Day 4500

1705 days/55 months left

I wish you all Merry Christmas and a happy Boxing Day. Mercifully, this autumn has been a very peace filled 100 days. I have so much to be thankful for right now. I am finding so much fulfillment at work, fulfillment in my ministry, and fulfillment in my friendships. In fact, I do not know that I would be any more content, fulfilled, or free-to-be-me even on the other side of these fences. Freedom is not the same as autonomy. True freedom involves submitting to the will of the Lord. Ironically, because of my submission to the Lord this past year, I have felt an undeniable pull to be even more strongly involved in the lives of my peer/friend group as I have accepted the challenge to become a new man in 2024. Having this particular strong pull towards acceptance from a friend and a peer group is something new for me, period. Often, however, because I do not "imbibe", I feel like I am caught in that episode of "Friends" where Rachel keeps missing out on the group catharsis, group experiences, and group discussions because she did not smoke and go take the common employee smoke breaks outside. I often feel like that. I miss out on some of the inside jokes and group decisions because I do not participate in a couple of their mildly unhealthy habits.....not sinful behaviors...just not beneficially healthy. I often wonder if I am holding myself to too high of a standard, a standard the Word does not actually specifically lay out for us, as some last remaining vestige of my own childhood religious indoctrination. Unabashedly, I think about my Grandpa Cowen as I contemplate what real freedom is. In his sixties Grandpa loosened his grip on "religion" and took that self righteous stick out of his arse. As he smoked a cigar with his grandsons (not me (1)), drank a cervaca with his daughter (not my mother), sipped a beer with his younger brother and grandson (again not me (1 #mwbsp)), consumed vodka soaked raisins for pain (ahem, Ira, how many does it take to feel better?), and frequently enjoyed some overly fermented combucha tea, he became so much more relaxed and seemed like he finally was enjoying life.The transformation he undertook in his sixties made him much more relatable, fun to be around, and interesting to engage with. Once he quit trying to live out the idealize self image he had spent a lifetime building up and gave himself a break, the new man that emerged was so much more authentic to whom he was created to be. Like my Grandpa experienced late in life, I like to think that I too am now becoming the new man that I was always meant to be. Unlike Grandpa Ira, I have always been open to change, in fact I have always, always, sought out new adventures, new experiences, new growth, and new change. I feel like I have always been evolving and expect that mindset to continue over the entire course of my life. One of my friends and I have been commenting of late that we are living life "one cliché at a time." It seems that the 2024 counter cultural prophet Jelly Roll has summed up these past 100 days quite well for me when he sings that, "I'm not OK, but I'll be alright." I have rediscovered that "the wound is the place where the light enters you." I have learned to "see through the noise to hear the news." And the "news" of late has been good (NOT the political, international, or TV news, those fronts absolutely suck!). Frankly, the "news" I am referring to is that I truly have so much to be thankful for right now, on day #4500. I am finding so much fulfillment at work, fulfillment in my ministry, and fulfillment in my friendships. In fact, I do not know that I would be any more content, fulfilled, or free even on the other side of these fences.

I am fulfilled to be able to operate in my spiritual giftedness each day as I interact with "students" while teaching CareerTech Career Readiness skills. I have noticed that those men whom make the greatest strides while incarcerated are those whom, like CMcD, LM, and CS, made a decision, a choice, to capitalize on the educational opportunities available (GED, Conner State College, CareerTech), have taken self improvement courses (Malachi Dads, Celebrate Recovery®, Life skills), focus on healthy/fit living, and have built healthy reciprocal friendships/relationships/community where they are at. That I get to play a small part in that transformation through classroom teaching is an incredible honor. While 6:30am is very early to start class each day, I am so blessed for that opportunity to continue to work in a profession I have always loved. I am fulfilled to be able to operate in my ministry giftedness each week as I interact with men while co-leading our new and growing Celebrate Recovery® Inside®. In fact we "graduate" 12 men from our first step study next week and I am very excited to be organizing a training day event and graduation banquet with our Tulsa sponsors (Steve and Rich from Southern Hills) on January 3rd. We are also hosting a yard-wide showing of Homerun on January 10th. We begin a new round of step studies on January 17th. Our group grew 300% over the summer and fall. There is a personal satisfaction, a personal fulfillment, in watching these young men my son's age transform as they discover that their faith placed in Jesus Christ offers them hope, health, and healing from their hurts, habits, and hangups. I am fulfilled in my friendships. CMcD continues to be an important friend/brother/confidant (2). He has become one of the top 20 most important and influential people of my lifetime. The way he handled the recent disappointment related to his denied parole in November is personally encouraging and examplery to me. The way he implemented everything we have read and talked about over the past 24 months were played out in real time. He adopted a monk mind set (opposition to the monkey mind). He choose manhood over boyhood. He choose to see God's blessings in the delay (opposition to the denial). He has taught me so much about perseverance and the determination it takes to overcome circumstances...and he has had circumstances... since the very day he almost was not born. Watching him grow in his faith walk is inspirational. I am so thankful to the Lord for him and for the way Chris challenges me, grounds me in reality, and holds me accountable. I am proud of him, proud for him, and proud to be counted amoung his friends. Likewise, getting to know LM and CS while working out, talking, breaking bread, and praying together each day has encouraged my spirit and given me even more insights into how easily a person's life cash slip into/onto a pathway that leads to incarceration. None of them should be here. They should have been placed into diversionary programs, detox, and in counseling a long time ago as teenagers, but they had grandmothers whom excused and caudled their misbehaviors. They were, they ARE, all good men whom had circumstances that did not allow them to fully realize their potential (ironically this just makes me more disappointed in my prodigal and his own squandered potential. Did I waste my efforts in raising him? Only time will tell. I wish he could spend time with these men, whom are all his age, so he could realize how privileged he was and see the waste his willing perjury and weaponized false allegations of abuse have made of his life).

Evaluating each 100 days of my incarceration continues to help me see the small but significant ways God continues to bless me (4). While there were some very minor negatives over the past 100 days (5), the positives continue to far outweigh them. I see so many men in here let some minor set back "twist them off" for weeks. But I can not live in that fear. Negative things happen to ALL of us. Fear is how you loose your life....a little bit at a time. What we give to fear we take from faith. I refuse to choose to allow my faith to be depleted when some insignificant setbacks occur inside or outside of these fences.

December has traditionally been the hardest month to endure incarceration. Mercifully, this December has been a very peace filled. I have so much to be thankful for right now. I am finding so much fulfillment at work, fulfillment in my ministry, and fulfillment in my friendships. In fact, I do not know that I would be any more content, fulfilled, or free-to-be-me even on the other side of these fences. This year, this particular holiday season, the positives outweigh the negatives and I truly wish the same for you. Endnotes 1. #mwbsp mother would be so proud - I'm loving the new Matlock with Kathy Bates! Simply genius. 2. I Enjoy being able to have "real talk" about our relationships, future relationships, and finding someone special in each of our lives with CMcD. As he reconnects with past female friends I am reconsidering reaching out to my own. My hesitation is my ongoing struggle with reoccurring feelings of rejection/abandonment. I am at a good point right now with having put my former wife and my children all in a box and then placing that box on a shelf, just living the incarceral life I have w/o worrying/concern over the uncertainty of what is going on outside of these fences. I am physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally healthier by focusing my efforts and energies on my workout buddies, the men in CareerTech, and the men in Celebrate Recovery®. Why open up that sealed box and invite the possibility of pain IF I do not truly have to/need to? From the movie IF by Lewis the Bear, "Nothing you love can ever be forgotten. You can always go back. Memories live forever in your heart, you just need to invite them out." Some day, when my love/memories can be requited, I'll open the box and let them out. 3. I have noticed that more and more people are interacting with me and that they call me by my given name. To staff we are all dehumanized and called by last name with an impersonal militaristic tone, or worse, our chattle number. I almost always address a fellow resident as Mr. ___ or as sir, and that is usually reciprocated in how I am addressed. The students in my CareerTech Career Readiness class and at Celebrate Recovery® I try to address by first name as it seems more personal. I usually avoid street names or monikers. I have not allowed one to be placed upon me nor allowed any shortened forms of my own name. I especially enjoy hearing my name used by my friends.....it reminds me that I am more than an entry on the State's inventory rolls.

