I'll try once more, like I did before......
Cautious
optimism are the two words that best describe the tenor of the past 100 days. I
continue to be so very thankful to be at the state owned and operated high granite
walled Oklahoma State Reformatory. I have been able to submit my Count 3
commutation application to the Pardon and Parole Board. My Count 2 discharge
date is just 123 days away. The Okla. Criminal Justice Reclassification
Coordination Council made some great recommendations in their final report(1).
The State Legislature amended statue 57 O.S. § 332.7 in May that may allow for
my early parole from my Count 3 sentence. I might be home by the fall holidays.
However, I am trying to remain a realist(2) and to not allow my Christ filled
hope to outpace my earthly reality(3). My daily prayer of late has been for the
Lord to help me to continue to follow His compass and not my clock(4) to not let my hope get ahead of His plans
lest I be left devastated in the rubble of more broken dreams.
Hopeful
optimism is not my only strategy to remain sane. I am so glad that we have a
Celebrate Recovery program sponsored by the Martha Road Baptist Church for us
to participate in every Tuesday(5). Recently I have felt like the proverbial Chiquitita.
"I have often felt enchained by my own sorrow seeing no hope for tomorrow.
I hate to see myself like this, but I often am so sad and quiet, having no
shoulder to rely on. I used to always be so sure of myself, now I am often
feeling just broke and offended(6)." As I continue the work of
"recovery" I have identified my recent profound feelings of
aloneness, rejection, and abandonment as areas that I currently need to seek
"sobriety" from. In the newest Batman iteration, The Joker postulates
to his new cell mate in Arkham Asylum, "Riddle me this: The less you have,
the more one is worth?(7)" The solution is just not that easy to come by
in prison, however.
I fully
acknowledged that my aloneness is mostly by choice. I am surrounded by familiar
strangers(8). What I need is a friend, and those are so hard to come by in
normal life, much less while incarcerated: a truly trustworthy, intelligent,
nonjudgmental, Christian man who will not only be a sounding board but also one
whom will encourage accountability. It took me at least 5 years to begin to
even remotely cultivate that type of relationship at Crabtree(9). Spending
these past two years in covid lockdown (which in prison means a literal
lockdown in a 6x8 cell 24/7/365) I have had nobody in my day-to-day
face-to-face life to be able to authentically share the deeper things of my
soul with. "A man learns who is
there for him when glitter fades and the walls won't hold. Cause from the
rubble what remains can only be what's true." However, discovering and
then sharing that truth with another person (especially while incarcerated)
requires a leap of faith I am not willing to take with anyone I currently live
with.
Quiescently
I see no reason for that to change. This November I will either receive a
Commutation and be released or I will be stepped down in security to a minimum
yard. There is absolutely no way, no time, to develop that kind of brotherhood
that I long for. Even if I could it would be an act of futility as my life is
going to be upheaved again soon anyway. So, I am making the choice to keep to
myself, to keep calm and carry on. I am spending a bit more time playing wall
ball as well as doing an additional 1.5-2mile run/sprints in the afternoon
(this is in addition to my own personal daily 3-mile run/prayer/praise time) to
help support DMc in his sobriety.
Unabashedly,
unequivocally, and unerringly I turn to the Lord and the Holy Spirit as a
sounding board, but their frequent silence is unfortunate and unnervingly
deafening. I turn to their Word, and there is encouragement and value there,
but your Bible cannot put its hand on your shoulder, walk laps and talk, give
you a hug, or provide the human touch and humanity that we crave as flesh and
blood created beings. The Bible cannot feed or cure touch starvation. My ASMR(10)
needs are going unmet. I'd love to set for a real scissor cut, eye exam, or
massage. I yearn not to feel lovelessness(11)(12). If anything, I find myself
growing increasingly frustrated in my faith walk. NOT because of a lack of
faith or trust, FRANKLY JUST THE OPPOSITE(13). It is so frustrating, maddening,
disheartening, and leaves me outright distraught that the God I know, the God I
trust with every fiber of my being the
one I choose to believe is the creative author of life, of everything: the Alpha
and Omega, that He allows for Satan’s deceptions to seemingly have the upper
hand day after day after day. I can so relate to the feelings of desperation
that Jesus' cousin, John the Baptist, felt as he waited in prison for his
professed King to come and free him. Yet Jesus did not(14). I yearn not to feel
lovelessness, hopelessness, or worse, having my profound hope for love going
unanswered.
