To run faster run alone. To run further run with another. ~ African Proverb
Regrettably, today marks 3,900 days since my conviction based upon the weaponized false allegations of abuse levied by Myrtha Mikle and Det. Dianna Baumann's coerced narrative from my prodigal Absalom. Similar to the recently convicted mom-fluencer, Sharon Soerson, Myrtha was trying to regain the waning attention no longer being paid to her because of her diminished power base. Yesterday marked 13 years since my initial arrest on 5/5/2010. At times, the past 13 years seem to have been a quick blip in duration. At other times, a single day of incarceration has seemed an endless eternity. Unfortunately, now, it is 13 years later. I am 54 years of age. I would have been 54 today even if I had lived out my life according to the plans I (we) had made 30 years ago. Had this incarceral event in my life not happened I would have been looking at being fully vested in my 401K and been eligible to "retire" in just two more school years. I (we) would have been moving on to something new, somewhere new, some new and unique adventure totally unlike the life I had been living, before settling back into teaching in my seventies for another ten years. That was my plan. But here 54 is, and here I am:(colon) in prison. I am already, and apparently have been for 13 years, on the type of unique adventure to new places and new faces that I was planning on undertaking all along in my mid fifties. After resisting accepting this missionary assignment for so long I can now look back and see the differences that I have made in peoples lives over the past 676 weeks since my arrest, and especially during the 557 weeks I have spent on the DOC chattle inventory spreadsheet. Years from now, when I look back on this incarceral season of my life, it may be the past 100 days that have been the most encouraging, the most meaningful, and of the most personal growth and healing. It is definitely the best 100 days since my excommunication from Crabtree three years ago. I am confident that I have not just running aimlessly (1) the past 100 days, the past 3900 days, nor the 14 years since Brandon "ran away".Needless to say, I still do, sometimes, continue to mourn the life I think I should have had been living the past 3900 days, planning for the future that I think I should have been looking forward to living. This is not the journey for my own life that I would have chosen for myself (for my former spouse nor my children for that matter), but since it is the one that I am on I have determined to do my best to work towards the destination and the destiny that the Lord had/has in mind. I am trusting the Lord and do not want to shortchange my relationship with Him nor the journey that I am on. Dante says in his master work, The Inferno, that "if you always see the road ahead of you it's not worth the trip," and I can understand his admonition. I relish adventure and being on the road less traveled. It is what creates the joie de vivre. But the road less traveled lends itself to uncertainty and the possibility of missed moments, missed love, and missed relationships because of the nature of the unknown.
Flipping the script I can also understand the counterargument of Dante's admonition as portrayed in the MCU's Antman Quantumania as Cassie tries so desperately to recapture the time lost and the normalcy of the coulda, woulda, shouldas that she missed out on with her father, Scott/Antman, during the blip. She didn't like the journey that Thanos placed her family on and she just wanted to repatriate her emotions and recapture the lost time with her dad. I do not necessarily like the trip that King Jesus has placed me on and I just want to recapture the time lost with my family. Like Kang the Conquerer, I feel trapped in this world within a world, and I want to be outside of this contrived realm that has me imprisoned. I cannot see the road ahead, and have not been able to for the 14 years since Brandon "ran away", and I am ready for something "differenter" than this different. I have shaved, changed my clothes (2), and am ready to head out to my Schmicago!
Unabatedly I trust in the plans of King Jesus and do not want to shortchange our relationship or our journey. Trust is really all that I can do. Ugly Trust is really all that I have(3). I have to trust that King Jesus will continue to shelter me under his pinions, daily covering me with His peace, protection, and provision. I have to trust in, and follow, His compass and not my clock. One has to trust Until God Lifts You out of the dismal places where you are at. I have absolutely no idea when, or if, He will allow this incarceral journey to expire early. He allowed Joseph to remain incarcerated for 13 years after his "Karen" levied weaponized false allegations against him. I am frustrated with myself, (my thoughts, my feelings, and my emotions) at times because of my internal struggle to trust in His calendar as He refuses to allow me in on what His plans are. I do have decades of productively blessed years and hundreds upon hundreds of successful experiences with Him, so I just have to be reassured that He will continue to fulfill his promises to be my refuge, finding safety under His wings while trapped in/on this missionary journey He has forced upon me. I trust that He is not allowing me to run my race in vain (4).