4. Not every moment of every day has been roses the past 100 days. On the morning of 11/26 my 8 year old TV fritzed. It was very distressing for a moment. Listening to the television is a lifeline for me. I had no money to replace it because I was also replacing my 3 year old running shoes as the 3,000 miles I had run in them had left them in absolute shambles. However, in the uncanny way God has about himself, He had arranged up to 3 replacement offers within an hour. PTL I was immediately and affordably able to fix the situation in just minutes. On 12/1 I had a rough start to my morning. One of my friends woke up in a bad mood, which is often typical. It takes him a minute and some coffee to shake off the dreams and memories of childhood sexual/physical abuse, rejection, and abandonment that haunt/taunt his mind each night. This morning he was talking about giving up on his faith walk, relapsing, and other negative self talk. His mind was under continual attack from Satan. Satan hates to see a person find freedom and victory in Christ. It breaks my heart for him to know that this is his fight, his battlefield of the mind, and all I can do is pray for him and watch it play out. I even left the chow hall early so as not to indulge his fantasy and off the wall commentary. I sometime regard him as an actual son, so that kind of "tough love" pains me. I almost feel like I am abandoning him when I don't indulge/listen to all of his negative self talk, but I don't want to be an "audience" that offers encouragement to his repeating out loud the seed thoughts that the Deceiver has scripted for his torment. It is hard to see someone you love in that much pain. I felt a deep sadness walking back across the campus by myself from chow. I know that pain of rejection and abandonment, and the thought that I might contribute to that pain in someone else's life is not a pleasant proposition. That is a new fear I have....of inflicting the pains associated with my own unresolved rejection onto him, or anybody, because of things I may say or do, or worse, by not doing and not saying the things I should. But I can not live in that fear. Fear is how you lose your life.....a little bit at a time ....... what we give to fear we take away from ..... faith On the morning of 12/10 I had a very brief minor health "episode"... I am still not altogether certain what was going on there.

The Truth Comes Out

WOW! Today Crystal Gail Mangum, whom weaponized false allegations of rape against Duke University lacrosse players in 2007, now admits she lied about the abuse she allegedly suffered as an act of revenge against those young men. She admits that she willingly committed perjury, being encouraged to do so by detectives and the District Attorneys office. Thank goodness for the courage of then North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper for seeing through the bullshit and not prosecuting those boys. I wish Tulsa County District Attorney Tim Harris had been less like Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong and had stood up to my false accusers and dropped all charges when they admitted to their perjury at my civil trial (which had taken place prior to my criminal trial).

Maybe one day my prodigal Absolom/Kylo will be courageous enough, Christian enough, to do what Mrs. Mangum did today and tell the truth. Maybe one day Tim Harris will realize he was duped by Brandon, ADA's Jake Cain and Sara McAmis, as well as the now retired, disgraced and former "detective" Diana Baumann and correct this injustice. For more information about the weaponized false allegations of Crystal Mangum read 76 Fordham L. Rev. 1337 Fordham Law Review December, 2007 Symposium: Ethics and Evidence III. The Ethical Limitations on Prosecutors When Preparing and Presenting EvidenceTHE DUKE LACROSSE CASE, INNOCENCE, AND FALSE IDENTIFICATIONS: A FUNDAMENTAL FAILURE TO DO JUSTICE Robert P. Mosteller Copyright (c) 2007 Fordham Law Review Robert P. Mosteller For more information on "detective" Baumann's manipulation of evidentiary procedures and withholding evidence from the prosecution and defence read about Oklahoma vs William Wolverton Bridges.

56 years

What a great 56th birthday! It seems like my last birthday just was not that long ago. These past few years have just flown by, and 2024 has flown by more quickly than any prior. I only have 4 more birthdays (at most) to acknowledge during my incarceration. Only 4 more holiday season! Oh, the next 55 months are going to fly by!!

I started the day with a cold, but invigorating, 5k. That was followed by a relaxing hour long haircut where I received a sharp looking high faded swoop. I thoroughly relished back-to-back visitations where I enjoyed playing cards and working a jigsaw puzzle. Over the past two days I have been treated to a delicious huge chicken Caesar salad and some New York style strawberry cheesecake. My cellie rented Despicable Me 4 to watch in the afternoon and I ended the evening playing Axis and Allies. I have also indulged in some Blue Bunny Bunny Tracks ice cream. God has provided me with great friends, strong supportive acquaintances, and some very special "insiders" whom have shown me great grace, mercy, and compassion over the years...and this year, this birthday, even more so. The only things that would have made it better were a visit to the chiropractor, a mani-pedi, and a deep tissue massage. That being said I would give all of that up for just some small contact from my daughter and my prodigal telling me they love me, seeking my forgiveness, and establishing amends. While I hate being incarcerated and the restrictions on exercising my full freedoms, the Sovereign Lord still finds ways to wildly bless me, even behind this thin vale of a fence. Thank you Jesus for your continued outpouring of care, compassion, concern that you back up with your peace, protection, and provision. I trust that there is indeed a plan behind all of this, that you are going to restore relationships, provide recompense for all the locust have eaten, and uphold your promise to work all of this out for my good and your glory.

Happy Birthday Dad

 Happy 78th Birthday to my Dad! I love, admire, and respect you more than you know.

Happy Birthday Mom

 Happy 76th Birthday to my dear Mother. I love you.

Busy Weeks

Whew! What a week (what a couple of weeks). On Monday the 21st I was asked to facilitate an OSHA-30 (30 classroom hours) experience this week. I had four days to review materials, modify PowerPoint's, create a schedule, syllabus, student handbook, and facility memorandums from scratch as well as arrange catering and classroom space. I stayed up every night last week until 11pm building, creating, editing, and reediting curriculum. Thank goodness for MS Publisher on my computer and decades worth of training. By the time the 30 students showed up this Monday morning at 6:30 am we were ready. It was a long four days, and I had to make several changes on the fly, but it went amazingly well given the time constraints, my limited access to the materials that I really needed, and some intentional roadblocks. However, when it was all said and done all 30 passed their final examination today and will be OSHA certified! Whew! What a week. I am exhausted. I am exhilarated. I am so extraordinarily satiated. For the first time in quite a while I feel like I was acting in my natural giftedness and learned skill sets. It reminded me of my time as a GROUP Publishing Children's Ministry Magazine Live! presenter, PTA President, Children's Minister and school teacher/administrator......and it was awesome. I anticipate that after I revise the student handbook and syllabus next week that it might be used DOC wide. It would nice to leave that behind as part of my legacy to incarcerates who come behind me. By the time we present to the next class in January I expect the presentation to really be outstanding.  

Thank you Jesus, on this eve of All Saint's Day, that Y'all still find ways for me to be useful, to impact those around me, and to inspire some of these hopeless and helpless youngsters grow up into their full potential. Your loving care, compassion, and concern for me continues to humble me. 

I Get It/Missy

I get it. I always have. But getting it, understanding the root causes of other people's pain, problems, and persecutions is not always enough. Understanding the root causes of my pain, problems, and persecutions is not always enough. And so I set here on my rack this evening, thoroughly exhausted mentally, physically, and now emotionally with tears streaming down my face, mumbling aloud to no one in particular, "I hate you. I hate you. I hate YOU! I HATE you. I HATE YOU!" to God.

Satan, his demonic minions, evil entities, and unholy spirits immediately tried to seize the moment to further discourage me and cause a deeper divide in my relationship with my Sovereign Higher Power. However, the Holy Spirit was quick to swoop in and remind me that to hate someone you have to not only believe they exist but you (probably) had to at one point love them, including The Triune God Head. I am taking condolence in my former, but depleting, depths of love as I come to terms with my ongoing vacillating feeling towards God and this continuing unjust incarnation that He allows that keeps me separated from my own grieving Missy and Prodigal. Thank goodness for the compassionate humanity and love of Jesus and the comfort of the Holy Spirit that continually replenishes me. It would be so much easier to just not believe that a Sovereign Creator and higher power exists. It would be so much easier to not be burdened with knowing that a rescuer, a righteous judge, a healer and an advocate exists, but whom then continues to allow so much injustice throughout time, to include today. It would be so much easier to not be hurting and write the people, their pain, and their problems off as insignificant and just live my life for me, or decide not to live at all. If I believed in hell, then I am already living in it. But I do not believe in an everlasting torment for our soul. At this point I am not even all that enthused about living in the next "eternal" age if there is even a chance for my continued heartache.... just pfft me out of existence in the fires of Gehenna (Matthew 10:28). What a relief that sounds like to my physically, emotionally, and spiritually broken soul tonight. When I watched Missy break down and envisioned my own daughters pain and suffering after being incarcerated for her brothers weaponized false allegations, my heart has nothing but compassion for her. My release is imminent. Even if these new legislative and administrative changes were to have no effect on my sentence (oh but they are.....) I am walking out of these fences in less time than my last email from her. I cannot wait for that day. I will be walking "out the gate" with tears streaming down my face, shouting "I love you. I love you. I love YOU! I LOVE you. I LOVE YOU!" And the hope for that day keeps me focused on growing into the man God wants me to be, trusting He has a plan, that He'll restore everything that's been broken if I can just walk the pathway He has set in front of me.