I know
that They have neither rejected nor abandoned me because of the way that I have,
according to all accounts, observations, and feedback from my inmate contemporaries, thrived during my
incarceration(15). I acknowledge Their daily presence, the blessings of
Manasseh and Ephraim, and the presence of the angelic host that daily surround
me. It is just so frippin' discouraging that I am 100% confident that They
could project the mere thought that "lies and liars are exposed, and truth
is revealed" and it would happen. I could be free(16)! These lies could
blow away like hevel, a vapor(17), an enigma, or disappear like a mirage of
fake water. That They choose to continue to allow the daily repeated injustice
and iniquity in the lives of those who proclaim allegiance to the King of kings
is what I struggle with so much: that the lies and liars, not only in my own situation,
but in the lives of my parents, my daughter, my former wife, as well as of the
Ukrainians, the misguided and psychologically hurting mass shooters, the misled
retrumplicans, and of maligned courtroom jurors are continued to allow to
thrive in their deceptions.
Tribulations,
trials, and temerity affect us all through attribution error and Satan's works
of deceit and evil. I know that many people, many Christians, are skeptical
that the courts and juries get their verdicts wrong. However, Satan's deceptive
work is at play there too. Juries can only work with what the police and the
district attorney present and then a judge allows to be heard. In my case a self-serving
detective, an overly ambitious assistant district attorney out to make a name
for herself, a son willing to commit perjury, and an inept judge led them down
a pathway where they got it so badly wrong. Over the past 100 days I was glad
to see that there are detectives and judges still on the side of truth and
justice. Recently, in Wenywood, Oklahoma an astute detective saw through the
sham of weaponized false allegations of sexual abuse made against a man by his
wife, Lacy Hucks, and her friend, Angel Moore, to gain custody of their
children(18). The judges in the recent Mario Batalli and Christian Ranaldo
trials also saw through the perjury of the falsely weaponized sexual
accusations made against them as one of many attempts by the alleged victims to
gain financial advantages(19). The world also witnessed over the past one
hundred days, for 6 exasperating weeks, the overacting and machinations that
Amber Herd used to try and diminish Johnny Depp with in front of a jury. I wish
my jury had not bought into my prodigal's crocodile tears, mouth blown snot
bubbles, overacting and then reckless and unauthorized bolting from the witness
stand just as the Depp/Herd did not. The most current research shows that 3-11%
percent of those incarcerated are actually innocent and/or wrongly
convicted(20).
I was
encouraged to hear Andy Stanley recently say [sic] "that fundamental
attribution error occurs when a person does not have enough life experience to
see the other sides point of view or the bigger picture of life: putting party
over country and party over reflecting the tone and posture of the lord
Jesus(21)." As the reality of my possible expedited release sinks in I
find myself assessing how I want to exit these fences and to be viewed by my
former, and new, communities. I find myself concerned about how people will
perceive me: and more importantly how I may perceive them. Maybe overly
concerned. Milk drinking(22) pew sitters seem to be the worst of all people to
rush to judgement, to be unforgiving, to execute a Batmanesque vengeance, and
to build walls around themselves despite their sacred text eschewing such
behavior. It seems to me that WASPy Christians are those screaming the loudest
about white replacement theory, CRT, not giving up their personal "for
pleasure" assault rifles and keeping those whom they perceive do not
uphold their own sham morality locked away over the past 100 days(23). It
appears to me that Christians seem so scared of those who are presenting their
authentic selves that Sander Moritz had to give a commencement speech about his
curly hair to preach his message of compassion and grace. I wish we could all
be as sagacious as CBN/The 700 Club's Gordon Robertson when he recently drew a
distinction in the rhetoric most white retrumplican commentators on TV were
using to describe the browning of America and the recent POPs grocery, Uvalde,
and Tulsa mass shootings. Rather than jumping on the bandwagon calling the
nonwhites, left leaning liberals, and the mass shooters evil, he pointed out
that "there is evil in the world, and it wants to operate through human
beings". I hope to be the recipient of such compassionate understanding
upon my release. I intend to extend that same grace and Spirit led vengeance to
my own false accusers: vengeance not being God inflicting harm on your
enemies vengeance being God empowering
you to succeed despite what your enemies did and then putting your enemies in
close proximity to watch you win(24).
Therapeutically
over the past 100 days I have been using music to elevate my mood, strengthen
my hope, and create an anthem for the arid spring and oppressive heat of
summer. KLUV and ABBA have been so diverting and uplifting to listen to while I
run each day. Elevation Worship has provided encouraging messaging and music.
I've modified a Glass Animals song to remind myself that "[I] just need a
better life than this. [I] need something I can never give. Fake water [may be]
all across the road, [but] all I think about is You [Father], late night in the
middle of June. Heatwaves been freaking me out, can't make You happier
now(25)." As I think about Them, I also sing/pray to myself the finale
from The Greatest Showman. Barnum and his troupe had hit rock bottom, but still
saw a glimmer of hope as they sang, "I saw the sun begin to dim, and felt
that winter wind blow cold. A man learns who is there for him when glitter
fades and the walls won't hold. Cause from the rubble what remains can only be
what's true. If all was lost and there's more I gained because it led me back
to You. From now on these eyes will not be blinded by the light. From now on
what's waited till tomorrow starts tonight. Let this promise in me start like
an anthem in my heart. And I will come back home again(26)." I can listen
to music, get out of my head, and for small stretches of time feel normalized.
