Living through the Night

You must learn to live through the night, not battle with it- Unknown

Another 100 days of being a falsely accused and unjustly incarcerated prisoner of hope (Zec 9:12); 2 Kings 2:25-27; Eph 5:8-20). The Lord has been faithful to bring restoration from the previous 100 days (#2100 3/21/18-6/1/18) as He has returned me to preferred housing, exposed the “rumor weeds” (Ps 94:18-22), and instructed me to return to school. Like Much-Afraid, He has given me hinds feet (Hab 3:19) so that I am able to do the future work that He has called me to do.

Over the past 100 days I have had to fight with intentionality to not fall into despair, not to let depression have a stronghold, to come out of the dark places, and to discover the blessings in the events of last spring. Everything, every event, in a believer’s life is Father filtered, even when it is hard to see it, or to understand why it happens. Senator John McCain, who passed away last month, expresses best my thoughts in his autobiography Restless Wave. McCain says, “what an ingrate I would be to curse the fate that concludes the blest life I’ve led. I prefer to give hanks for those blessings, and my love to the people who have blessed me with theirs.”

What an ingrate I would be to curse the Father filtered events (Rm 8:28-29) that in carceral circumstances of the blessed life I’ve led. Paul understood this in writing to the Corinthians about his thorn in the flesh (2 Cor 12). Those of us who say the Serenity Prayer understand this as well when we ask God to grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change (a fatalistic view), the courage to change the things we can (an activist view), and the wisdom to know the difference (a contemplative view).

Paul knew that life, even the life of the faithful disciple of Christ, would bring with it difficulties, depression, and darkness; and that consequently some measure of well being must come from an acceptance without unnecessary complaint or struggle of the unwelcome inevitability (2 Cor 1:8-9). Paul knew that in the beginning God made the sun and the moon, light and dark, day and night (Col 1:15-17). You must learn to live through the night, not to battle with it. Micah 7:88 was a mantra of mine during the past 100 days, “Do not gloat over me my enemy. Though I have fallen, I rise. Through I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.”

I recently was able to view the movie Unbroken, about Louie Zamparini’s time as a POW in Japan at the end of WWII. Watching this film deeply moved me, and I am certain that it will provide some much-needed motivation over the next 100 days. Several quotes have permanently made their way into my daily recitations: “If you can take it, you can make it”, “A moment of pain is worth a lifetime of glory”, “We beat them by making it to the end of the war alive”, and “Nothing is hopeless. If you keep your head and your heart you can do anything.”

While suffering as a POW makes my unjust incarceration seem like a vacation, there are many emotional, mental and spiritual similarities. In the September 2018 Sign of the Times magazine, an article titled “The Waiting Game” described Vice Admiral Jim Stockdale’s 7 years of confinement as a POW. When asked how he dealt with not knowing the future, Stockdale said, “I never lost faith in the end of the story…I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining moment of my life.”

When asked who didn’t make it out [of the Hanoi Hilton POW Camp] Stockdale said that was “the Optimist. They were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.” He went on to say, “This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.”

When Louie Zamparini was confronted by his nemesis’ admonition to “resign to your fate” he never did; at least not in the way Wantanabi meant him to. It seems paradoxical, but you must be an optimist and a pessimist, a fatalist, and activist and a realist all at the same time. This is what Mrs. Mead meant when she says, “Dear God, I hate you, love Margaret.” John the Baptist understood this while he sat in prison and cried out to his cousin, Jesus, for answers (Mt 11:2). Paul understood this while still a prisoner in Rome, yet he said, “I know whom I have believed in, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him with.” (2 Tim 1:12)

Everything that happens in a believer’s life is Father-filtered. God never wastes anything: not any despair, depression, or darkness. He would not give us abilities, interests, talents, gifts, personality and life experiences unless he intended us to use them for His, and our glory (Purpose Driven Life, Day #30). After his time as a POW John McCain had 4 children and a successful career as a senator for Arizona. He said, “I don’t have a complaint. Not one. It’s been quite a ride. I’ve known great passion, seen amazing wonders, fought in a war, and helped make peace. I made a small place for myself in the story of America and the history of my times.