Allegation- 15yr Anniversary

It was 15 years ago today (2009) that Myrtha Mikle weaponized a false allegation against me, that a jury acquitted me of 3 years later upon her confession on the witness stand to abetting in filing a false police report, to perjury, and to embezzlement. While I've been incarcerated for the extended weaponization of lies that Tulsa County ADA Sara McAmis and former disgraced and dishonored TPD detective Diana Baumann convinced my prodigal son to agree to, Myrtha was never charged, prosecuted, or held accountable for her initial lies.

Myrtha's lie was the hallmark that provided the sensitive dependence initial condition that turned my life (my wife's, my children's, and my parent's) chaotic. Yet Myrtha has spent the past 4434 days living it up. Why was she not prosecuted? Why did nobody ever pursue civil charges for her liable, slander, and perjury? My wife should have went after her for lost wages and financial support. It seems that Myrtha has avoided all accountability.....but there is still the White Throne of Judgment that she will have to be held accountable at....but that in no way restores my freedom nor reconciles my family today. 15 years is a long time to live with a lie...I don't know how Myrtha does it and still calls herself a Christian.

Manasseh-Ephraim: Truth, Justice and a Better Tomorrow (manassehephraim.blogspot.com)

Happy Birthday

 Happy Birthday dear friend. God bless you and your family.

CR @ JDCC

PTL for the growing Celebrate Recovery® Inside® program at our JDCC campus. This summer two gentlemen from the Southern Hills Celebrate Recovery® in Tulsa began to volunteer on our JDCC campus. We have a small but maturing group of men whom are now almost finished with their first Step Study. We are looking forward to these fist dozen graduates becoming part of our future leadership team as we launch into our next round of Step Studies. I am currently looking for resources to conduct a training day in January so that these new graduates will be more effective Share Group and Step Study discussion leaders, Accountability Partners, Sponsors, and to participate in the other responsibilities of ministry leadership.

Please pray that a trained volunteer will come onto our campus to facilitate a dynamic training day for these young men. We also need $200 to provide materials, a special lunch, snacks, and coffee. If you can be a resource for changing lives, I can be contacted via text or email at robertyerton@Securustech.net

Disillusioned?

 Am I disillusioned?

I want to begin this post by thanking all of you for the generous feedback from my Day #4300 post. It seems that my raw honesty struck a chord with many readers. I was overwhelmed and appreciative of all of the encouraging texts, emails, and notes that you have sent me (PTL for our Securus tablets!). As I pointed out in that blog, despite feeling gaslighted by God, I still hold firmly to my belief and faith in a Sovereign Creator. I trust Them, I am just wholly disappointed in Their timing. I keep missing and regretting the man I think I should have become over the past 4400 days had I not been unjustly held captive. When I think back over these past 12 years I believe that I may have deluded myself by buying into the commonly held prisoner mindset, and my self proclaimed false narrative, that if I allow myself to be "happy" while incarcerated (much different than having the joy of the Lord in my heart or even being contented) that somehow I have given in, have let the system beat me, have finally accepted my fate, or have become institutionalized. I regret that that mindset has often times held me equally as captive as the chain link that surrounds me. Upon reflection for writing this 100 day update, to my great surprise, I realized that I have been, I am, for the most part, happy over the past 18 months. I have chosen to be happy. I have recently been rereading Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty. I first read it last July and incorporated much of what I learned into my Day #4000 post on 8-14-2023. According to the information he conveys, my varna designation is a "Maker". Similarly, on the Myers-Briggs assessment I am equally an ISTJ and an INTJ (1), which is about the same as a Maker. When I turn to scripture I find the gifts that I am called to exercise also align with this varna designation: a. from God = to teach/serve (Romans 12:7) b. from Jesus = to teach/equip (Ephesians 4:11) c. from Holy Spirit = for discernment (1 Corinthians 12:7). Part of my recent revelation of happiness is attributed to me being able to just be me: a maker, an introverted nurturing leader, teacher, mentor, and friend. Like a sunburn you get on the ski slopes on a snowy overcast February weekend, I have resisted happiness for so long, that it took me a while to recognize it when it came back upon me. This new sense of happiness is attributed to having one very strong reciprocal friendship, some solid acquaintances, a strong and healthy body, a fit mind, and being able to operate in my giftedness. Shetty would say that I am operating in my dharma: an intersection of of my passions, skills, usefulness, and compassion. Currently, that describes perfectly what is happening in my life, even though I am incarcerated. I imagine this dharma intersection is where Joseph found himself during his own imprisonment due to the weaponized false allegations of abuse of Potipher's wife. Even Paul seemed to operate in his dharma while incarcerated in Rome. They both found a way to thrive and bless others even while being subjected to unfair prosecutions. It is these same attributes that the writer of Hebrews alludes to in the last half of chapter 10. Life does not have to be as difficult as many people, including most incarcerates, make it out to be. We can all chose to "be best". Everyone has a psychophysical nature which determines where they flourish and thrive. Dharma is using this natural inclination, the things you are good at, your thrive mode, to serve others. You should feel passion when the process is pleasing and your execution is skillful. And the response from others should be positive, showing that your passion has a purpose. This is the magic formula for dharma. PASSION + EXPERTISE + USEFULNESS = DHARMA. Living in your dharma is a certain route to fulfillment, as is living out your Sovereigns' bestowed giftedness.

Being able to create content and curriculum for our CareerTech Career Readiness program over the past twelve months has been very gift fulfilling. Facilitating the daily activities, tutoring, and guiding men through their learning experiences is every bit as rewarding as traditional classroom teaching was. The potential to expand curriculum writing into the carpentry program is a challenge I look forward to tackling. I have begun to learn how to do some computer coding, which has enabled me to create many online testing modules. I thoroughly enjoy using a smart board to teach algebra and calculus skills. I really enjoy helping men who thought that computing fractions, resume writing, and balancing a checkbook were truly beyond their capabilities suddenly realize how easy it is. Introducing financial literacy, communication, and job seeking skills has been very rewarding for them and myself. As a foundational matrix to all of this is an underlayment of cognitive behavioral therapy. In addition, I get to spend time with a really good friend, am supervised by a extremely compassionate, caring, and generous staff member, and I get to assist some residents whom are sincerely looking to transform their lives find a pathway to long lasting success. Emotional responses to the events in our lives that go unchecked often deceive and/or override our logical responses to the circumstances we find ourselves in. Tara Branch wrote that, "as long as we keep attaching our happiness to the external events of our lives, which are ever changing, we will always be left waiting for the illusion of success." Our search for the illusion of success is never for a thing/event, but for the FEELING we think the thing/event will give us. If happiness is feeling good about yourself, having close relationships, and making the world a better place, then by Shetty's definition I qualify as happy. However, I am shifting my focus from happiness onto the satisfaction that comes from living a meaningful life: even while living behind these fences. We can survive, and thrive, during the worst tragedies by looking for meaning, even in the middle of extreme loss. I celebrate how the Sovereign Trio has arranged a way for me to be a useful vessel here and to bless other men as they prepare to be released, find employment, and live on their own. There is satisfaction in seeing each man complete this program and journey out these gates.