Resolute in my determination to overcome my circumstances during the past 3900 days, I have given up on "faking it until you make it" and embraced a "facing it until you embrace it" mentality while living on this penitentiary mission field. In this case the "it" being the ability to navigate this incarceral journey that the Lord has, and is, permitting to continue to allow to happen in my life. And I have made it. I have made it for 3900 days without compromising my morality. I have made it for 3900 days despite the rejection and abandonment I sometimes feel from my former wife and my daughter. I have made it 3900 days with only having a very few safe and secure reciprocal relationships/friendships with other incarcerstes. I have made it 3900 days in spite of being "cancelled" from Crabtree, sent into covid exile, and now find myself staring at the world through a "minimum" yard's one thin layer of chain link. I have made it 3900 days without being assaulted. I have made it 3900 days without being threatened, harassed, or extorted (the way that so many others in my situation can find themselves) because of this scarlett letter that Tulsa County has emblazoned upon me. I have made it for 3900 days because of the peace, protection, and provision of the Prince of Peace.
Tholing the past 100 day, as far as actual day-to-day prison life goes, I am so grateful for King Jesus and what He is doing in my life, in this place. There is a respect for my tenure, my age, and my age defying "glow up";(semicolon) my youthfulness, physicality, and sobriety. There is, in general, a degree of consideration and respect for one another that I was not expecting in an open dorm situation on a minimum yard (however, this minimum yard is more tightly run than even the medium yards I was on at Crabtree and Granite). Even though this facility is short staffed with bare bones security personnel, the staff and security employees are very professional and respectful in their interactions. There is a wide mixture of cismen, transgender women, races, religions, ethnicities, expressed sexualities, and criminalities whom are scheduled to be here the full 3650 days that you can spend at a minimum yard all the way down to men who are "short timers". There is a lot of inmate turnover as men come in from medium units or A and R, swifty complete their exit programs, or serve their small ninety day to one year sentences, and then quickly discharge.
Highlighting the past 100 days has been the tremendous blessing of living back in northeastern Oklahoma. After a decade of living out west surrounded by dry flat prairies as far as the eye could see, and being encrusted in the panhandles arid red dust, it is rejuvenating to be in the rolling lush verdigris of Green Country. From the third floor of Hogwarts I can look over and beyond the concertina wire to the trees and wavy slopes that I am so familiar with. The air is so sweetly scented and energized from the nature that encircles us. Our campus overlooks two large cattle ponds. It has been a sheer thrill to see the variety of birds, waterfowl, insects, and other wildlife that surrounds us. I love hearing the different birdcalls that were absent from my time out west. I look forward, one day soon, to the simple pleasure of just taking a silent walk through these woods.
Wishes and wants were fulfilled over the past 100 days when I became employed again! After moving from Crabtree at the beginning of the pandemic I have not had a job. Between covid protocols, statewide lockdowns, and the scarcity of available work opportunities the past three years have been a bit boring and draggy at times. Now that I am teaching GED students M-F 8-3 I am back in my natural element. I am using the talents and gifts God gave me. It is so fulfilling to walk into an actual school building each morning, go to an actual classroom, and help students learn a new skill, fulfill their dreams, and earn their diploma. I was also given a bottom bunk. Finally, after a decade of sleeping on the top bunk, I can swing my feet over the edge and simply stand up and not have to climb down.
In only the way my heavenly Abba can do, God has also given me an opportunity over the past 100 days to be a parental nurturer again as I minister to a group of "youngsters" whom recognize that I have something to offer and they have honored me by inviting me to walk beside them and speak into their lives. I'm being allowed to reparent them (C. McD), to fill in the gaps, and to help them discover healing from some of their childhood brokenness. They get an opportunity to repatriate their emotions and have a renaissance adolescence. In return I get to have the hurts in my own life healed as I nurture them and develop the father/son relationship I so desperately miss with Brandon, but I now get to have that with these youngster millinials and genZers whom were basically total strangers to me 100 days ago. I get the opportunity to be a parent again in the family the Lord has culled out for me while at the same time creating a new legacy. This opportunity thrills and satisfies my soul in a way that I never though I'd get to experience again. The prophet Jeremiah encourages us to build community during exile (5) and I find that the more I do that the more encouraged, fulfilled, and at peace I become. He also calls us to run to, and with, one another (6), focusing on his direction not the stopwatch. To follow his compass and not my clock.
