Manasseh-Ephraim: June 2024

#4300 / 1905 days left? (1)

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born from adversity. Ecclesiastics 4:9-10 Votively, as I wrote about on day #4200, I am a continually becoming new man. The past 100 days have been very stable, and I dare say, almost enjoyable. In December 2023 I was given the opportunity to reformat our CareerTech Career Readiness curriculum. I jumped at the opportunity to recreate and restructure a class that was engaging, informative, and fun for the men taking it. We immediately began to simultaneously create and teach the new format in January. We are now instructing the third cohort and I feel that we are seeing some measurable increases in student engagement, participation, and achievement scores. This project has been the focus of my past 100 days. What a blessing to be operating in my gift. What a blessing to be validated in a way that allows me to express the God given talents with which I have been bestowed. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to speak into the lives and futures of these men for their betterment. Subsequently, I am thankful to be able to influence the types of men whom move into our unit and dorm, potentially being my neighbor. All around me over the past 100 days I have witnessed the most beautiful spring emerge. The woodsy area surrounding our compound reminds me so much of the many summers that I spent working at Camp Garland in Locust Grove and the hundreds of camp outs with my dad. Green country has truly lived up to its name. I am so thankful for the grasses, trees, flowers, birds, and insect life around me. I enjoy my workouts and runs each day as I look out over the woods and verdant fields. I am both drained and energized, at the same time, as I run my 5Ks and do my exhaustive workouts each day. We also witnessed a remarkable solar eclipse this spring. Standing outside and watching the sun go dark was quite a humbling experience. Standing in the eerie shadow of the moon, as it blocked the sun's light, held a lot of symbolism. One of my daily morning prayers is not to be two faced(2): that "as the moon reflects the sun that hangs in the sky, that I will reflect the Son that hangs on the cross in my character, my conduct, and my conversation". However, recently, I have often felt that there is something currently blocking some of that Son's light in my life. In Luke 22 King Jesus informs Peter that Satan has asked to sift him (Peter) as wheat, but that He (Jesus) had prayed for him, that his faith would not fail. This word "fail" means "to be eclipsed" (3). Over the past 100 days, I feel that my faith is being eclipsed at times. Lately, I have the feeling of being gaslighted by God. Incarceration was not the destiny I had envisioned for myself while growing up in a Christian home, nor as the benefactor of a multigenerational faith. Being incarcerated for 4300 days is not the "Thy will be done" for my life that I want, nor that I signed up for. If I had known as a child and teenager the "His will", " His plan", "His path" for my life was a 17 year incarceration I would have made different choices growing up. I would have had more fun. I would have taken more risks. I would have been less rigid, stoic, and scared of burning in a non-existstant hell of eternal fire and brimstone for the human soul that I was falsely taught about. I would have judged less and experimented more. As time passes and my Father filtered imprisonment, and the accompanying feelings of rejection and abandonment continue, I feel more distance from a living, caring, Creator God. I feel more judged and less loved, less cherished, less close to Him. But feelings are not facts, and eclipses do not last forever.

