Disillusioned?

 Am I disillusioned?

I want to begin this post by thanking all of you for the generous feedback from my Day #4300 post. It seems that my raw honesty struck a chord with many readers. I was overwhelmed and appreciative of all of the encouraging texts, emails, and notes that you have sent me (PTL for our Securus tablets!). As I pointed out in that blog, despite feeling gaslighted by God, I still hold firmly to my belief and faith in a Sovereign Creator. I trust Them, I am just wholly disappointed in Their timing. I keep missing and regretting the man I think I should have become over the past 4400 days had I not been unjustly held captive. When I think back over these past 12 years I believe that I may have deluded myself by buying into the commonly held prisoner mindset, and my self proclaimed false narrative, that if I allow myself to be "happy" while incarcerated (much different than having the joy of the Lord in my heart or even being contented) that somehow I have given in, have let the system beat me, have finally accepted my fate, or have become institutionalized. I regret that that mindset has often times held me equally as captive as the chain link that surrounds me. Upon reflection for writing this 100 day update, to my great surprise, I realized that I have been, I am, for the most part, happy over the past 18 months. I have chosen to be happy. I have recently been rereading Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty. I first read it last July and incorporated much of what I learned into my Day #4000 post on 8-14-2023. According to the information he conveys, my varna designation is a "Maker". Similarly, on the Myers-Briggs assessment I am equally an ISTJ and an INTJ (1), which is about the same as a Maker. When I turn to scripture I find the gifts that I am called to exercise also align with this varna designation: a. from God = to teach/serve (Romans 12:7) b. from Jesus = to teach/equip (Ephesians 4:11) c. from Holy Spirit = for discernment (1 Corinthians 12:7). Part of my recent revelation of happiness is attributed to me being able to just be me: a maker, an introverted nurturing leader, teacher, mentor, and friend. Like a sunburn you get on the ski slopes on a snowy overcast February weekend, I have resisted happiness for so long, that it took me a while to recognize it when it came back upon me. This new sense of happiness is attributed to having one very strong reciprocal friendship, some solid acquaintances, a strong and healthy body, a fit mind, and being able to operate in my giftedness. Shetty would say that I am operating in my dharma: an intersection of of my passions, skills, usefulness, and compassion. Currently, that describes perfectly what is happening in my life, even though I am incarcerated. I imagine this dharma intersection is where Joseph found himself during his own imprisonment due to the weaponized false allegations of abuse of Potipher's wife. Even Paul seemed to operate in his dharma while incarcerated in Rome. They both found a way to thrive and bless others even while being subjected to unfair prosecutions. It is these same attributes that the writer of Hebrews alludes to in the last half of chapter 10. Life does not have to be as difficult as many people, including most incarcerates, make it out to be. We can all chose to "be best". Everyone has a psychophysical nature which determines where they flourish and thrive. Dharma is using this natural inclination, the things you are good at, your thrive mode, to serve others. You should feel passion when the process is pleasing and your execution is skillful. And the response from others should be positive, showing that your passion has a purpose. This is the magic formula for dharma. PASSION + EXPERTISE + USEFULNESS = DHARMA. Living in your dharma is a certain route to fulfillment, as is living out your Sovereigns' bestowed giftedness.

Being able to create content and curriculum for our CareerTech Career Readiness program over the past twelve months has been very gift fulfilling. Facilitating the daily activities, tutoring, and guiding men through their learning experiences is every bit as rewarding as traditional classroom teaching was. The potential to expand curriculum writing into the carpentry program is a challenge I look forward to tackling. I have begun to learn how to do some computer coding, which has enabled me to create many online testing modules. I thoroughly enjoy using a smart board to teach algebra and calculus skills. I really enjoy helping men who thought that computing fractions, resume writing, and balancing a checkbook were truly beyond their capabilities suddenly realize how easy it is. Introducing financial literacy, communication, and job seeking skills has been very rewarding for them and myself. As a foundational matrix to all of this is an underlayment of cognitive behavioral therapy. In addition, I get to spend time with a really good friend, am supervised by a extremely compassionate, caring, and generous staff member, and I get to assist some residents whom are sincerely looking to transform their lives find a pathway to long lasting success. Emotional responses to the events in our lives that go unchecked often deceive and/or override our logical responses to the circumstances we find ourselves in. Tara Branch wrote that, "as long as we keep attaching our happiness to the external events of our lives, which are ever changing, we will always be left waiting for the illusion of success." Our search for the illusion of success is never for a thing/event, but for the FEELING we think the thing/event will give us. If happiness is feeling good about yourself, having close relationships, and making the world a better place, then by Shetty's definition I qualify as happy. However, I am shifting my focus from happiness onto the satisfaction that comes from living a meaningful life: even while living behind these fences. We can survive, and thrive, during the worst tragedies by looking for meaning, even in the middle of extreme loss. I celebrate how the Sovereign Trio has arranged a way for me to be a useful vessel here and to bless other men as they prepare to be released, find employment, and live on their own. There is satisfaction in seeing each man complete this program and journey out these gates.