Overwhelmingly and without a doubt the worst tragedy of my life, indeed the only tragedy of my life, that I have had to endure is the loss of relationship with my wife and our children. I am still looking for the Sovereign's purpose and meaning in that loss, while not allowing that loss to make me unhappy anymore. Detachment from my children and wife in prison has been the most difficult aspect of my incarceration to accept. Ironically, for the most part, I grew up in a detached home. I was rarely hugged or heard the words "I love you" or "I am proud of you," except by my Granny. I eagerly looked forward every summer, beginning at age thirteen, to leaving home and working Scout camp in Locust Grove. It was very easy to pick up and leave for months at a time. My dad was always the "Scoutmaster", which worked well for us: we understood each other, abided by the same common "Oath" and " 12 Points of Law", and were close on a different level than most fathers and sons. I always felt like I had his respect, his support, and his confidence in my abilities, capabilities, and decision making: this was his expressions of love to all of us boys. He fostered an independent detachment, as well as the capability to be independent, in each of his sons. This form of healthy detachment has worked well to help me survive the tragedy that was/is my incarceration. Unaccustomed to intense feelings of love and devotion, when I first met my life partner, her spiritual/emotional/romantic attachment to me was quick and deep. Mine was slower in coming as I had to learn how to love and be loved so deeply so completely. However, in our natural temperaments, we were/are fiercely independent. When writing our marriage vows we refused any language about leaving and cleaving, obeying, or completing each other. We were not two halves making a whole, we were two wholes complimenting each other and doing life together. Unlike the erroneously misunderstood and oft quoted Genesis 2:24 , we were not "two becoming one", but we were two ones who found each other and made a beautiful life and beautiful children together (TLAM p. 57). In fact, it was my attachments to my wife and my children that were the sources of the greatest pain in my life. Upon my initial incarnation, and for years later, it was my inability, my unwillingness, to let go of those feelings from those loving attachments that almost lead to my complete mental and emotional breakdown. Through a lot of reading, podcasts, discussions with my accountability partners, and prayer I have had to learn that I can still fondly remember, fully love, and enjoy my former life partner and my children from a place of nonattachment and zero interactions. On occasion, however, I do still relapse. When that happens I have to remember to do what Shetty teaches as I continue to SPOT a feeling or an issue, STOP to understand what it is, and SWAP in a new way of thinking. Contemplating this process is why I am recently wondering if I am deluding myself. I am continually reminded at Celebrate Recovery® that external goals cannot fill internal voids: whether those goals are for love, for family, for chocolate, for an orgasm, for caffeine, for drugs, for alcohol, for Twinkies, for Dr. Pepper, for.....anything to get that self soothing neurotransmitter release. Therefore, I am now questioning if I am repeating that same behavior, attaching my current happiness to the external events of my incarceral life, which are ever changing, by developing such a strong friendship and attachment to CMcD as well as classroom teaching: trying to recapture the illusions of the feelings associated with familial/paternal success. So, although I seem to be happy, I still sometimes grieve the me I would have been, should have been, could have been, by now. How can I expect anyone else to accept me the way I am, who I have become, if I keep regretting the man I think I have missed out on becoming over the past twelve years?

Often during the past 4400 days I have deluded myself by regretting the wealth I (we) have missed out on. Given the salaries my wife and I were making, and the potential for raises and promotions, we would have easily exceeded earning over one million dollars over the past 4400 days. However, not all wealth is measured in monetary terms. What wealth have I really missed out on? Time is another form of wealth. Character is wealth. Good conduct is wealth. Spiritual wisdom is wealth. Friendship is wealth. Learning not to judge the moment is wealth. Who you talk to, what you read, what you watch, what you do with your time: all of these sources attract a wealth of values and beliefs. Similar to what Vice President Kamala Harris recently shared about herself, my personal core values have not changed over the past twelve years, but my expressions of my values have grown, matured, been enriched, and expanded while incarcerated. In retrospect, while (we) may have missed out on a million dollars over the past 4400 days, I been enriched and gained a lifetime of wealth in so many other ways. Often in the past 4400 days I have frequently deluded myself by regretting the love I feel I have missed out on, or worse, believing Satan's lies that I am no longer worthy of being loved. But then They remind me that I am not delusional. I have so much to offer somebody, some person, some family, some community, some church, some employer. I refuse to be irrelevant. I refuse to be pushed aside. I am worthy of returning to society, in all of its fullness. I am worthy of a great job. I am worthy of engaging in ministry. I am worthy of great friendships. I am worthy to be a fully embraced father, son, brother, uncle and great uncle. I am worthy of a great relationship with someone whom will love me as deeply as I will love them. I am worthy of being loved now. I am worthy of your love (KBM, M and D, CJP, M and K, potential grandkids, CMcD and fellow incarcerates, potential church family and new unknown future friends). I am worthy of a future potentially new and mutually beneficial, mutually loving relationship. I am worthy of affection, of being held, of emotional and physical closeness. I am worthy of being hugged, touched, and held closely. I am worthy of hugging, touching, and holding someone closely. No, I am not disillusioned! I am just waiting for this part of my life to transition into the next while I continue exploring the paths laid out before me. In the meantime I will continue to embrace the way I am, the man I have become, rather than regretting the man I think I should have, could have, would have become over the past twelve years had my son not lied. So many more adventures await just beyond these concertina wire topped fences. I can't wait to emerge as a new man ready to see what They have in store for me. I will be out soon. There is no disillusion in that! endnotes 1. 16 MBTI Personality Types Descriptions (myersbriggs.org) Inividuals who are ISTJ, or I /introverted, S /sensing, T /thinking, and J /judging, are quite, serious, earn success by thoroughness and dependability. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic, and responsible. Decide logically what should be done and work toward it steadily, regardless of distractions.Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organized--their work, their home, their life. Value traditions and loyalty. Individuals who are INTJ, or I/Introverted, N/intuitive, T/thinking, and J/judging have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, have high standards of competence and performance--for themselves and others.

Parents' Accountability

Proverbs 23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a child. If you punish him with a rod he will not die. Proverbs 28:13-16 A discerning son heeds instruction, but an entitled child disgraces his father. If you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Correct him and save him from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad. Yes, my heart will rejoice when your lips speak what is right. Yet another senseless school shooting has taken place in America, this time in Georgia. In addition to the teenage shooter, Colton Gray, being arrested so was his father, Colin Gray. His father is being held accountable for his son's criminal behavior. Recently, in Michigan, James Crumbly was held responsible and imprisoned for his son Ethan's school shooting. In Texas, Antonios Pagourtzis was charged with his son Dimitrios Pagourtzis' school shooting. This past April in Virginia, school administrator Ebony Parker was held accountable for not intervening when a 6 year old student was terrorizing his classmates and teacher on a daily basis, eventually shooting and killing his teacher, Abigail Zwerner. I agree that parents should be held accountable, to a degree, for their own actions and inactions that directly contribute to their children's criminal behavior, especially if those parents did not take reasonable precautions to protect their own children and/or other children. If find it rather ironic that 15 years ago, on April 21, 2009, the day after my son turned 17, and the day his mother and I discovered that he was breaking the law and totally disrespecting the trust we placed in him, that the Tulsa County Courts ruled in HIS favor when we tried to ensure that he followed the laws for the final year that we were legally responsible for raising him. How disappointing! If the Tulsa County Courts had agreed with us that he needed to shape up rather than molly caudal him, all of our lives may be very different today.  

Our son was such a joy to parent, was compliant, was respectful, was joyful, and was easy to raise right up until the day that he was not (4-21-09). The influence of Kelsey Spears and her introducing him to marijuana and nightly unchecked sexual trysts at 1 a.m. in the morning rapidly overrode and corrupted his upbringing and training. In January of his junior year(2009) he pulled a fire alarm at Union High School causing a 5 alarm response: and despite our insistence that he be held accountable, school administrators and the Fire Chief believed his story of the tripped alarm being an "accident". However, it was not an accident that he repeatedly skipped early morning math tutoring that he was personally being dropped off at the school door for, blowing off his education for additional morning romps with the girlfriend we did not realize he had (she was just the girl across the street: "we're just friends" - boy were we obtuse).  