Jim Stocdale dedicated his life to service to POWs, was president of the Citadel, and ran for Vice-President of the United States in 1992. Louie Zamparini eventually had 2 children and became an evangelist after an encounter with Billy Graham. People often called him an optimist, and he would respond, “Am I an optimist? An optimist says the glass if ½ full. A pessimist says the glass is ½ empty. A survivalist is practical. He says, “Call it what you want, but just fill the glass. I believe in filling the glass.”

Out of my own depression, despair, and darkness last spring God called me to go back to school so that when I emerge from my prison, I am better equipped to help other people find hope, health, and healing from life’s hurts, habits, and hang-ups. “not only did God shape me before my birth, he planned everyday of my life, [even my incarceration] to support his shaping process.” David continues, “Every day of my life has been recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” (Ps 139:16) (Purpose Driven Life, Day #30). (will prevail in the end. My story is not over yet! (Day #1800) This experience will be the defining moment of the next half of my life. Like McCain, Stockdale, and Zamparini I will emerge from this prison experience stronger, more confident, and ready to use my hind feet in service to my Lord, and to others. As I play ut my Father’s filtered fate to be trained in the “wisdom to know the difference’ I resolve to live through the night not battle against it; to never forget in the light what I learned in the darkness. To fill my glass with His light and let it lead me into my new future. (Ps 119:105)

How Long is Forever? Sometimes just one second

 The previous day 100’s updates have been rather benign, as life in prison had been rather routine and quiet.  The immediate past 100 days however have contained within them days, seconds, that have been the most physically, emotionally, and spiritually bruising of my life:

2/21 #2000 – We win by saving what we love, not destroying what we hate.

2/27 #2006 – 5 years at JCCC Helena, OK

2/28 #2007 – Misconduct, loss of canteen job and preferred Unit 6 Housing

3/4 #2011 – Visit from Mark and Kristi

3/23 #2030 – 5 years since I last saw my daughter

-          Okla. Northern Dist. Appeal DENIED

4/1 #2039 – Easter virus

4/5 #2043 – Snitch rumor began

4/12 #2150 – Moved units again

4/13 #2151 – Assaulted, TV and fan stolen

4/20 #2058 – Son turns 26

4/22 #2060 – (2009)- 9 years since son “ran away”

4/28 #2066 – Extortion attempt

-          (2010) 8 years since warrant

4/29 #2067 – Visit turns things around

4/30 #2068 – Motion to vacate and for an EnBanc hearing filed

5/5 #2073 – (2010) 8 years since arrest

5/8 #2076 – Mailed 10^th Circuit Appeal

5/14 #2082 – Email from daughter

5/15 #2083 – 3,000,000^th minute in prison

-          (1985) 33^rd Spiritual Birthday

-         5^th Commutation denied

5/22  #2090 – 6^th Commutation filed

5/23 #2091 - Applied to Northwestern State University: Substance Abuse Degree Program

              Some of these days, especially their forever seconds, left more bruises than the days of confusion when I was first arrested, the months leading up to my trial, the trial itself, or even my first weeks of prison.  My deepest struggle has been the recent mental challenges that I have had to endure: coming face to face, once again, with dark depression; peace stealing panic attacks; crippling anxiety; paralyzing paranoia; and mind-bending spirits who prompted thoughts of self-harm as a way to escape the shrieking emotional pain, as well as an unknown future.  10,000 or so forever seconds that left my soul battered, beaten, and bruised.

              On 2/26, I completed my 5^th full year of living at the James Crabtree Correctional Center. On 2/27, day #2007, I was the recipient of some retaliatory behavior from the staff due to a disagreement between staff members.  To prove a point, the supervising member orchestrated my receiving a “misconduct”, which resulted in me losing my coveted canteen job and my preferred housing status. I was moved into a rowdy and danger filled unit where Satan had a strongly held, established foothold. However, I determined in my spirit to survive this move. (see also similar day #1523) I was struggling to keep my peace, but was able to withstand, through the power of the Holy Spirit, this newest attack.