Overwhelmingly and without a doubt the worst tragedy of my life, indeed the only tragedy of my life, that I have had to endure is the loss of relationship with my wife and our children. I am still looking for the Sovereign's purpose and meaning in that loss, while not allowing that loss to make me unhappy anymore. Detachment from my children and wife in prison has been the most difficult aspect of my incarceration to accept. Ironically, for the most part, I grew up in a detached home. I was rarely hugged or heard the words "I love you" or "I am proud of you," except by my Granny. I eagerly looked forward every summer, beginning at age thirteen, to leaving home and working Scout camp in Locust Grove. It was very easy to pick up and leave for months at a time. My dad was always the "Scoutmaster", which worked well for us: we understood each other, abided by the same common "Oath" and " 12 Points of Law", and were close on a different level than most fathers and sons. I always felt like I had his respect, his support, and his confidence in my abilities, capabilities, and decision making: this was his expressions of love to all of us boys. He fostered an independent detachment, as well as the capability to be independent, in each of his sons. This form of healthy detachment has worked well to help me survive the tragedy that was/is my incarceration. Unaccustomed to intense feelings of love and devotion, when I first met my life partner, her spiritual/emotional/romantic attachment to me was quick and deep. Mine was slower in coming as I had to learn how to love and be loved so deeply so completely. However, in our natural temperaments, we were/are fiercely independent. When writing our marriage vows we refused any language about leaving and cleaving, obeying, or completing each other. We were not two halves making a whole, we were two wholes complimenting each other and doing life together. Unlike the erroneously misunderstood and oft quoted Genesis 2:24 , we were not "two becoming one", but we were two ones who found each other and made a beautiful life and beautiful children together (TLAM p. 57). In fact, it was my attachments to my wife and my children that were the sources of the greatest pain in my life. Upon my initial incarnation, and for years later, it was my inability, my unwillingness, to let go of those feelings from those loving attachments that almost lead to my complete mental and emotional breakdown. Through a lot of reading, podcasts, discussions with my accountability partners, and prayer I have had to learn that I can still fondly remember, fully love, and enjoy my former life partner and my children from a place of nonattachment and zero interactions. On occasion, however, I do still relapse. When that happens I have to remember to do what Shetty teaches as I continue to SPOT a feeling or an issue, STOP to understand what it is, and SWAP in a new way of thinking. Contemplating this process is why I am recently wondering if I am deluding myself. I am continually reminded at Celebrate Recovery® that external goals cannot fill internal voids: whether those goals are for love, for family, for chocolate, for an orgasm, for caffeine, for drugs, for alcohol, for Twinkies, for Dr. Pepper, for.....anything to get that self soothing neurotransmitter release. Therefore, I am now questioning if I am repeating that same behavior, attaching my current happiness to the external events of my incarceral life, which are ever changing, by developing such a strong friendship and attachment to CMcD as well as classroom teaching: trying to recapture the illusions of the feelings associated with familial/paternal success. So, although I seem to be happy, I still sometimes grieve the me I would have been, should have been, could have been, by now. How can I expect anyone else to accept me the way I am, who I have become, if I keep regretting the man I think I have missed out on becoming over the past twelve years?