On the very day we called him on the carpet and were having an alarm system and cameras installed in our home to monitor his unauthorized midnight egresses out his bedroom window, his maternal adopted Grandmother, Annie O'Steen-Henderson, enticed him to "run away" to her home on April 22, 2009 rather than joining us in holding him accountable for his actions and choices. Tulsa County Judges Teresa Drieling and Judy Leitch bought into her "poor old pitiful me" and "they're too restrictive" act and they allowed her to assume guardianship during his senior year of high school. Then, a year later, when the corrupt former TPD detective Diana Baumann convinced him that weaponizing false allegations to bolster her pathetically weak case to support the lies of Myrtha Mikel and Bella Mendoza would be a great way to get revenge on us, he eventually agreed to do so. What if Brandon had decided to be a school shooter his senior year? Whom would have been held responsible? His mother and I? We went to the Courts for intervention and support, but Judge Drieling ruled against us. His guardian/adopted maternal grandmother? She allowed him to almost flunk out of high school. Judge Drieling? She limited our ability to hold him accountable and did not ensure he went to his mandated counseling, drug testing, nor track his academic decline until we called attention to his guardian's lackadaisical attitude and not fulfilling her court ordered duties. In addition, I further find it ironic that principal Parker was held accountable for her inactions, while I was denigrated and lied about by Myrtha Mikle when I intervened and removed a 6 year old terrorist, Jaylynn Hilley, from his classroom as he stabbed students with sharpened pencil and slashed at his teacher, Brooke Rowland, with scissors. Although Myrtha eventually admitted to her lies and a jury acquitted me of her weaponized false allegations, it should never have gotten that far. It's no wonder school administrators are sometimes slow to act when their very proactive actions could cost them their job. When do we, when should we, hold adults accountable for the actions of the children in their charge? How do we treat those under 18 whom are out of control? We read in the Old Testament where David failed to hold his son Amnon responsible for his actions and his entire family suffered. Samuel failed to hold his sons Hophni and Phinehas accountable and his entire family lost their blessing. On the other hand, Job intervened and made sacrifices just in case his sons went off course and still his entire family suffered. Sometimes parenting seems to be a lose-lose proposition. I do not know all of the right answers, but I do know that when parents go in front of a judge and inform the courts that their children have fallen off the rails, they need backup and their grievances should be taken seriously.......if Teresa Drieling had listened to us our lives would be so different today. Proverbs 23:13 and Proverbs 28:13-16 encourages corporal punishment as a form of discipline. I only spanked my son once (my daughter never). We raised them using the Growing Kids God's Way tenants, and they worked well, until we ran into the walls of drugs, sex, and an overly permissive and desperately lonely adopted maternal grandmother. Did we spare the rod? We NEVER NEEDED the rod. Brandon hardly ever acted out or was disrespectful, until he turned 17 and we decided to track his movements and monitor his phone/GPS to curtail his midnight rendezvous and hold him accountable to our expectations. My heart goes out to the families of the recent shooting victims as well as the parents of the shooters. I hope that the Courts holding these parents accountable for their inactions will necessitate a seed change regarding the security of firearms away from children/students. But I also hope that their will be a seed change within the Courts and that parents who need help reigning in their children will receive it.

In Memory of...

 The way of religion is to be known by rituals and rules.

The way of Christ is to be known by love. In memoriam of Justin Davis. Recently, I met the younger brother of a man who was released earlier this year. Noah related the devastating news about the recent overdose and subsequent death of his brother, Justin. It was a shock to those of us who knew him. Prior to his passing, Justin learned Noah was coming to JDCC and had told Noah to seek us (CMcD, Seth, and myself) out because, "Justin said you were a Godly man whom I could talk to and whom had helped him stay sober". What a humbling comment and recommendation. I hope that I am seen by my fellow incarcerates as a man who is known by my love and not for following some archaic, antiquated, and asinine rules and rituals. It is often hard to find the balance in prison between showing the love of Christ and not also being seen as a pushover or someone to be repeatedly taken advantage of (saying no to blessing the same man with a 9th, 19th, or 29th soup when he has made no effort to repay and worse, trades those soups in for a clip). Justin was riding in the same workout car as CMcD, Seth, and myself in all of 2023. He was in his late twenties, strong as an ox, and was earnestly working out his sobriety. His drive and commitment to our workouts as a way to cope with the stresses of incarceration, as a way to counter the urge to relapse, and as a way to be encouraged in his faith walk was absolutely genuine. His physical strength and stamina challenged CMcD and inspired the rest of us in the car to work that much harder. He was a genuine follower of Jesus Christ. He rarely missed a Crossings service on Sunday morning and attended several church services during the week. Previous drug use had destroyed his teeth and the OKDOC had finally pulled his painful rotting stems and prepared him for dentures just prior to his release. He was so looking forward to stepping up and being the son and brother he knew he needed to be. We all really believed he was on the road to success. I can only imagine the stresses and insecurities that accompany being discharged after multiple years of incarceration. Unfortunately, Justin relapsed. I hate it. I hate it for Justin. I hate it for Noah and their mother. I adamantly hate Satan, his demonic minions, evil entities, and unholy spirits that he uses to kill, steal, and destroy us. He hates humanity so much. I find reassurance in knowing that Justin was a professed believer in Jesus Christ, symbolized his faith through baptism, and now has some eternal peace from his childhood hurts and the habits and hang-ups he used to cope with that unresolved pain. I do not know exactly what kind of new creation bodies we get in the new age, but if we are responsible for their upkeep I certainly hope I (we) can catch a workout with Justin. Rest in peace Justin. We will catch up with you on the other side of the veil.

12 Years

So, today marks the twelfth year of my conviction and incarceration........and I am realizing that it just does not bother me as much as it used to anymore. I have made peace with the Sovereign's plans for me, despite how much I hate their plan. Today was just another day of the missional life that I am living.......not the missional life I envisioned or the day-to-day life that I want/ed, but my life nonetheless.

If you have read this blog for any length of time you know the facts. You know the lies. You know how I feel. There is no use to continue to reiterate and berate the facts. No amount of prayer, hope, faith, wishful thinking, positivity, or legal filings have made a difference in exposing the lies/liars and revealing the truth, so I am choosing to just enjoy this day like any other in this life I have been assigned. I slept well and deep last night, like I always do. I am surrounded by angels, so I just completely trust my overnight care to them, as I have done for the past 4384 days, and I am able to sleep with both eyes and both ears closed! I enjoyed my regular 5 a.m. Sunday morning coffee cake and banana. I attended Crossing's Church with my best friend and indulged in a Krispy Kreme donut. I had my hair cut, played nine holes of footgolf with some good guys, and pushed through a strenuous weighted burpee workout with my crew. I found quiet time to finish part one of a new trilogy and begin book two. It was a really good day, for a day in or out of prison. Certainly, I missed my parents, my former spouse, my kids, and my real world friends....as I do every single day...but as you will read in my Day #4400 Reflection in a few weeks, I have made peace with that and I choose to be genuinely happy today! My dear son: I continue to chose to love you my child. You can hurt me when I say I love you, but I will love you anyway(1). I continue to choose to forgive you, and I miss you son. I continue to choose to speak blessings over your life my child. I continue to pray that you will soon choose to stop acting like a Kylo/Absalom and follow the path of the Prodigal. endnote: 1. from A Wrinkle In Time

3800 Days of Silence

 It has been 3800 days today (4-1-14) since I last spoke to my daughter.

Happy Birthday to my Sister in Christ

Happy Birthday to a true sister-in-Christ. I can't wait get to know you better. God bless you for your obedience to His Word as scribed by Matthew (Ch. 25): Jesus said, "I was in prison and you came to visit me.....whatever you did for the incarcerated you did for me......whatever you did not do for the incarcerated you did not do for me." Sending you all my prayers, warm regards, and best birthday wishes.

The Lord Hates 6 Things

There are six things the Lord hates, yea seven that are an abomination to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are swift to run to evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a person who stirs up conflict in her family.

5600 days ago Brandon...

It was 5600 days ago today (4-22-09) that Brandon "ran away" to live with his adopted maternal grandmother.

Happy Birthday Monica!

Happy 27th Birthday to my dear daughter. I miss you so very much. Hopefully we'll be able to celebrate again very soon.

Happy Birthday

 Happy Birthday. Thank you for the many ways you allowed the Lord to bless me!

