can be integrated into
schema change.21
I must believe that the laments, the joys, the defeats, and
the victories that David recorded in his psalms had to contribute to his PTG. I
know the narratives that I have written every 100 days22 have
enabled me to be aware of the many, many ways the Father has transformed me to
be a more accurate reflection of his son and to fulfill my destiny.
Over the past 100 days I have also been mindful to set some
of my own memorial stones.23 I do not want to forget a single
experience, a single feeling, a single emotion of the past 2500 days.24 As
I have grown, thrived, I am taking heed of Ramsay Snow’s advice in A Clash
of Kings to “remember what you are and what you are not.” After these past
seven years I am a new person: all my genetic DNA has been duplicated and
replaced. More significantly, my essential core; my soul-my mind, my will, and
my emotions- have bene recreated and realigned with my creator’s predestined
purposes for me.
I know that God has a continuing and renewed purpose for my
life. As Stannis Barantheon encourages in A Clash of Kings, “I will not
become a page in someone else’s history book.” My story is not over yet.25
I still have my own epic to tell in this second half of my life. I will not be
held captive to my own Scarlet Letter. I will not fear what an
unkindness of ravens may try to crow out in triplicate verse about me. Araya
Stark said that “fear cuts deeper than swords [or words].” I will not be released
and then sent to cower on the other side of some night watched wall with the
wights and white walkers. I also won’t stay in Moab26, stop my
journey short in Herran27, or hide my Abdulah’s cave.28 In
A Dance with Dragons, Oberyn Martell said that, “it’s a big and beautiful
world. Most of us live and die in the same corner where we were born and never
get to see any of it. I do not want to be most of us.” Neither do I. I will
never have been, am not, nor will I be. I am a survivor. I am a thriver. I will
continue to face these circumstances that remain beyond my control. Through His
saving grace I will find the PTG necessary to face the fear and challenges to
come, because there is no shame in fear. What matters is how we face it.29
Endnotes:
1.
Day #500 1/13/14
2.
2 Sam 15
3.
Day #800 11/9/14, Acts 16:16-40
4.
I Cor. 9:19-23
5.
Mt. 15:22-28
6.
Neh. 4:4
7.
Neh 4:9; Ps 12:56
8.
Lk 6:22
9.
Purpose Driven Life, Day#25, Day#30, Prov 27:19,
Ps 66:10-12
10.
Jonah 4
11.
Gen 39:19-20
12.
Day #2200 9/9/18
13.
Purpose Driven Life, Day #23-25; Heb 10:32-39,
James 1:304, Prov 4:25-27, 2 Cor 5:17
14.
Rom 15:7
15.
Job 42:10-17
16.
Acts 9
17.
James 1:4, Hab 2:3, 2 Cor 5:17
18.
Gen 41
19.
Day #1000 5/28/15, Gen 41:50-57
20.
Lam 3:40, Prov 20:5, Hab 2:1-3, Celebrate Recovery
Step 4
21.
Prov 1:1-9
22.
Hab 2:1-3
23.
Jos. 4:1-10
24.
Lk. 1:1-4
25.
Day #1800 8/5/17, Prov 18:9
26.
Num 25
27.
Gen 11:31
28.
PS 53, 63, 71, 142; 1 Sam 22
29.
Jos. 1:9