Often during the past 4400 days I have deluded myself by regretting the wealth I (we) have missed out on. Given the salaries my wife and I were making, and the potential for raises and promotions, we would have easily exceeded earning over one million dollars over the past 4400 days. However, not all wealth is measured in monetary terms. What wealth have I really missed out on? Time is another form of wealth. Character is wealth. Good conduct is wealth. Spiritual wisdom is wealth. Friendship is wealth. Learning not to judge the moment is wealth. Who you talk to, what you read, what you watch, what you do with your time: all of these sources attract a wealth of values and beliefs. Similar to what Vice President Kamala Harris recently shared about herself, my personal core values have not changed over the past twelve years, but my expressions of my values have grown, matured, been enriched, and expanded while incarcerated. In retrospect, while (we) may have missed out on a million dollars over the past 4400 days, I been enriched and gained a lifetime of wealth in so many other ways. Often in the past 4400 days I have frequently deluded myself by regretting the love I feel I have missed out on, or worse, believing Satan's lies that I am no longer worthy of being loved. But then They remind me that I am not delusional. I have so much to offer somebody, some person, some family, some community, some church, some employer. I refuse to be irrelevant. I refuse to be pushed aside. I am worthy of returning to society, in all of its fullness. I am worthy of a great job. I am worthy of engaging in ministry. I am worthy of great friendships. I am worthy to be a fully embraced father, son, brother, uncle and great uncle. I am worthy of a great relationship with someone whom will love me as deeply as I will love them. I am worthy of being loved now. I am worthy of your love (KBM, M and D, CJP, M and K, potential grandkids, CMcD and fellow incarcerates, potential church family and new unknown future friends). I am worthy of a future potentially new and mutually beneficial, mutually loving relationship. I am worthy of affection, of being held, of emotional and physical closeness. I am worthy of being hugged, touched, and held closely. I am worthy of hugging, touching, and holding someone closely. No, I am not disillusioned! I am just waiting for this part of my life to transition into the next while I continue exploring the paths laid out before me. In the meantime I will continue to embrace the way I am, the man I have become, rather than regretting the man I think I should have, could have, would have become over the past twelve years had my son not lied. So many more adventures await just beyond these concertina wire topped fences. I can't wait to emerge as a new man ready to see what They have in store for me. I will be out soon. There is no disillusion in that! endnotes 1. 16 MBTI Personality Types Descriptions (myersbriggs.org) Inividuals who are ISTJ, or I /introverted, S /sensing, T /thinking, and J /judging, are quite, serious, earn success by thoroughness and dependability. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic, and responsible. Decide logically what should be done and work toward it steadily, regardless of distractions.Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organized--their work, their home, their life. Value traditions and loyalty. Individuals who are INTJ, or I/Introverted, N/intuitive, T/thinking, and J/judging have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, have high standards of competence and performance--for themselves and others.

Parents' Accountability

Proverbs 23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you punish him with a rod he will not die. Proverbs 28:13-16 A discerning son heeds instruction, but an entitled child disgraces his father. If you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Correct him and save him from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad. Yes, my heart will rejoice when your lips speak what is right. Yet another senseless school shooting has taken place in America, this time in Georgia. In addition to the teenage shooter, Colton Gray, being arrested so was his father, Colin Gray. His father is being held accountable for his son's criminal behavior. Recently, in Michigan, James Crumbly was held responsible and imprisoned for his son Ethan's school shooting. In Texas, Antonios Pagourtzis was charged with his son Dimitrios Pagourtzis' school shooting. This past April in Virginia, school administrator Ebony Parker was held accountable for not intervening when a 6 year old student was terrorizing his classmates and teacher on a daily basis, eventually shooting and killing his teacher, Abigail Zwerner. I agree that parents should be held accountable, to a degree, for their own actions and inactions that directly contribute to their children's criminal behavior, especially if those parents did not take reasonable precautions to protect their own children and/or other children. If find it rather ironic that 15 years ago, on April 21, 2009, the day after my son turned 17, and the day his mother and I discovered that he was breaking the law and totally disrespecting the trust we placed in him, that the Tulsa County Courts ruled in HIS favor when we tried to ensure that he followed the laws for the final year that we were legally responsible for raising him. How disappointing! If the Tulsa County Courts had agreed with us that he needed to shape up rather than molly caudal him, all of our lives may be very different today.  

