The past 100 days (since Sunday, April 5th) have passed so very quickly. The yard has been fairly calm. There really are not a lot of events to write about, however, the few things that have happened have been extremely significant. In fact, some of the most significant of my incarceral experience. A combination of three or four factors have really challenged and changed my attitude lately. You could say that I have learned to play the ball where the monkey dropped it, and I am coming in under par.
Above and beyond anything else, the most difficult event that I have experienced since the betrayal, rejection, and abandonment of my son, wife, and daughter over the past thirteen years was the June 20th discharge of one of the best friends a person could ever have; the only true friend and confidant that I have made while I have been in prison. The emotional toll of that separation was reminiscent of coming into the prison system all over again and the shifts in your reality that you have to make to survive the severe emotional trauma while having your reality shredded to pieces. I have written about my response to his leaving previously. However, it has been almost three weeks now, and the recent micro shifts in behavior that many people, including myself, have had to make in response to his absence have been noteworthy and interesting.
Chris was/is one of those gregarious individuals that others naturally gravitate to. He was/is widely influential and well thought of. His absence left a void in many of his circles of influence. In his unique foresight Chris knew where the gaps would be when he left and he prepositioned resources (people) to step into those empty places. He ensured that the roles he played in each of his individual relationships in his overlapping spheres of influence were covered by someone else, to include recruiting replacements in our workout crew, men to check in on those whom he was speaking life into, and replacement sponsors/accountability partners for those in recovery. I write all of that as a way to explain that the portions of his life that I and others have absorbed have already resulted in new, renewed, and strengthened alliances. Much like it is portrayed on CBS' Big Brother or Survivor on reality television, thriving and surviving in prison is directly related to the alliances that you cultivate. Chris left those people he was aligned with and cared about well prepared to shift and redefine their roles upon his discharge, for the next 100 days, and beyond. I appreciate, and am thankful for, the new comraderie I am building with LM, NW, and WW as part of those strengthening alliances.
One of the other huge events that occurred over the past 100 days was taking on one of the biggest bullies on this yard. Ironically, it happened later in the day on the afternoon of the same day CMcD discharged. Maybe my boldness was in response to my grief, or maybe it was just time to put him in his place. Either way, it felt so good to confront him after seeing him push around so many people for such a long time (1).
Keenly aware that God can use every small thing that occurs in our lives to teach us something, to stretch our faith, or the faith of others, the third big event that occurred this past 100 days was our Unit D fitness challenge the weekend after CMcD discharged. Our workout crew had been training for it and doing practice runs for a few weeks before he left. It was a brutal course, and the one hiccup for me was going to be completing the full hang pull-ups. We have done up to 300 chin-ups on a regular workout day, but pull-ups are a different beast, especially with my arthritis and tendonitis. I typically do not do them and was not going to participate rather than suffer the pain associated with them. I was going to be, by far, the oldest participant to enter, and did not want to embarrass myself with a poor performance in front of the yard. But I did it! 25 men ran the course. Nick W. (a 30 year old whom I regularly workout with) came in 1st at 7:49. Levi M. (the Leviathon, another 30 something I workout with) came in 4th at 10:09. The slowest time was 27 minutes. I ran the course in 11:49 placing 11th, doing better than average, and beating many 30 year olds in the process. As the rest of the yard and staff watched me compete I could tell they did not expect much from the old guy, but I certainly surprised them, and myself. I pushed past the extreme pain caused by the pull-ups and did really, really well. I was congratulated by many men and received many compliments for competing so well against guys 25 years my younger. When asked how I did so well I recognized the opportunity to give God the glory by expressing how following His desire for me to live a "clean" life, drink plenty of water, and keep building up this temple he has loaned me has kept me this healthy and strong (2).