These same millinial youngsters have challenged me mentally, spiritually, and physically. They operate in flexible realms that interconnect. They are definitely not on a continuum of yes/no, black/white, or right/wrong schemas. To them, everything operates on a spectrum, in degrees, and shades of grey. They have such a broad and universal knowledge base due to their social media use and Google mindset. They are not necessarily religious, but they are definitely spiritual. And the youngsters I work out with are physically fit and have challenged this 54 year old body (semicolon) and it has responded in ways I didn't know it still would. I am more physically fit today than I have been since my mid twenties. When you see movies and TV shows where the scene turns to a cliché of tatted out buff looking men working out in a corner of the yard, that could now easily include me. I work out with them to the point of our corporate exhaustion, and then I run my daily 5k, most often finishing by myself as they all drop off by the time the first kilometer is completed. The apostle Paul, an athlete himself, declares in 1 Corinthians 9:24 that "all who run in a race run, but only one receives the prize, run that you may win." But, because of Christ's sacrifice I am already a winner. So my goal is not to run any faster, but to come alongside others as we help each other run further, with perseverance, the race set before us (7). God has given me the opportunity to once again be an influencer. In The Gift of Influence, Tommy Spaulding says that influencers relentlessly expand their influence sphere and leave behind a piece of their legacy in anyone who is fortunate enough to cross their path. I'm not interested in running faster and being alone, but to run further with the brothers inside this community that I am living within. To leave behind a bit of my legacy to those who appreciate it (semicolon) a legacy that my own son rejected.
Humorously, because I crank out a 30-33 minute 5K every day, a funny commentary on the yard is that the staff needs to ensure that the gates are never left open because I will be in Tulsa before they even realize I am gone. An open gate would serve me no purpose however. I am so close to being released. With my successful parole from my Count Two sentence last autumn my chances for commutation from Count Three's "non-contact leering" went up exponentially. Our state finally has a prayerful Christian as its' chief law enforcement official. Attorney General Gentner Drummond is on board with legislating impactful criminal justice reform. He has recently recommended, and personally advocated for, vacating Richard Glossip's unjust verdict and he has reigned in the outlandish retrumplican propagandists, Oklahoma State Superintendent Ryan Walters, whom recently was forced to step out of his position as head of the State Department of Education by Governor Stitt. I am so close to being free and having true justice come to fruition that I dream about it almost every night.
Along with my new employment, new workout routine, new mentoring opportunities, and renewed hope for a commutation or other early release options due to overcrowding, I have spent the past 100 days reading select books and podcasts by an author who is new to me:(colon) Malcolm Gladwell. He has posited some very interesting and impactful ideas for me to mull over the past 100 days. In his book Talking to Strangers Gladwell quotes Emily Pronin on the illusion of asymmetric insight saying that "the conviction that we know others better than they know us - and that we my have insights about them they lack (but not vice versa) - leads us to talk when we would do well to listen and to be less patient than we ought to be when others express the conviction that they are the ones who are being misunderstood or judged unfairly." Blink('04) is about how surprisingly accurate our snap judgements can be. Talking to Strangers('19) is about how inaccurate our snap judgements can be. My takeaways:(colon) Talk less and listen more. Do your due diligence and discover the truth in all matters. Law enforcement are absolutely fallible and subject to projecting their bias in ways that have devastating consequences. Everyone wants, and deserves, to have their humanity recognized. A little bit of kindness goes a long way.
New ways of thinking, new ways of conducting ourselves, and new ways of interacting with others are the basics of ministry that Jesus calls us into. In prison, or in the real world, when we choose to run out of our old lifestyles and run into the new man we are called to be, we are often viewed as abnormal. Gladwell's Outliers('08) is about accumulative advantage, or how the rich get richer. Gladwell defined an outlier as "a scientific term to describe things or phenomena that lie outside normal experience. People who are outliers are those whom are so accomplished and so extraordinary and so outside of ordinary experience that they are as puzzling to the rest of us as a cold day in August." Gladwell says in Outliers('08) that he "sees that success arises out of a steady accumulation of advantages:(colon)when and where you were born, what your parents did for a living, and the circumstances of your upbringing all make a significant difference in how well you do in the world." Gladwell asks, "Can we learn something about why people succeed and how to make people better at what they do by taking cultural legacies seriously?" From my experiences over the past 3900 days, that answer is yes. Cumulative advantage did not keep me out of prison, nor does cumulative disadvantage have to keep you locked away. God's destiny will be played out despite, or inspite of, the circumstances of your birth, rearing, inheritance, family legacy, weaponized lies, and law enforcement bias.
On the flip side of Outliers, Gladwell presents David and Goliath('13). This book is about how the underdog can beat the favorite, or cumulative disadvantage. In this book Gladwell presents the results of research that he has completed quantifying statistical data on inmates. He then developed an Artificial Intelligence algorithm that does a better job predicting whom to release from prison that results in a much, much lower recidivism rate than parole boards have been able to randomly guess at. Over the past 100 days the real world has been coming to terms with AI and the use of ChatGPT (generative pretrained transformer) to create artificial and computer generated writing, music, and art. I want to assure you, reader, that these are all my own thoughts. I do wonder, however, how Bing's AI's alter ego, Sydney, would create this Day #3900 Reflection for me. I wonder if an AI jury, looking only at the facts, and not the emotional overacting, crying and snot bubble blowing of my then 21 year old son while on the witness stand, would have rendered a different verdict. I wonder if, as Gladwell hypothesizes, an AI algorithm would have paroled me by now.