GLS 2024

Much gratitude to the OKC based Crossing's Church for allowing us to attend this years Global Leadership Conference at one of their sattalite campuses. The theme of this years summit was "Design Your Tomorrow", a fitting topic as I consider what my life will be like as this incarceral experience quickly begins to wind down and conclude. Craig Groeschel began the summit Thursday morning with his usual high energy and exuberance by challenging me to find a WHALE of an obsession: to find my next Whole Hearted All-encompassing Life Endeavor. I have my sights set on a WHALE currently as a curriculum developer and curriculum facilitator in my CareerTech position, and I am enjoying it and finding some fulfillment in it. I need to figure out how to translate this into my own Free Willy experience in less than 1000 days from now as I design my tomorrow. Craig also focused on his concept of a "To Don't List". This may be the single greatest piece of advice I carry away from the summit. Being able to know, set, and enforce my own boundaries will help me remain focused on what is important during the remaining 40 years of my life. Other presenters also had nuggets of information that I found inspirational and useful. Kindra Hall reinforced for me that "my story is not over yet". I carry this reminder on my left wrist every day in the form of an indelibly etched semicolon. She also encouraged me to remember that the most important story I can tell is the story about myself; prompting me to update my personal, and Celebrate Recovery®, testimony. Dan Owolabi reminded me that I am still creating legacy, even from inside these fences, that will impact generations. I have heard this several times from the student residents that I teach at CareerTech as they thank me for my time and patience upon graduating. Having a generational impact is also part of an intentional goal I have for two young boys that I have never met, but whose father I have grown to genuinely love as a true brother-in-Christ, regard as a sometimes surrogate son, and am honored to have a fulltime trusted and valued friend and confidant. Moriah's simple presentation reinforced the message that music has no borders. Music is uniting. Music can transport me away from this place and transcend time and space. Molly Fletcher spoke to one of my personal weaknesses as she reminded me to be more relational and less transactional as I interact with other incarcerates. She said, "Purpose unlocks drive and drive unlocks purpose", and I need to keep the two in balance. Erwin McManus probably had the best presentation of day one, and should have held the key note position. His presentation on The Seven Frequencies of Communication (the Motivator, the Challenger, the Commander, the Healer, the Professor, the Seer, and the Maven) went by much too quickly and he had so much more to unpack in the limited time he was allotted. If any of you readers would like to send/bring me his book to read (soft covers only via mail) I would certainly be appreciative.  

Amy Edmondson advocated to view failures as part of progress in life and that we should learn to thrive as a fallible human beings by taking small risks, setting high standards, resisting perfectionism while setting realistic goals, practicing persistence, and to learn and pivot. Similarly, Carey Lohrenz admonished me to quit underestimating myself and to remember that failure is not the enemy: inaction is. She went on to state that failure is just feedback and to not be afraid of failing: to be afraid of being stagnant. I carry this reminder on my right wrist every day in the form of the indelibly etched Japanese characters Wabi Sabi: a reminder that the well worn, the patinaed, and the scarred still have much to offer the world. A reminder that God not only can bring beauty from ashes, but finds the burning coals, glowing embers, and even the ashes themselves beautiful: flawed beauty.

Michael Jr. asked a question that will have me pondering an answer to for some time: "What if your present conflicts, that come from your past, are preparation for your future. What if your conflicts were the key to your peace." He went on to say that, "Life will bring you people and circumstances to reveal where you are not free yet." After 4362 days of incarceration I still wonder about the answer to these pontifications. I set out to make 2024 the year of trying new things and have found some emotional and spiritual freedom from people, places, ideas, and ideals that have held me in bondage to the past...and have discovered some happiness behind these concertina wire topped fences. The more I learn to walk in love, the more I continue to find freedom from the bondages of "religion." Joni Eareckson Tada's story remains as inspirational as ever, but her presentation fell a little flat. However, her story continually reminds me how little I truly have to complain about, even though I am warehoused behind this barbed wire and separated from those whom I still allow hold small pieces of my heart. Mike Krzyzewski, "Coach K", had a presentation that just didn't keep my interest, probably because I hold sports, overpaid sports players and millionaire coaches in such low regard. He seemed to be very focused on his own accomplishments far too much. Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties, Jo Saxton's presentation was unable to be seen. Arthur C. Brooks admonished us that to be happy one need to limit your focus on your relationships with your faith, your family, your friends, and your finances (where you earn your money). Everything else should take a backseat. Marcus Buckingham reemphasized these ideals by advocating for us to design love into your touch points with employees and customers. I'm still trying to figure out how that translates into the prison setting, not only between incarcerate to incarcerate, but also incarcerate to staff. I have been very blessed to find a few really Christ-like staff members who were authentic in the care, compassions, and concern for me and those feelings were genuinely reciprocal. I'm blessed more than most to have developed a few good friendships as well, as I have develop appropriate touch points behind these austrasized warehouses walls. At the end of day number two Will Guidara spoke on Unreasonable Hospitality. Every time I take a ministry tools assessment I score highest in servant leadership. It is where I thrive. It is what drew me to education. If I am not the presenter I would rather set up or clean up than be an attendee. His simple concrete examples of intentionally finding ways to be a living blessing to people in their moment of need, desire, or whim touched me deeply. He said, "A goal without a strategy is a just a pipe dream," and all it often takes is simple small intentionality to create huge impacts. It reminded me of living beyond the Golden Rule and abiding by the Platinum Rule: to treat others the way THEY want to be treated to be present and embrace people how THEY are, where THEY are, without making them feel shame or guilt. I hope I am growing into that type of disciple. 

During an open microphone reflection time at the end of the summit I shared with the audience my insights about #GLS24. Keying off of Will Guardia's insights, that at his restaurant you will not be shamed or guilted but you will be accepted and served how you are, I invited the group to our fledgling Celebrate Recovery®, expressing that there is hope, health, and healing from their hurts, habits, and hang ups and they will not be shamed or guilted when they attend, but will be accepted and served how they come to the table. I continued by expressing my personal gratitude for servant leaders and how that their ministry of unreasonable hospitality preaches more genuinely and loudly than any over rehearsed five-point sermon delivered void of storytelling, meaning, and emotion.

I then related an observation I witnessed from day one between "Ludlow" and another inmate. Ludlow is an older man who identifies first and foremost as a Christ follower who happens to have deep Native American roots. He was crawling under a table to egress from the "coffee bar" and the other person commented on his age and surprise that he could get that low. I responded that they should come see this man in deep humility bow at the entrance of the prayer tent/sweat lodge every other Friday as he spends time honoring Christ. His is a consistent example of Unreasonable Hospitality. I also singled out "Groover" and the servant team he leads to facilitate Crossing's events at JDCC, commenting that their commitment to this community behind these fences is admirable and inspirational to me. When I am finally freed from this unjust incarceration I hope to be welcomed into a church family that will allow me to exercise some unreasonable hospitality. Beyond the presenters that were so encouraging, I also enjoyed walking across the street with our volunteer chaperones to enjoy Chic-fila for lunch. As I sat in silence savoring every morsel of the beloved simple sandwich, waffled crisps, and decadent chocolate chip cookie my mind wandered to all of those numerous Wednesday evenings meeting up with Mark and Beth and their kids as we shared supper before heading off to the Garnett Church for children's/youth ministry events. Those were such great years in our lives that I will always cherish. I also imagined all of the Tuesday afternoons I spent with Monica sharing fries after picking her up from school during my time out on bond. I'm thankful the Lord allowed us all of those precious times and memories together.  

I am now left to ponder how to implement all of the information I absorbed the past 48 hours. What do I do now, today, that effects my next week, my next month, and my next year as I "Design my Tomorrow".....and is it all for nothing if my pondering and actions do not fall within God's perfect or permissive will? And despite my dreams and planning, how will the humongous disadvantage of being labeled and tracked as a sex offender in an extremely conservative, punitive, and revengeful state like Oklahoma effect whatever dreams and plans I create. I trust my Sovereign with my tomorrows. However, I need to be prepared to remain educated, armed, and able to intelligently advocate for my rights, walking forward into tomorrow in faith and hope that the way I live my life will continue make a difference in the lives of others.  

5400 Days Ago

It was 5400 days ago today (10-21-09) that Myrtha Mikel weaponized a false allegation of abuse that a jury acquitted me of 3 years later.....but the damage was done and her lies have had long lasting consequences.....

55 and Still Alive

Happy 55th Birthday to a true brother. The length of your days is not measured in years, it is measured in experiences. I am so excited to watch the next chapters of your story unfold.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time adversity. ~ Proverbs 17:17

Retirement Congrats

 "Never step into the same river twice you can: each time the river hurries on each time he that steps has changed" ~ Yoda

A person's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand their own way? Proverbs 20:24 Happy "retirement". Now the REAL work begins.

Happy Birthday

Happy 40th Birthday to a true brother-in-orange. Your friendship, and knowing that you have got my back, has helped make this unjust captivity bearable. God bless you.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another~ Proverbs 17:17

Half a decade

It's been 5 years today since I last received mail from my daughter.....my heart continues to grieve the unfathomable pain filled loss.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my dear old Dad. You are truly are one of the finest men I know. I love you. I miss you. Thanks for helping form the foundation of the man I am today. Happy Father's Day to my children. I love you more than anything you could do. You are forgiven and deeply cherished. I look forward to the day that all truth is revealed...even if we have to wait until we stand before The Father in that White Throne room....the truth WILL be revealed.

 

1900

 Only 1900 days left.....at most!....so ready for the next experiences in my life.