I am continually becoming a new man, a new son, a new father, and a new friend. The past 100 days have been transformative as I have loosened the nail biting strangle hold I had on my faith, hope, and trust for God to actually expose lies and liars and to relieve my sentence/incarceration. Unfortunately, I am still equating God with my wounds. You read that correctly! I still believe in an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent Creator God, but I continue to feel gaslighted by His plan, whatever His plan is. I am not at all happy with Him for continuing to choose to allow these insane lies to keep me incarcerated. So, I have just adopted a stable mindset that I will live here, in Taft, Oklahoma for the next 1905 (or less) days and have settled in to that decision. With that decision made, with that new expectation that God has chosen not to expose the lies and liars in the way He promises (on the timetable I want), I have had to adopt and adapt to the new reality of JDCC being my temporary long-term place of residence for the duration of my captivity. That decision means I have been more purposeful in reaching out to those around me and establishing new acquaintanceships. It means I have invested heavily in developing one new close friendship: a true brother. I have made myself open to playing board games and card games just to keep me in the mix. I have spent time listening to people and stories that I really do not give two licks about just to stay engaged. I have dragged myself to group workouts when I really just wanted to go for an unaccompanied run or set on my rack and read a book. Becoming a new man demands a lot of intentionality. Day to day life over the past 100 days has been very low key and routine. While I am not " lonely " or alone anymore, like so many of us were during the Covid pandemic, I find myself wanting something even deeper in my friendships. I miss being loved, held, and cherished by actual people, and by my Creator. That is the true punishment of being imprisoned: the severing of relationships, love, and human touch. I feel such resentment towards God at times for allowing Brandon's lies to continue to not be exposed, for my daughter's abandonment (where is my Father's Day card this month?), for the MAGA sham, for the war in Ukrainian, for the Hama's attacks, for Hitler and the atrocities committed at Auschwitz(4).... how are these actions/inactions indicative of His love for His creation? While not feeling judged for my outlook, I do pray that the Lord save me from my own thoughts. Scarily, at times, I imagine a conversation with the Fallen One who entices me to pursue my "feelings" and to be angry, resentful, etc. There is an imaginary conversation that I find myself engaged in with Satan where he taunts that "if I will just allow him to eclipse God's path, plan, and will for me that he can arrange for my quick release." I often have to rebuke those thoughts, knowing that I could easily be swayed and persuaded by them. But feelings are not facts, and eclipses do not last forever, so I endure. Aggrieviously, I realize some of those last few statements sound shocking and confusing. They are shocking and confusing to me too when they cross my mind! I feel like Peter being sifted and unaware of what he is saying/thinking/feeling until the crowing cock snapped him out of his desperately sad and sorry state. I find my Creator God and his actions, or lack of actions, shocking, confusing, and appalling. I just do not understand why I still believe in, and have faith in, a Sovereign that currently allows the destruction, murder, and rape of Ukraine and Israel. I just do not understand why I still believe in, and have faith in, a Sovereign that allows such vile, degrading, and divisive hate speech from the orange menace and other dictators when a modern day Jael would result in a lot of national healing: but I do. And I do not always understand why I do(5).

Thankfully, on a much more positive note, for the first time since leaving Crabtree, and since the Covid pandemic, I feel truly contented in my incarceral life (6). I credit this sense of contentment with being able to exercise my gifts/talents and finally having a truly authentic friendship. Probably one of the most significant friendships of my life. A friendship that rivals the ones I enjoyed with Kimberly prior to our marriage, with Mark, with Beth, or even those strong acquaintances I had developed in my preincarceral life with men from scouts and church, with Joyce, Stephanie, LaToya and the other educators at work, or those very few fellow incarcerates I confided in at Crabtree. What is so unique about this friendship is our commitment to honesty, our unabashed deference to asking each other the hard questions, and our mutual admiration of each other's gifts and talents. We have grown spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically close(7). I liken it to BJ and Hawkeye, Joey and Chandler or Pony Boy and Johnny (#Outsiders). We have divulged our deepest secrets, beliefs, and thoughts to one another beliefs and thoughts I had never openly discussed with Mark and had just barely skirted around with Kimberly. We engage in political and spiritual debate without becoming angry and often find consensus, or at least enlightenment that we did not have beforehand. We are our own two person bookclub. And despite our depth of sharing, we did not repel one another. That is a risky thing to do if you are an incarcerate with my charges more so for him than for me. This kind of honesty is rare to find outside of prison, and can be dangerous to engage in inside of prison. However, our depth of sharing had just the opposite effect. It drew us closer together. We have figuratively and literally stripped the masks off of each other....and the resulting validation in the face of such vulnerability has been one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given. Unfortunately, or maybe most fortunately, this authenticity has also exposed some of my own unacknowledged weaknesses, prejudices, and judgementalism causing me to take another deep introspective look at my core faith beliefs(8). I have only been this confidentially close to a few other people in my life. One abandoned me a few years ago due to her own reoccurring mental health issues and stress over my imprisonment due to our son's weaponized false allegations. I had not planned to be so open with someone else until my incarceration was over, envisioning a second chance at connection like Grandpa Ira and Grandma Maggie enjoyed in their late fifties. But, for whatever reason, he and I just hit it off. Our comradery, our conversations, and our compassion for each others circumstances solidified what I anticipate being a lifelong friendship and commitment to each other. In the Bible we read that King David and Johnathon had a friendship that I have read described as an "unbroken marriage of the souls.(9)" David and Johnathan shared a deep mutual affection (1 Samuel 20:41), and even made vows of commitment to each other (vv. 8-17, 42). Their friendship was marked by radical loyalty (19:1-2 30-31) Johnathon even sacrificing his right to the throne so David could become king (20:30-31 23:15-18). When Johnathon died, David lamented that Johnathon's love to him had been "more wonderful than that of women"(10) (2 Samuel 1:26). That is a Biblical definition and standard of a close abiding friendship.