Adversity,
heatwaves(27), fake water(28), blinding lights(29), winter winds(30), a dimming
sun(31), and the rubble(32) of brokenness are some of the Lords most useful and
often used tools to empower and equip His people. That adversity may be Father
filtered or Father constructed. Joseph, whose Biblical saga I most readily
identify with as a victim of weaponized false allegations of sexual assault was
allowed to experience decades of Father filtered adversity and the rubble of a
life upturned by perjury(33). When he became enchained to his own sorrow his
great grandnephew proclaimed that "that iron strengthened him from the
inside out until the Word of the Lord proved him true (34)." I am ready to
be freed from these high granite walls. I am ready to shake this lovelessness
and aloneness. I know that attribution error and reintegration will have its
own challenges. I don't look forward to the Byteing trolls or becoming click
bait, but I know the truth, as do many others. Joseph proclaimed that he was a
fruitful vine that climbs over the rubble of a tumbling wall(35). I don't know
exactly what rubble I am climbing over, but I AM climbing over. Life finds a
way(36). I will find a way. Just like it was for the proverbial overcomer
"the pain will end, there will be no time for regrets, the sun will still
shine in the sky above me and I will try once more like I did before(37): I
WILL sing a new song(38) Chiquitita."
footnotes
1. link
to cjrcc final report
2. 2
Kings 4:16; Day #2200 9-9-2018
3. Day
#900 2-7-2015
4. Day #
300 6-27-2013
5. The Celebrate
Recovery® sponsor has already asked me to team up with him to be a small group
discussion leader, to share my testimony, and to facilitate discussions and
step study materials during the week
6. ABBA Chiquitita
7. from
The Batman (2022)
8.
Stanley Milgram
9. SLK,
MET, BW, JR, JH, AATC
10.
Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response
11. Bell
Hooks
12.
6-19-22 note: Father's Day was difficult again this year. It's been three years
since my last letter from Monica (6-17-19) and 3301 days since we last spoke
(4-1-14). It has been 4805 days since my last positive interaction with Brandon
(4-20-09). Father's Day is as, if not more,
difficult than Christmas and Thanksgiving. All I ever wanted to be was a
father (read day # 653, 1-24-22,
and 3-12-22), and my heart breaks
over and over on a daily basis for my lost relationship with my children. Were
it not for the blessing of Manasseh I would have literally died of a broken
heart years ago.
13.
Daniel 3:17-18
14.
Matthew 11:2-3;14:1-12
15. The
Lord continues to meet all my needs through the Federal mandates for prisons: I
have all the clean water I need, 2000 calories a day, air conditioning, a
locked door to sleep behind, fresh air and clean skies to exercise/walk under
every day, books to read, TV to watch, games to play, a tablet to e-mail and
listen to podcasts on. Most migrants at our southern border, most homeless
people, many political refugees, many oppressed and displaced Ukrainians would
gladly trade me places. But it has all come at the loss of many of my
Constitutional Rights. I would gladly swap any of them places today.
16.
Psalms 71:3,20
17.
James 2:10, 4:14, Ecclesiastics 1:2 (Hevel)
18.https://kfor.com/news/local/wife-accomplice-screenshot-857-child-porn-photos-to-frame-husband-before-upcoming-custody-battle/
19.https://www.CNN.com/2022/05/10/us/mario-batali-trial-boston-tuesday/index.HTML
20.insert
% fact
21. Not
In It To Win It Andy Stanley
22.
Hebrews 5:11-14
23.
Point of reference: Roe was overturned, and rightly so, on Friday June 24, 2022
further dividing vengefully militant milk drinking WASPy Christians from those
we should be ministering to and showing the love of Christ the most urgently.
24.
Dharius Daniel @Elevation Church 6-26-22
25.
Glass Animals Heatwave
26. The
Greatest Showman From Now On
27. Gen.
21:14; Jonah 4:8; Job 24:19
28.
Psalms 107:33-35, 102:3; 1 Cor. 13:12; 2 Cor. 3:18; James 4:14
29. Acts
9:3
30. 2
Timothy 4:13; Pr. 25:23
31.
Exodus 10:21-23; Joel 2:10,31;3:15
32.
Nehemiah 2:17; Pr. 24:31
33.
Genesis 50:20
34.
Psalms 105:17-19
35.
Genesis 49
36.
Jurassic World
37. read
My Future Plans http://ManassehEphraim.blogspot.com/my-future-plans.HTML
38.
Psalms 33:3, 40:3, 96:1, 144:9, 149:1; Isaiah 42:10
#ABBA. #Chiquitita.
#Glass Animals.
#Heatwaves. #700Club
#The Batman