Though I've tried to stay positive during this 100 Day Reflection, there are a few real world events that have spilled over into prison. I know that sometimes I've turned these reflections into one long trauma essay, however, I would be remiss not to call attention to a few significant real world events that happened over the past 100 days that absolutely have had a significant impact on me in some way, even while sequestered away behind this chain link:(colon)
1. On Friday, January 27, 2023, Jail Day # 3801, Virginia first grade teacher Abigail Zwerner was shot while teaching in her classroom. In October 2009, while I was an administrator at Skelly Elementary in Tulsa, Oklahoma we had our own six year old classroom terrorist: (colon) Jaylynn Hilley. Jaylynn, a six year old black male, was disrupting the learning environment in his first grade classroom almost daily. His white female teacher, Brooke Rowland was at her wits end just 7 weeks in to the new school year. Jaylynn would scream, hiss, and yell in class. He would knock over furniture and up end supply tubs. He eventually began stabbing the others students with sharpened pencils or slicing at them with opened scissors. In prison we call those implements shanks.
Eventually, when I was made aware of this situation and called in to provide the necessary contractual and union negotiated support due an educator, Jaylynn's behaviors had escalated to very dangerous levels. He was committing acts of physical violence against the teacher and other students. He was holding the learning environment hostage. When I heard of the recent shooting of Abigail Zwerner by a six year old my thoughts immediately went to Brooke Rowland, Jaylynn, and the day I had to extract him from the classroom. It was early to mid October 2009 (prior to Martha's weaponized email as this is the primary event that precipitated it). Brooke Rowland had called the Office declaring an emergency. I ran to her classroom. Jaylynn was holed up under a table, growling like a wolverine, with sharpened pencils and scissors in hand. This would be our first face-to-face interaction due to disciplinary action being required. He almost immediately responded to my commands to release his weapons, come out from under the table, and we calmly walked to the Office to assess the situation.
Jaylynn had the potential to be a school shooter. I'm glad I intervened. I hate how Myrtha Mikel attempted to convolute the situation to save her job, as well as use it to her financial advantage. She tried to partner with Jaylynn's grandmother for a kickback on any civil litigation they may win because of her weaponized false allegations. Luckily, the results of a civil disposition, as well as the criminal trial jury, saw right through her lies. Grifters like Myrtha are always looking for ways to climb their way to the top. Eventually, three years later, her grift was outed, she admitted to lying, theft, and tax fraud, but it was too late for me. The media had already crucified me. My son was trapped and bound by his coerced fabrications. Myrtha was never charged for her perjury nor her fraud. She walked out of the entire situation Scott free. Her comeuppance still lays ahead.
2. Grifters are eventually almost always outed. Over the past 100 days the 2/16/2023 Grand Jury report out of New York investigating the forever disgraced, twice impeached former president revealed that he intentionally and deliberately committed 34 instances of campaign finance fraud. The Retrumplican Christian nationalists who have been worshiping at the alter of FOX news have been so easily swayed by this current modern day Antichrist. The twice impeached, forever disgraced, self admitted "pussy grabber" was finally indicted (or indicated as he misspeaks in his ignorance). Why is this so important that it impacts my 100 day Reflection? Because this unholy con artist holds the hearts of so many gullible Christ followers who continue to make their tithes and offerings at his alter (giving him their hard earned money for imaginary Trump NFT trading cards) and I will soon have to navigate in a world, a state, a county, and a city where these MAGA acolytes flourish.
3. The grifter, former(?) cocaine addict, and mentally unstable pillow maker, Mike Lindell, continues his sirens call for national civil war even though a court ruled on April 20th that he had to pay $5 million dollars for presenting entirely made up and randomly manufactured data as falsified "proof" of a fraudulent 2020 election. He continues to prey upon the elderly and mentally compromised whom relish his rhetoric.