One would think that being in your mid fifties that close relationships with non relatives would not be that important however, according to Jon Tyson in The Shadows Over Men's Hearts close relationships with other men are critical. What I do appreciate about our association, its ebb and its flow, is how validating it is. I made myself 100% vulnerable to another person. This is uncommon for men to do in the real world, and almost unheard of and dangerous to do inside of prison. I exposed my insecurities and the most emotionally vulnerable/sensitive parts of myself to him: figuratively and literally. I exposed the most emotional and physically insecure parts of myself to him.....and he validated me. I have not felt like that since being ripped away from my wife and former life. He is infinitely smarter than I am, but he does not make me feel inferior for what I do not know. He is much younger and much stronger than I am, but affirms my age and wisdom. He does not tease my because of my dad-bod, graying hair, love handles, or the fact that after 50 burpees I have to use my knees to get to 100. Because we have shared so much and we interact almost all day, everyday, he validates me in ways that Kimberly did not and my best friend would not have known to do. He acknowledges my existence and definitely validates my personal growth in ways that OKDOC does not care to do. Notably, I have written a lot about creating/building/maintaining this friendship over the past 100 days. That is because true authentic friendships require work. I love how the series The Chosen portrays the building of the friendships between the disciples themselves and the disciples with Christ. The Bible tells us that a friend loves at all times, and that a brother is born for adversity (Proverbs 17:17). Those brothers born for, or out of, adversity also keep us prepared for whatever the future holds. The Word further proclaims that as iron sharpens, so one person sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17). If you are reading this and need a friend, or are struggling with a hurt, habit, or hang-up (to include the desperate pain that accompanies loneliness) I encourage you to become involved in a Celebrate Recovery® ministry and begin working on your moral inventory. I encourage you to develope a new friendship like I have been blessed with: a friend whom you can take your masks off in front of a friend whom will speak truth to power, has got your back, can save you from yourself, and can help you become a new man. In Rick Warrens book A Purpose Driven Life (11) he says that revealing your struggles to a godly friend is a part of the path towards healing, that you need at least one person you can honestly share your struggles with. The Bible says that, "You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone..... if you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are in trouble." I have found that it has always taken a friend, old friends and new, to help me on my continuing journey into perpetually becoming the new man I am called to be while simultaneously validating the man I am. Endnotes: 1. On 5/30 the Oklahoma Legislature finally passed SB 1792 establishing a statewide sentencing matrix. The statute I am sentenced under is now a 75% crime, which will result in a significant time cut. I may just have 1600 days left on my sentence!

2. 663423=No Dice read Day #300 Proverbs 16:33 People may roll the dice to make a decision, but the Lord determines what happens.

3. Eclipsed = Strong's Greek #4617

4. I recently read The Tattooist of Auschwitz and seethe at how God allowed, allows, such cruelty to continue in His world, towards His chosen people.

5. I would like to engage in our little church community more, to bolster my faith, but it is a bastion of political gamesmanship. The "inmate led church leadership" is hypocritical, self-serving, and dogmatic. They only care about their own little Saturday night service and their self appointed and self approved acolytes. They do not consider the native community (or those spending prayer time in a sweat lodge) as real Christians. They discourage attendance at our Sunday morning Crossings Church service, because "it is all about the donuts" (not very seeker sensitive!). I am definitely a well-educated and outspoken outsider who does not feel welcomed by them or welcomed into their chapel. I have no need to be validated by them nor to drink their Koolaide. 6. What is there not to feel contented about? I never have to worry about when or where my next meal is coming from. I eat well (well, I eat OK) three times a day. I have plenty of the cleanest water in the world to drink and hot water to bathe in. I have daily laundry service. I have a job I enjoy (I would love to be paid for it on the outside). I sleep and dream well. I workout and run. I play games. I enjoy TV and books. I actually find myself laughing. It is an easy lifestyle. So why should I so desperately want to be released? Because I have no family to go home to each day. I have no spouse and children or "blood" to go home to each night. I have nobody to hug, to kiss, to scratch my back, to manicure my hands, to cook for, or to lay beside at night. I am locked away behind rows of fencing and concertina wire because I am labeled by the State of Oklahoma as such a horrible reprobate. I cannot vote for the people whom are supposed to represent my voice at the Capitol. 7. We eventually began working out together, along with a few partners of his. After being so very lonely during the Covid years and the Crabtree to Cushing to Lawton to Granite to Dunn moves I was so grateful for the acceptance and the opportunity to work out with other guys. Over the spring and summer of 2023 we grew tighter. We continued to confide our hurts, habits, and hang-ups to one another. We quickly became a support system for each other. Mostly he would talk. I would listen. I began to think of him as a son or nephew. We worked out every day. We challenged each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He credited me with encouraging him in his sobriety and in completing college.

