Tuesday, July 21, 2021. Jail Day # 3245
Today was an emotionally tough day. In fact, the past month has had many emotional hurdles to overcome. However, today, I watched the 2013 movie Saving Mr. Banks. I went into the movie not knowing what to expect. As Mary Poppins is one of my top ten movies, and one of the very few I'll watch more than once, I settled in for an enjoyable way to pass the early afternoon. Two hours later I was a bubbling ugly mess asking God why in the world He hates me so much; because if this, this unjustified incarceration, is how a father's love for his child is expressed then I want no more of it, thank you very much.
While the father of Helen Goth is the one who abandoned his family, leaving an indelible mark on his daughter's life, I so identify with the feelings that resonate deep within P.L. Travers soul. That resonance is what brought me to the point of tears and exasperation with a Father that, at times, I feel has abandoned me.
Feelings of rejection and abandonment continue to sneak up on me and overwhelm at times. After 750 days of not hearing from my daughter, I recently had a third dove tattooed onto my arm, next to the one for my son and former wife, signifying my final release and surrender of her to God. I prayed for her as the ink went deep into my skin. And for the first time in all of my extensive tattoo work I cried. I prayed and I cried.
I cried, not because of any physical pain that may have been involved, but because of the indelible emotional pain that could not be seen. As I prayed for her, I prayed for myself. I prayed that I could once and for all release myself from the internal torment that I put myself through because of my hearts deep yearning for my children. I cried because once again I had to burry a child. For my own mental and emotional health, I had to put a finality to my torment: I had to envision her funeral and put a nail in her coffin. I do not know if that was the right thing to do this time, but it was the only way I was able to release myself from the grief I experienced in being betrayed and shunned by my son and then 6 years later my wife.
When I sat down to watch what I thought was going to be a cheery biographically inspired movie, I was not expecting to be so torn in two. When Miss Traverse went to the premier of Mary Poppins and seemed to come to terms with the absence of he father from her life through a sequence of flashbacks and a well acted ugly cry, I lost it as well.
While the specifics of her grief were different, I could well identify with the resulting pain. I realize that my pain is neither unique or new. It is as old as time itself. Feelings of rejection and abandonment are two Satan's favorite tool that he uses to steal, kill, and destroy. Getting a person into their feelings is the easiest way to get people into doing things that they never would have done in their right mind. Eve would not have tricked Adam. Cain would not have killed Able. Helen's father would not have turned to alcohol. Brandon would not have felt the strong desire to agree to the falsehoods perpetrated by the Tulsa County District Attorney. My daughter would not have shut herself off from me. And I pray that I am not just falling deeper into Satan's trap by the recent decision that I have made. Only time will tell. I can't put my finger in what lies in store, but I feel what's to happen all happened before.