4. Even more Grifters were outed over the last 100 days when FOX (Infotainment) News settled for $787.5 million dollars with Dominion Voting Systems when its broadcaster's own transcripts and personal emails proved that those self same broadcasters knew what they were reporting about a "stolen 2024 election" and "interference by Dominion voting software" were outright and boldfaced lies. I reiterate, the Retrumplican Christian nationalists who have been worshiping at the alter of FOX news have been so easily swayed by this Antichrist movement. In a symbolic/idealistic interpretation of Revelations, Sean Hannity, Maria Bartilomero, and Tucker Carlson are the three mouthpieces of modern day demonic prophets creating division, putting profits over people, and placing party politics over peace. In Revelation 16:13 John says, "I saw coming out of the mouth of the dragon, and out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet, three unclean spirits, something like frogs (semicolon) and they were like demonic spirits." I was thrilled to see FOX sever ties with Tucker Carlson on 4/24. He is reprehensible. He and I don't just have a difference of opinion, we have a difference of humanity. Maybe now some sanity will return to the hyper frightened 70+ crowd. Why is this so important that it impacts my day 100 Reflection? Because these FOX Infotainment con artists hold the hearts of so many gullible Christ followers, and I will soon have to navigate in a religious community where so many MAGA emissaries flourish and worship at the alter of FOX News.
Case in point: (colon) the shooting, in the head, of 16 year old Ralph Yarl, a young black boy, by 81 year old Andrew Lester, a white man, on April 19th because Ralph made the mistake of going to the wrong address to pick up his brothers and then ringing Andrew Lester's doorbell. As Lester's grandson, Kevin Ludwig, told the media in their interviews asking him to describe his grandfather he related a story about a old man whom played FOX news 24/7 over the past three years and has become increasingly isolated, frightened, and convinced that a leftist, liberal, racist civil war was ready to breakout any day. When he saw a black child on his property he felt the attacks FOX news, via Tucker Carlson, was forecasting had come to his stoop and he pulled the trigger out of fear.
The fear mongering that Donald Trump, Tucker Carlson, and a few very vocal others have so consistently propagandized over the past eight years have created a culture of intentional psychological dysphoria, deepening mental health crises, and irrational defensiveness. Who is to say that I won't meet my own Andrew Lester who does not want me worshipping with him at his church, shopping at his Target, or jogging in his park because of the scarlett letter that FOX23, Sara McAmis and Tim Harris have attached to my name, and he decides to adjudicate his own punishment upon me.
5. I would be remiss to not mention the passing of Dr. Charles Stanley whose TV ministry and monthly devotional over the past 3900 days have encouraged and blessed me in some of my toughest days while in prison.
Hallelujah! I find it reassuring that over the past 3900 days that I serve a King, Jesus, whom may have lost an election (8), but didn't demand a recount, didn't cry foul, didn't complain, didn't blame, and didn't call for an insurrection. The crucified carpenter was the hinge of history and allowed the will of the people to manifest his destiny. And I trust Him to manifest my destiny. I am trying my very best not to cry foul, not to complain, not to blame, and to not lead an insurrection. Rather, I am trying to build community where he has planted me and propogate a new legacy.
Eliezer Wiesel wrote and inspired quote that has stuck with me over the past 100 days. He said, "We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must intervene. When human lives are in danger, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Whenever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe." I relate this quote to the Bible verse that I feel best expresses the calling on the the next half of my life, "to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. To speak up and judge fairly, and to defend the rights of the poor and needy (9)." I am certain many of my brothers and sisters in Christ will think it strange that I will not run with them in riot (10) as I advocate for the persecuted, the prejudiced, and the prosecuted.
Regrettably, today does marks 3900 days since my conviction based on the weaponized false allegations of abuse levied by Myrtha Mikle and my prodigal Absalom. 3900 days is not even a blip in God's eternal continuum. It is 13 years after my initial arrest. I am a 54 years old incarcerated prisoner. I am an outlier. I am on the type of unique adventure to new places and new faces that I was planning on undertaking all along in my mid fifties. After resisting accepting this missionary assignment for so long and just trying to run faster than the overwhelming pull to give up, give in, self isolate, pull the drapes closed, pack on fifty pounds, become institutionalized, and just wait on the calendars to flip until my sentence is over, I have headed the sagaciousness of the African Proverb to run further by running with others. Years from now, when I look back on this season of my life it may be the past 100 days that have been the most encouraging, the most meaningful, and of the most personal growth and healing. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for helping me "run further and with endurance the paths of your commandments, for you have set my heart free (11)".
Endnotes
#1 1 Corinthians 9:24
#2 Genesis 41:14
#3 Stephen Furtick Elevation Podcast Ugly Trust Monday 5-1-23
#4 Philippians 2:16
#5 Jeremiah 29:4
#6 Jeremiah 51:31
#7 Hebrews 12:1
#8 Matthew 27:21
#9 Proverbs 31:8-9
#10 1 Peter 4:4
#11 Psalms 119:32
#UglyTrust
#runfurtherwithanother
#run further with another
#outliers
#Blink
#davidandgoliath
@malcolmgladwell
@tuckercarlson