Inevitably there are also a few events that happened in the outside world over the past 100 days that cast their shadows into ours. 100 days ago we were freezing and our unit would not warm up. Today were swelter with the unit unable to cool down. My uncle Richard died over the past 100 days. Elon's DOGE cuts defunded our bookclub (which was a part of the Tulsa Arts and Humanities Council), as well as defunded the DOC's Moral Recognition Therapy (MRT) program and the Substance Abuse Training (SAT) program that were part of the Parole Boards requirements for early release. King Trump's $45 million Birthday parade was a bust and his Big Beautiful Bill has defunded my DOC provided Medicare coverage, meaning my medical and dental services will be greatly diminished. Who knows what effects King Taco and his DOGEbag's current public falling out will have, but the yard is not immune from the political divisions that affects the rest of this country (3).
Now that I reflect upon these three events, as well as my already proven reputation as being a consistently competent and compassionate facilitator at both work (CareerTech Career Readiness(4)) and at Celebrate Recovery®, I once again see a theme, a thread woven through the past 100 days, that shows God is still at work in my life. What I do not yet understand is if it is my microshifts in my own perceptions, the absence of CMcD as a type of filter/shield, my desire to not turn back to my pre-covid introverted/introspective ways in his absence, my leading the charge against the yard bully, and/or my performance at the fitness challenge event (think Survivor) but I feel as if I have gained/evolved/leveled-up in my standing on the "leader boards". Maybe it is because I have better learned to play the ball where the monkey dropped it, rather than take the mulligan, or to not even play the rounds at all. Maybe it is because when you go from praying that 'God gets you out' and instead praying that 'He comes in' that you realize that your location has less to do with your calling and more to do with the people that you were destined to serve and live with.
Goodness knows what the next 100 days holds. I pray that they are as calm and static as the past 2.5 years on this yard have been. I do know that I have recently invested too much time playing Dysmantle on my tablet. Humorously ... annoyingly .... anytime it appeared that I was just setting around with nothing productive to do, CMcD was often fond of getting in my face and asking, "Is this what you are going to do with your life?" I really miss that challenge and the wonky warm mischievous smile that came with it. However, unless and until my prodigal feels the conviction of the Holy Spirit to man up and tell the truth, then I guess that this is what I am going to do for the next 100 days ... the next 1505 days .... facilitate change, sponsor those in recovery, and keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight .... and then .... when I discharge .... I will see where the monkey drops the ball again and begin to play a new round ... fore!
ENDNOTES
1. In my thirteen years in the system, I have found that the absolute worst inmates to deal with are not the addicts, the gang members, the institutionalized, nor even the staff. It has been chapel orderlies and the chaplains that they work for (the only thing worse is being a cell thief). In my experience chapel orderlies were typically white collar desk jockeys prior to their conviction, whom were accused as sex offenders, child porn users, and even child molesters but have now "found Jesus". They hide out in chapel classes all day until they eventually become an orderly, at which point they feel like they have some power to wield. They seem to typically view themselves as superior to addicts and alcoholics and thieves and other residents suffering from the effects of extremely difficult lives. They are typically pompous, portly, and pride filled. They hate it when the hurting come inside of their immaculate and air conditioned spaces for any modicum of help or relief. They remind me of blue haired church ladies whom hate VBS events because cookie crumbs may get on the carpet or muddy feet may mar a hallway.
This is especially true of the JDCC chapel orderlies, and even more so over the past 100 days as we have no fulltime religious programs director aka "chaplain" to reign them in (one RPD was reactivated to the military and his replacement then died of complications from his obesity). These orderlies feel like they are "large and in charge". They do their best to keep people with hurts, habits, and hang-ups out of their immaculate building and one of the very few air conditioned spaces on the yard. They hate that our Celebrate Recovery® ministry caters to the unwashed, the stinky, the addicted, and those just looking for a free cup of coffee to sip on in a calm, safe, air conditioned space for a couple of hours on a Friday. On the very day CMcD left, in the absence of a chaplain, these self-righteous bullies attempted an end run around us to curtail our ministry. I immediately responded with full voice assertiveness that put them both in their place. As they attempted to justify their actions by invoking the dead chaplain's name, I called them out as liars and charletons in front of quite a few people, and they went into apologetic retreat.