Unfortunately, as the summer of 2023 bore on, the dreadful heat in the unairconditioned Unit B, as well as the persistent second hand cigarette, duece, marijuana, and meth smoke was becoming unbearable. I took a job in CareerTech, which allowed me to move to Unit D where there was rip roaring cold AC and no smoking on the pods. I moved on August 1st. It was a very difficult decision, and made me quite sad to put distance in this burgeoning friendship, but I needed to get away from the meth, deuce, and tobacco smoke, as well as the oppressive heat more than my desire to be around him. We continued to make efforts to stay in contact. I would meet him in the library each morning and give him my CareerTech coffee allotment, we would set together at church, took a fatherhood class together, met to play Scrabble, and occasionally wrote notes to keep in touch. All summer and all fall we kept dogging the CareerTech faculty as he pursued an orderly job so that he could move to Unit D as well.

Eventually, in early December, he got the job and moved to Unit D. Our friendship quickly ramped back up and even got stronger as we worked together each day, worked out every day, and played Scrabble. He was such a pleasure to be around, especially now that he was sober.

8. Once again I have totally #deconstructed my faith walk even more than I thought I had deconstructed it before. I have boiled Jesus and His teachings down to one truism: love. Jesus is love. Jesus preached love. Jesus exhibited love. New Testament love overrides all of the Old Testament horror stories of God using/allowing/encouraging/permitting rape, fratricide, abortion (Numbers 5), genocide, and His seeming ambivalence towards those whom did not descend from Jacob/Israel. Once I let the concept of loving God and loving others be my north star, I was able to just relax and let God flow unfiltered through me. Once you mentor, minister, and disciple from a view point of love, you can reach more people because love enables you to see past your own nature/nurture driven prejudices, judgementalism, and condemnations. Love allows you to pray from inside a sweat lodge. Love allows you to see past masks to the hurting person underneath. Love allows you to be more compassionate and less judgemental. Love puts country before party. Love is borderless. Love seeks truth over getting your own way. Love allows me to forgive the prodigal who used weaponized lies against me for his own selfish means. I still stay "on alert" so as to not be taken advantage of, this is prison after all, but when I see my fellow incarcerates through Jesus' eyes I can look past their addictions, LGBTQIA+ status, immigration status, language barriers, uniforms, criminality, or mental health issues to see their humanity and understand that they are in just as much pain as I am. I just happen to be able to acknowledge my own pain and have acquired the tools to work passed it. I wish the MAGA enchanted and grifted "evangelicals" could return to just living out of an abundance of love and less holier-than-thou nationalism that continues to tear our country apart. 9. A partial quote by Johnathan Finch written in 1860 upon the death of his close 36 year long friendship with Thoma Baines. 10. In a society where gender, gender identity, sex, sexuality, sexual expression, LGBTIA+ rights, etc. becomes quickly ensnared by partisan politics, David's feeling for his best friend and his quote from 2nd Samuel are very difficult to put into context. In a time where the MAGA adhearants and the conservative right want to judge where a person is on a spectrum, I wonder how they feel when Jesus welcomed his friends to lean in against his bosom (John 13:23-25). The affection, loyalty, and commitment King Jesus exemplified for us should be the basis of the deep friendships we should build together. 11. Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For day #27

Manasseh-Ephraim

Sunday, June 23, 2024

55 and Still Alive

Friday, June 21, 2024

Retirement Congrats

Thursday, June 20, 2024

Happy Birthday

Monday, June 17, 2024

Half a decade

Sunday, June 16, 2024

Happy Father's Day

Friday, June 14, 2024

1900

Thursday, June 13, 2024

4100

Sunday, June 9, 2024

Day 4300