Our son was such a joy to parent, was compliant, was respectful, was joyful, and was easy to raise right up until the day that he was not (4-21-09). The influence of Kelsey Spears and her introducing him to marijuana and nightly unchecked sexual trysts at 1 a.m. in the morning rapidly overrode and corrupted his upbringing and training. In January of his junior year(2009) he pulled a fire alarm at Union High School causing a 5 alarm response: and despite our insistence that he be held accountable, school administrators and the Fire Chief believed his story of the tripped alarm being an "accident". However, it was not an accident that he repeatedly skipped early morning math tutoring that he was personally being dropped off at the school door for, blowing off his education for additional morning romps with the girlfriend we did not realize he had (she was just the girl across the street: "we're just friends" - boy were we obtuse).  

On the very day we called him on the carpet and were having an alarm system and cameras installed in our home to monitor his unauthorized midnight egresses out his bedroom window, his maternal adopted Grandmother, Annie O'Steen-Henderson, enticed him to "run away" to her home on April 22, 2009 rather than joining us in holding him accountable for his actions and choices. Tulsa County Judges Teresa Drieling and Judy Leitch bought into her "poor old pitiful me" and "they're too restrictive" act and they allowed her to assume guardianship during his senior year of high school. Then, a year later, when the corrupt former TPD detective Diana Baumann convinced him that weaponizing false allegations to bolster her pathetically weak case to support the lies of Myrtha Mikel and Bella Mendoza would be a great way to get revenge on us, he eventually agreed to do so. What if Brandon had decided to be a school shooter his senior year? Whom would have been held responsible? His mother and I? We went to the Courts for intervention and support, but Judge Drieling ruled against us. His guardian/adopted maternal grandmother? She allowed him to almost flunk out of high school. Judge Drieling? She limited our ability to hold him accountable and did not ensure he went to his mandated counseling, drug testing, nor track his academic decline until we called attention to his guardian's lackadaisical attitude and not fulfilling her court ordered duties. In addition, I further find it ironic that principal Parker was held accountable for her inactions, while I was denigrated and lied about by Myrtha Mikle when I intervened and removed a 6 year old terrorist, Jaylynn Hilley, from his classroom as he stabbed students with sharpened pencil and slashed at his teacher, Brooke Rowland, with scissors. Although Myrtha eventually admitted to her lies and a jury acquitted me of her weaponized false allegations, it should never have gotten that far. It's no wonder school administrators are sometimes slow to act when their very proactive actions could cost them their job. When do we, when should we, hold adults accountable for the actions of the children in their charge? How do we treat those under 18 whom are out of control? We read in the Old Testament where David failed to hold his son Amnon responsible for his actions and his entire family suffered. Samuel failed to hold his sons Hophni and Phinehas accountable and his entire family lost their blessing. On the other hand, Job intervened and made sacrifices just in case his sons went off course and still his entire family suffered. Sometimes parenting seems to be a lose-lose proposition. I do not know all of the right answers, but I do know that when parents go in front of a judge and inform the courts that their children have fallen off the rails, they need backup and their grievances should be taken seriously.......if Teresa Drieling had listened to us our lives would be so different today. Proverbs 23:13 and Proverbs 28:13-16 encourages corporal punishment as a form of discipline. I only spanked my son once (my daughter never). We raised them using the Growing Kids God's Way tenants, and they worked well, until we ran into the walls of drugs, sex, and an overly permissive and desperately lonely adopted maternal grandmother. Did we spare the rod? We NEVER NEEDED the rod. Brandon hardly ever acted out or was disrespectful, until he turned 17 and we decided to track his movements and monitor his phone/GPS to curtail his midnight rendezvous and hold him accountable to our expectations. My heart goes out to the families of the recent shooting victims as well as the parents of the shooters. I hope that the Courts holding these parents accountable for their inactions will necessitate a seed change regarding the security of firearms away from children/students. But I also hope that their will be a seed change within the Courts and that parents who need help reigning in their children will receive it.

In Memory of...

 The way of religion is to be known by rituals and rules.