              Just as I was overcoming, a month later, on 3/30 (day #2030) I learned that on 3/23, after 3 years and 3 days that appeal to the Oklahoma Northern Federal District Court was denied.  While I always knew that I was probably bound for the “higher” 10^th Circuit Court in Denver, I had retained some measure of hope that at this level, after a three-year wait, that the Lord would expose the lies and liars (my son and the ADA’s), reveal the truth, and see to my exoneration.  To read of Judge Frizzell’s outright denial was so devastatingly defeating. It took all of the wind out of my sails. It felt like a mule kick to the chest.  I immediately felt all of the weight of the previous 2037 days of misplaced hope come crashing down upon me; like 2037 days of broken dreams exploding all at once, and each one of those shards impaling me to the core.  Like McKenzie, I just wanted to cry myself into a permanent sleep, as darkness had become my best friend (Psalms 88:18).

              That news sent me on a dark pathway of unbearable grief. Thoughts that I had been keeping at bay suddenly, all at once, flooded my sole: my mind, my will, and my emotions. Suddenly, I accepted that my parents may never see me freed and exonerated on this side of eternity. Suddenly, I realized that my daughter may marry and have her own family without any involvement with me. Suddenly, I knew that I may be in prison until 2028. I may be hindered from having a relationship with my own grandchildren, and that crippled me.

              As I was reinforcing my soul with God’s Word and His Holy Spirit to deal with these two issues, and I was regaining a modicum of peace, on 4/5 a vitriolic rumor was started that I had “dry snitched”. In prison, the label of a “snitch” can be a literal death sentence: “snitches get stitches” is not just a cute tv crime drama quip. These were some of the sharpest words used to cut me down. On 4/12 things got so bad that I was forced to move to yet another unit for my sanity, and for my safety.

              Of course, the snitch label followed me. On the new unit I was verbally and physically assaulted. On 4/13, when I was outside, my TV and fan were stolen. I was told to move again, for my safety, but this time (after receiving no help from staff) I stood upon the Word (Ps 91:9-11) and I stood my ground. Two moves in 6 weeks was enough. However, I became very paranoid about further acts of retribution.

              Dealing with paranoia was a new experience for me. When the “snitch” rumor first took hold I thought that everyone, everywhere was talking about me. For a while they probably were. As Puddin’ Head Wilson posits, “one of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie, is that a cat only has 9 lives.” This lie once exposed to the yard spread quickly. However, it was easily deposed of once the people who knew me began to vouch for me and come to my defense. Although, for 24 hours or so, I was the topic of the day, for the next 2-4 days I had to continually speak against feeling forever seconds of paranoia as the rumor died, revived, died, revived and died again. I hadn’t even felt this way in Tulsa while waiting for my trial (even though Fox 23 seemed to do the DA’s fishing for weeks on end). Always looking over your shoulder, wondering if each whispered conversation is about you, and trying to interpret every stare and glance is an exhausting way to live.

              These three events: losing my job/preferred housing, the denial of my appeal, and being labeled a snitch (dry or otherwise) all contributed to a brief but very real battle with mental instability, heightened anxiety, and petrifying panic attacks. While these periods of instability, anxiety, and panic only lasted for a few seconds at a time, as the White Rabbit told Alice, “Sometimes forever is only a second.” I now have an important insight into what so many people have to deal with on a daily basis as thy have to live a lifetime with mental health issues.

              In the middle of each of these three separate, but compounding issues, the Holy Spirit kept reminding me just to trust: that trust was going to be the key to victory. To combat the unholy voices in each of these battles I had to keep sending out ever increasing “waves of trust to drown them out”. In the wake of these high stress events, other Satan induced occurrences were happening, or it was their anniversary date: (4/1) on Easter I had a bout with stomach virus that found me defecating on myself as I lay passed out on the urine-soaked floor next to a toilet; 5/6) a cherished great-uncle died; (5/14) my 5^th commutation was rejected; (5/15) I served my 3,000,000^th minute in prison.