4100

 It's been 4100 days today since I last saw my daughter in 2013.

Day 4300

 #4300 / 1905 days left? (1)

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born from adversity. Ecclesiastics 4:9-10     Votively, as I wrote about on day #4200, I am a continually becoming new man. The past 100 days have been very stable, and I dare say, almost enjoyable. In December 2023 I was given the opportunity to reformat our CareerTech Career Readiness curriculum. I jumped at the opportunity to recreate and restructure a class that was engaging, informative, and fun for the men taking it. We immediately began to simultaneously create and teach the new format in January. We are now instructing the third cohort and I feel that we are seeing some measurable increases in student engagement, participation, and achievement scores. This project has been the focus of my past 100 days. What a blessing to be operating in my gift. What a blessing to be validated in a way that allows me to express the God given talents with which I have been bestowed. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to speak into the lives and futures of these men for their betterment. Subsequently, I am thankful to be able to influence the types of men whom move into our unit and dorm, potentially being my neighbor.     All around me over the past 100 days I have witnessed the most beautiful spring emerge. The woodsy area surrounding our compound reminds me so much of the many summers that I spent working at Camp Garland in Locust Grove and the hundreds of camp outs with my dad. Green country has truly lived up to its name. I am so thankful for the grasses, trees, flowers, birds, and insect life around me. I enjoy my workouts and runs each day as I look out over the woods and verdant fields. I am both drained and energized, at the same time, as I run my 5Ks and do my exhaustive workouts each day. We also witnessed a remarkable solar eclipse this spring. Standing outside and watching the sun go dark was quite a humbling experience. Standing in the eerie shadow of the moon, as it blocked the sun's light, held a lot of symbolism. One of my daily morning prayers is not to be two faced(2): that "as the moon reflects the sun that hangs in the sky, that I will reflect the Son that hangs on the cross in my character, my conduct, and my conversation". However, recently, I have often felt that there is something currently blocking some of that Son's light in my life. In Luke 22 King Jesus informs Peter that Satan has asked to sift him (Peter) as wheat, but that He (Jesus) had prayed for him, that his faith would not fail. This word "fail" means "to be eclipsed" (3). Over the past 100 days, I feel that my faith is being eclipsed at times.     Lately, I have the feeling of being gaslighted by God. Incarceration was not the destiny I had envisioned for myself while growing up in a Christian home, nor as the benefactor of a multigenerational faith. Being incarcerated for 4300 days is not the "Thy will be done" for my life that I want, nor that I signed up for. If I had known as a child and teenager the "His will", " His plan", "His path" for my life was a 17 year incarceration I would have made different choices growing up. I would have had more fun. I would have taken more risks. I would have been less rigid, stoic, and scared of burning in a non-existstant hell of eternal fire and brimstone for the human soul that I was falsely taught about. I would have judged less and experimented more. As time passes and my Father filtered imprisonment, and the accompanying feelings of rejection and abandonment continue, I feel more distance from a living, caring, Creator God. I feel more judged and less loved, less cherished, less close to Him. But feelings are not facts, and eclipses do not last forever.

    I am continually becoming a new man, a new son, a new father, and a new friend. The past 100 days have been transformative as I have loosened the nail biting strangle hold I had on my faith, hope, and trust for God to actually expose lies and liars and to relieve my sentence/incarceration. Unfortunately, I am still equating God with my wounds. You read that correctly! I still believe in an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent Creator God, but I continue to feel gaslighted by His plan, whatever His plan is. I am not at all happy with Him for continuing to choose to allow these insane lies to keep me incarcerated. So, I have just adopted a stable mindset that I will live here, in Taft, Oklahoma for the next 1905 (or less) days and have settled in to that decision. With that decision made, with that new expectation that God has chosen not to expose the lies and liars in the way He promises (on the timetable I want), I have had to adopt and adapt to the new reality of JDCC being my temporary long-term place of residence for the duration of my captivity. That decision means I have been more purposeful in reaching out to those around me and establishing new acquaintanceships. It means I have invested heavily in developing one new close friendship: a true brother. I have made myself open to playing board games and card games just to keep me in the mix. I have spent time listening to people and stories that I really do not give two licks about just to stay engaged. I have dragged myself to group workouts when I really just wanted to go for an unaccompanied run or set on my rack and read a book. Becoming a new man demands a lot of intentionality.     Day to day life over the past 100 days has been very low key and routine. While I am not " lonely " or alone anymore, like so many of us were during the Covid pandemic, I find myself wanting something even deeper in my friendships. I miss being loved, held, and cherished by actual people, and by my Creator. That is the true punishment of being imprisoned: the severing of relationships, love, and human touch. I feel such resentment towards God at times for allowing Brandon's lies to continue to not be exposed, for my daughter's abandonment (where is my Father's Day card this month?), for the MAGA sham, for the war in Ukrainian, for the Hama's attacks, for Hitler and the atrocities committed at Auschwitz(4).... how are these actions/inactions indicative of His love for His creation? While not feeling judged for my outlook, I do pray that the Lord save me from my own thoughts. Scarily, at times, I imagine a conversation with the Fallen One who entices me to pursue my "feelings" and to be angry, resentful, etc. There is an imaginary conversation that I find myself engaged in with Satan where he taunts that "if I will just allow him to eclipse God's path, plan, and will for me that he can arrange for my quick release." I often have to rebuke those thoughts, knowing that I could easily be swayed and persuaded by them. But feelings are not facts, and eclipses do not last forever, so I endure.     Aggrieviously, I realize some of those last few statements sound shocking and confusing. They are shocking and confusing to me too when they cross my mind! I feel like Peter being sifted and unaware of what he is saying/thinking/feeling until the crowing cock snapped him out of his desperately sad and sorry state. I find my Creator God and his actions, or lack of actions, shocking, confusing, and appalling. I just do not understand why I still believe in, and have faith in, a Sovereign that currently allows the destruction, murder, and rape of Ukraine and Israel. I just do not understand why I still believe in, and have faith in, a Sovereign that allows such vile, degrading, and divisive hate speech from the orange menace and other dictators when a modern day Jael would result in a lot of national healing: but I do. And I do not always understand why I do(5).

    Thankfully, on a much more positive note, for the first time since leaving Crabtree, and since the Covid pandemic, I feel truly contented in my incarceral life (6). I credit this sense of contentment with being able to exercise my gifts/talents and finally having a truly authentic friendship. Probably one of the most significant friendships of my life. A friendship that rivals the ones I enjoyed with Kimberly prior to our marriage, with Mark, with Beth, or even those strong acquaintances I had developed in my preincarceral life with men from scouts and church, with Joyce, Stephanie, LaToya and the other educators at work, or those very few fellow incarcerates I confided in at Crabtree. What is so unique about this friendship is our commitment to honesty, our unabashed deference to asking each other the hard questions, and our mutual admiration of each other's gifts and talents. We have grown spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically close(7). I liken it to BJ and Hawkeye, Joey and Chandler or Pony Boy and Johnny (#Outsiders). We have divulged our deepest secrets, beliefs, and thoughts to one another beliefs and thoughts I had never openly discussed with Mark and had just barely skirted around with Kimberly. We engage in political and spiritual debate without becoming angry and often find consensus, or at least enlightenment that we did not have beforehand. We are our own two person bookclub. And despite our depth of sharing, we did not repel one another. That is a risky thing to do if you are an incarcerate with my charges more so for him than for me. This kind of honesty is rare to find outside of prison, and can be dangerous to engage in inside of prison. However, our depth of sharing had just the opposite effect. It drew us closer together. We have figuratively and literally stripped the masks off of each other....and the resulting validation in the face of such vulnerability has been one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given. Unfortunately, or maybe most fortunately, this authenticity has also exposed some of my own unacknowledged weaknesses, prejudices, and judgementalism causing me to take another deep introspective look at my core faith beliefs(8).     I have only been this confidentially close to a few other people in my life. One abandoned me a few years ago due to her own reoccurring mental health issues and stress over my imprisonment due to our son's weaponized false allegations. I had not planned to be so open with someone else until my incarceration was over, envisioning a second chance at connection like Grandpa Ira and Grandma Maggie enjoyed in their late fifties. But, for whatever reason, he and I just hit it off. Our comradery, our conversations, and our compassion for each others circumstances solidified what I anticipate being a lifelong friendship and commitment to each other. In the Bible we read that King David and Johnathon had a friendship that I have read described as an "unbroken marriage of the souls.(9)" David and Johnathan shared a deep mutual affection (1 Samuel 20:41), and even made vows of commitment to each other (vv. 8-17, 42). Their friendship was marked by radical loyalty (19:1-2 30-31) Johnathon even sacrificing his right to the throne so David could become king (20:30-31 23:15-18). When Johnathon died, David lamented that Johnathon's love to him had been "more wonderful than that of women"(10) (2 Samuel 1:26). That is a Biblical definition and standard of a close abiding friendship.