Maybe my severe reprimand and chastisement of these judgemental liars was because I was mourning the discharge of my brother-in-arms earlier in the day or maybe because they were being so judgemental of guys whom are struggling to break free of their addictions, but they crossed a threshold that afternoon that was just a step to far for me that day. Usually, I just ignore these two. Usually, most newer residents cow to them to gain favor with the chaplain. Usually, most men whom are trying to do real ministry just give them a wide berth and shrug them off. But on that day I put them in their place with an assertiveness that shut them up and shut them down. To be honest a couple of CR guys called me out later in the evening for being out of character .... but I really was not out of character .... it was just a part of my character that I have not had to utilize in some time. As a counterpoint, many, many other men thanked me for saying what needed to be said for a long time now.
Maybe my severe reprimand and chastisement of these judgemental liars was my way of dealing with the suppressed unforgiveness that I still harbor toward Brandon, Ann, Detective Baumann, ADA McAmis, Kimberly, and even Monica. It felt quite good to tear into these bullies. Later in the evening as I replayed the event in my mind, I was surprised at how perfectly OK I was/am with focusing/channeling all of my minor incarceration anger/frustrations towards Groover and Stewart, feeling fully justified in that. As long as I remain agitated with/at them then I am less focused on my negativity towards Kimberly, Brandon, Monica, ADA's, etc ... I fully acknowledge that these two portly, pride filled, and pompous Sadducees have taken the place of Kitson as the focus of my discontentment ... and I was/am OK with that. If I let them off of the hook, whom will I then focus my negative energies on?
2. Our yard had a "fitness challenge" on Saturday 6/28 consisted of:
20 full release push-up
10 full hang no momentum pull ups
30 full squats to the bucket
10 yard dash
15 burpees with jump
80lb farmer carry for 25 yards
30 full squats to the bucket
50 yard bear crawl with 4 points of contact
40 yard dash
40 full step-ups
30 full squats to the bucket
25 full chest pumps at 45 degrees
75 yard dash to finish
I managed it in 11:59, coming in 11th out of 24. I was by far the oldest, most were about 30 years old, several still in their twenties. The fastest time was 7:49, the slowest was 27 minutes. My time was better than average. I was glad to exceed my goal and place better than many in their mid-thirties and forties.
Oh, and I ran three miles just an hour or so prior. Praise the Lord for my good health. Pretty good for a kid who grew up with multiple allergies and asthma whom had to have his mother give him allergy injections every week for several years! Thank you Dad and Mother for providing a smoke free, alcohol free, drug free (unless we honestly count Dr.Pepper as a caffeine/sugar drug) environment.
Keeping myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight ....
3. The most disturbing thing about the Trump and Musk feud are Musk's weaponized accusations of Trump as a sex offender based on information that he implies that he has from the still unreleased Epstein files - whether true or not the weaponizing of claims of sexual abuse are not funny or proper (and if Musk knows something and has been hiding it, waiting to use the information for a cause, that is just as bad). All it took was a whisper of impropriety from a couple of conspiring and aggrieved DEI hires to upturn my life.
4. I recently taught my first transgender student. It was an interesting experience. I thought I might have difficulty using the correct pronoun. However, I was more worried about how the other men would treat me if I called Phoebe "her". Remarkably the entire class called him " her", treated her as an equal, and seemingly had zero issue with her. When she tried make LGBTQIA issues out of our curriculum, I found ways to gentle reminder her that she is living in Oklahoma. As a felon, a wiccan, and a woman she already had three strikes against her and if she wanted to find a job upon her release she needed to focus on building her professional resume and skills and not pushing an agenda (or using pink curly cue fonts in her writings). Luckily her attitude and disposition made for an interesting class.