The way of Christ is to be known by love. In memoriam of Justin Davis. Recently, I met the younger brother of a man who was released earlier this year. Noah related the devastating news about the recent overdose and subsequent death of his brother, Justin. It was a shock to those of us who knew him. Prior to his passing, Justin learned Noah was coming to JDCC and had told Noah to seek us (CMcD, Seth, and myself) out because, "Justin said you were a Godly man whom I could talk to and whom had helped him stay sober". What a humbling comment and recommendation. I hope that I am seen by my fellow incarcerates as a man who is known by my love and not for following some archaic, antiquated, and asinine rules and rituals. It is often hard to find the balance in prison between showing the love of Christ and not also being seen as a pushover or someone to be repeatedly taken advantage of (saying no to blessing the same man with a 9th, 19th, or 29th soup when he has made no effort to repay and worse, trades those soups in for a clip). Justin was riding in the same workout car as CMcD, Seth, and myself in all of 2023. He was in his late twenties, strong as an ox, and was earnestly working out his sobriety. His drive and commitment to our workouts as a way to cope with the stresses of incarceration, as a way to counter the urge to relapse, and as a way to be encouraged in his faith walk was absolutely genuine. His physical strength and stamina challenged CMcD and inspired the rest of us in the car to work that much harder. He was a genuine follower of Jesus Christ. He rarely missed a Crossings service on Sunday morning and attended several church services during the week. Previous drug use had destroyed his teeth and the OKDOC had finally pulled his painful rotting stems and prepared him for dentures just prior to his release. He was so looking forward to stepping up and being the son and brother he knew he needed to be. We all really believed he was on the road to success. I can only imagine the stresses and insecurities that accompany being discharged after multiple years of incarceration. Unfortunately, Justin relapsed. I hate it. I hate it for Justin. I hate it for Noah and their mother. I adamantly hate Satan, his demonic minions, evil entities, and unholy spirits that he uses to kill, steal, and destroy us. He hates humanity so much. I find reassurance in knowing that Justin was a professed believer in Jesus Christ, symbolized his faith through baptism, and now has some eternal peace from his childhood hurts and the habits and hang-ups he used to cope with that unresolved pain. I do not know exactly what kind of new creation bodies we get in the new age, but if we are responsible for their upkeep I certainly hope I (we) can catch a workout with Justin. Rest in peace Justin. We will catch up with you on the other side of the veil.

12 Years

So, today marks the twelfth year of my conviction and incarceration........and I am realizing that it just does not bother me as much as it used to anymore. I have made peace with the Sovereign's plans for me, despite how much I hate their plan. Today was just another day of the missional life that I am living.......not the missional life I envisioned or the day-to-day life that I want/ed, but my life nonetheless.

If you have read this blog for any length of time you know the facts. You know the lies. You know how I feel. There is no use to continue to reiterate and berate the facts. No amount of prayer, hope, faith, wishful thinking, positivity, or legal filings have made a difference in exposing the lies/liars and revealing the truth, so I am choosing to just enjoy this day like any other in this life I have been assigned. I slept well and deep last night, like I always do. I am surrounded by angels, so I just completely trust my overnight care to them, as I have done for the past 4384 days, and I am able to sleep with both eyes and both ears closed! I enjoyed my regular 5 a.m. Sunday morning coffee cake and banana. I attended Crossing's Church with my best friend and indulged in a Krispy Kreme donut. I had my hair cut, played nine holes of footgolf with some good guys, and pushed through a strenuous weighted burpee workout with my crew. I found quiet time to finish part one of a new trilogy and begin book two. It was a really good day, for a day in or out of prison. Certainly, I missed my parents, my former spouse, my kids, and my real world friends....as I do every single day...but as you will read in my Day #4400 Reflection in a few weeks, I have made peace with that and I choose to be genuinely happy today! My dear son: I continue to chose to love you my child. You can hurt me when I say I love you, but I will love you anyway(1). I continue to choose to forgive you, and I miss you son. I continue to choose to speak blessings over your life my child. I continue to pray that you will soon choose to stop acting like a Kylo/Absalom and follow the path of the Prodigal. endnote: 1. from A Wrinkle In Time