    One would think that being in your mid fifties that close relationships with non relatives would not be that important however, according to Jon Tyson in The Shadows Over Men's Hearts close relationships with other men are critical. What I do appreciate about our association, its ebb and its flow, is how validating it is. I made myself 100% vulnerable to another person. This is uncommon for men to do in the real world, and almost unheard of and dangerous to do inside of prison. I exposed my insecurities and the most emotionally vulnerable/sensitive parts of myself to him: figuratively and literally. I exposed the most emotional and physically insecure parts of myself to him.....and he validated me. I have not felt like that since being ripped away from my wife and former life. He is infinitely smarter than I am, but he does not make me feel inferior for what I do not know. He is much younger and much stronger than I am, but affirms my age and wisdom. He does not tease my because of my dad-bod, graying hair, love handles, or the fact that after 50 burpees I have to use my knees to get to 100. Because we have shared so much and we interact almost all day, everyday, he validates me in ways that Kimberly did not and my best friend would not have known to do. He acknowledges my existence and definitely validates my personal growth in ways that OKDOC does not care to do.     Notably, I have written a lot about creating/building/maintaining this friendship over the past 100 days. That is because true authentic friendships require work. I love how the series The Chosen portrays the building of the friendships between the disciples themselves and the disciples with Christ. The Bible tells us that a friend loves at all times, and that a brother is born for adversity (Proverbs 17:17). Those brothers born for, or out of, adversity also keep us prepared for whatever the future holds. The Word further proclaims that as iron sharpens, so one person sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17). If you are reading this and need a friend, or are struggling with a hurt, habit, or hang-up (to include the desperate pain that accompanies loneliness) I encourage you to become involved in a Celebrate Recovery® ministry and begin working on your moral inventory. I encourage you to develope a new friendship like I have been blessed with: a friend whom you can take your masks off in front of a friend whom will speak truth to power, has got your back, can save you from yourself, and can help you become a new man. In Rick Warrens book A Purpose Driven Life (11) he says that revealing your struggles to a godly friend is a part of the path towards healing, that you need at least one person you can honestly share your struggles with. The Bible says that, "You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone..... if you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are in trouble." I have found that it has always taken a friend, old friends and new, to help me on my continuing journey into perpetually becoming the new man I am called to be while simultaneously validating the man I am. Endnotes: 1. On 5/30 the Oklahoma Legislature finally passed SB 1792 establishing a statewide sentencing matrix. The statute I am sentenced under is now a 75% crime, which will result in a significant time cut. I may just have 1600 days left on my sentence!

2. 663423=No Dice read Day #300 Proverbs 16:33 People may roll the dice to make a decision, but the Lord determines what happens.

3. Eclipsed = Strong's Greek #4617

4. I recently read The Tattooist of Auschwitz and seethe at how God allowed, allows, such cruelty to continue in His world, towards His chosen people.

5. I would like to engage in our little church community more, to bolster my faith, but it is a bastion of political gamesmanship. The "inmate led church leadership" is hypocritical, self-serving, and dogmatic. They only care about their own little Saturday night service and their self appointed and self approved acolytes. They do not consider the native community (or those spending prayer time in a sweat lodge) as real Christians. They discourage attendance at our Sunday morning Crossings Church service, because "it is all about the donuts" (not very seeker sensitive!). I am definitely a well-educated and outspoken outsider who does not feel welcomed by them or welcomed into their chapel. I have no need to be validated by them nor to drink their Koolaide. 6. What is there not to feel contented about? I never have to worry about when or where my next meal is coming from. I eat well (well, I eat OK) three times a day. I have plenty of the cleanest water in the world to drink and hot water to bathe in. I have daily laundry service. I have a job I enjoy (I would love to be paid for it on the outside). I sleep and dream well. I workout and run. I play games. I enjoy TV and books. I actually find myself laughing. It is an easy lifestyle. So why should I so desperately want to be released? Because I have no family to go home to each day. I have no spouse and children or "blood" to go home to each night. I have nobody to hug, to kiss, to scratch my back, to manicure my hands, to cook for, or to lay beside at night. I am locked away behind rows of fencing and concertina wire because I am labeled by the State of Oklahoma as such a horrible reprobate. I cannot vote for the people whom are supposed to represent my voice at the Capitol. 7. We eventually began working out together, along with a few partners of his. After being so very lonely during the Covid years and the Crabtree to Cushing to Lawton to Granite to Dunn moves I was so grateful for the acceptance and the opportunity to work out with other guys. Over the spring and summer of 2023 we grew tighter. We continued to confide our hurts, habits, and hang-ups to one another. We quickly became a support system for each other. Mostly he would talk. I would listen. I began to think of him as a son or nephew. We worked out every day. We challenged each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He credited me with encouraging him in his sobriety and in completing college.

Unfortunately, as the summer of 2023 bore on, the dreadful heat in the unairconditioned Unit B, as well as the persistent second hand cigarette, duece, marijuana, and meth smoke was becoming unbearable. I took a job in CareerTech, which allowed me to move to Unit D where there was rip roaring cold AC and no smoking on the pods. I moved on August 1st. It was a very difficult decision, and made me quite sad to put distance in this burgeoning friendship, but I needed to get away from the meth, deuce, and tobacco smoke, as well as the oppressive heat more than my desire to be around him. We continued to make efforts to stay in contact. I would meet him in the library each morning and give him my CareerTech coffee allotment, we would set together at church, took a fatherhood class together, met to play Scrabble, and occasionally wrote notes to keep in touch. All summer and all fall we kept dogging the CareerTech faculty as he pursued an orderly job so that he could move to Unit D as well.

Eventually, in early December, he got the job and moved to Unit D. Our friendship quickly ramped back up and even got stronger as we worked together each day, worked out every day, and played Scrabble. He was such a pleasure to be around, especially now that he was sober.

8. Once again I have totally #deconstructed my faith walk even more than I thought I had deconstructed it before. I have boiled Jesus and His teachings down to one truism: love. Jesus is love. Jesus preached love. Jesus exhibited love. New Testament love overrides all of the Old Testament horror stories of God using/allowing/encouraging/permitting rape, fratricide, abortion (Numbers 5), genocide, and His seeming ambivalence towards those whom did not descend from Jacob/Israel. Once I let the concept of loving God and loving others be my north star, I was able to just relax and let God flow unfiltered through me. Once you mentor, minister, and disciple from a view point of love, you can reach more people because love enables you to see past your own nature/nurture driven prejudices, judgementalism, and condemnations. Love allows you to pray from inside a sweat lodge. Love allows you to see past masks to the hurting person underneath. Love allows you to be more compassionate and less judgemental. Love puts country before party. Love is borderless. Love seeks truth over getting your own way. Love allows me to forgive the prodigal who used weaponized lies against me for his own selfish means. I still stay "on alert" so as to not be taken advantage of, this is prison after all, but when I see my fellow incarcerates through Jesus' eyes I can look past their addictions, LGBTQIA+ status, immigration status, language barriers, uniforms, criminality, or mental health issues to see their humanity and understand that they are in just as much pain as I am. I just happen to be able to acknowledge my own pain and have acquired the tools to work passed it. I wish the MAGA enchanted and grifted "evangelicals" could return to just living out of an abundance of love and less holier-than-thou nationalism that continues to tear our country apart. 9. A partial quote by Johnathan Finch written in 1860 upon the death of his close 36 year long friendship with Thoma Baines. 10. In a society where gender, gender identity, sex, sexuality, sexual expression, LGBTIA+ rights, etc. becomes quickly ensnared by partisan politics, David's feeling for his best friend and his quote from 2nd Samuel are very difficult to put into context. In a time where the MAGA adhearants and the conservative right want to judge where a person is on a spectrum, I wonder how they feel when Jesus welcomed his friends to lean in against his bosom (John 13:23-25). The affection, loyalty, and commitment King Jesus exemplified for us should be the basis of the deep friendships we should build together. 11. Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For day #27