Holy Tears

 It was 3700 days ago today that I last spoke to my daughter. I've cried many, many tears over our estrangement. As Taylor Swift says, "Our tears become holy in the form of ink."

Family and Final Moments

 My throat is tight. My temples are throbbing. I have a growing headache. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, over my jawline, and down my throat......and I have to do it all in silence as I set on my rack (bunk) so that nobody else sees my vulnerability.

The series finale of Young Sheldon just played and it unlocked a flood of emotions and feelings of rejection and abandonment that I thought that I had dealt with. Worse than that, it exposed some internalized anger and unforgiveness that I didn't realize I had towards my children: both of them. There is a word, a word that evades me right now, that describes what many incarcerates do with certain television shows, movie series, books, and even games like Magic The Gathering and alternative religions. They immerse themselves into those storylines, essentially projecting themselves into that alternate reality and adopting those character and families as their own. The people, characters, and storylines become as real to them as the actual world. I've done this with MASH and the Star Trek universe in the past. I did it with Big Bang Theory. During my incarceration I have adopted the Cooper family as my surrogates. When the family patriarch died last week and then the family dealt with the aftermath tonight the storyline pulled at my heart strings. It's been years since I've heard from my children (32 and 27) or my wife. Watching Mary, Missy, and Sheldon each deal with their grief made me wonder what in the world they think about if and when they recall their memories of me. That thought sent me quickly free falling down into a dark shaft of self pity, feeling sorry for myself because my children and my former life partner, the people I've loved most deeply in the world, continue to reject me. Am I even alive too them, or, like George Cooper, have they held my funeral, moved on, and forgotten all about me? All of this self pity slammed into, and through me, hard in just a split second. However, just as quickly (within the length of a commercial break) I snapped back into reality, but the reverberations just added to the throbbing headache that my silent sobbing had already initiated. There is so much that I want to write about; that I want to scream about to my children as I watched this series finale. As Sheldon envisioned multiple realities where he made a different choice in his finale interaction with his father I couldn't help but wonder if Brandon regrets his final interactions with me and the lies he was cajoled into telling. I hope so. I hope he is haunted by his infidelity. As Missy looked at her father in his casket and reflects on their relationship I can't help but think about how close Monica and I were, yet it now been 3700 days since she last spoke to me (4-1-2014), 5 years since her last email (6-17-2019), and 4070 since I last saw her (3-23-2013). Those are not numbers representative of love. As I watched the families grief play out I prayed that Kimberly, Brandon, and Monica were watching as well and that the Holy Spirit would stir their hearts to reach out in love, grace, and mercy taking steps towards reconciliation and restoration. Monica and Brandon I love you. Unconditionally. I forgive you. Like the Prodigal Father, I'm ALWAYS watching the horizon and ready to embrace you when you decide to return and reinitiate our relationship. I hope you won't wait until its too late and your talking to my urn, confessing your love, your lies, and your licentious. I'm just an email or text away.

You can run, but....

 It was 5500 days ago today that my prodigal Absalom "ran away" to live with his Grandmother and escape accountability for his behaviors.

Happy Mother's Day

 Happy Mother's Day. I love and miss you mom. God willing we'll celebrate together next year. Thank you for your stalwart belief in my innocence, your love, your support, and you faith in me.

Congrats

 Congratulations to my nephson CMcD on your graduation from Connors State!

Valedictorian and President's Honor Roll, what an accomplishment. I am proud to know you and call you a friend, a rarity in prison. Finally, I can host a graduation party!

The beginning

 It was 14 years ago today that I was originally arrested.