              In praying for strength and guidance the Lord directed me to review Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind, and several other books, to strengthen my armor.  Joyce reminded me of James, who admonishes Do Not Be Two-Faced (Psalms 119:113) Being in the Word strengthened my resolve.  The books reminded me that I was not alone, nor was I the only one to experience such intense suffering.  I reviewed my Celebrate Recovery principles over and over, helping provide direction to lasting relief and not relapsing.

              My breakthrough to victory came on 4/29, day 2061, when my best friends came for an unannounced emergency visit to minister to me (Matthew 25:43) During that visit I was able to confess some of the dark thoughts that I was fighting, and to finally release a deeply held, grievous cry. As I shared my struggles, I could feel a renewed strength returning to me.

              There was something spiritual about being able to sit in front of my friends and cry. No judgement. No apologies. With empathetic tears shed by them as well. In Meeting God at the Shack, John Mark Hicks says that tears are wonderful healers: they are divine gifts. Biochemically, tears of grief release chemicals that have accumulated in stress.  These tears have a different chemical composition than other kinds of tears.  Grief tears release physiological, psychological and spiritual toxicity. They are God’s gift to process the hurt of a painful world. Tears are part of healing and God collects them (Psalms 56:8). Those who live through tears will reap the joy of healing (Psalms 126:6) (p.55-56)

              Within a week of their visit I filed my Federal Appeal in the 10^th Circuit (finally, after a 3 year and 3 day delay), I received an encouraging email from my daughter, and I determined to follow the year old prompting to enroll in college (trusting God for the financing I enrolled in Northwestern State University’s Substance Abuse Recovery degree program).

              Sending out wave after wave of trust, standing on the Word, and the personal ministry of friends surely were the keys to surviving these forever seconds over the past 100 days. I am prayerfully expecting a return to a much more peace filled 100 days through September. I am claiming strength and bravery as I continue this journey of forever seconds.

This song has helped a lot too……….

              I am brave

              I am bruised

              This is who I am meant to be

              When the sharpest words want to cut me down

              I am going to send a wave to drown them out

              I am brave

              I am strong

              This is me

                            ~from The Greatest Showman

RIP Larry Layman

Larry Layman was my great uncle by marriage to Dorothy Dean Yerton-Layman. Larry was an incredibly kind, considerate, intelligent, and spirit filled man. In the 2½ years between my accusation and trial Larry and Cecil Kusler provided me an opportunity to work and earns living so that I could provide for my family. He helped me maintain my masculinity, sanity, and self worth while my world collapsed, my integrity was called into question, and some people turned their back on me. There is just so much more I could say, but Thank You Larry

RIP Marvin Phillips

Marvin has been so kind to me since my false accusation and my incarceration. Almost 2 decades ago Marvin encouraged me to pursue ministry and because of that encouragement my life became fuller and richer. He has been one of the fees people to consistently reach out to me with frequent correspondence and encouragement while in prison. I will miss his letters.

Day 2000

“That’s how we are going to win, not by fighting what we
hate, but saving what we love.”
- Rose Tico

Another 100 days of being a falsely accused and unjustly
convicted man has passed. 2017 has come and gone. The
hardest and lonliest 100 day period of the year is behind me;
Thanksgiving, my 49 th birthday, Christmas, New Years, and
the release of the newest Star Wars movie.
Our yard has been relatively quiet and cal. The colder
weather has kept most people inside their units. However
an inmate did die after complications from being and
socked by his OCI coworker, and medical needs being left
unchecked.
My federal Appeal is 1069 days old (one month short of 3
years). I continue to try to be purposefully hope filled and
positive. As I contemplated what to relate about the past
100 days, the events and circumstances that were the most
impactful, it is the quote from Rose Tico that has stuck with
me and consumed my thoughts. I am in a battle for my
future. A battle for justice. A battle for truth. A battle for
my physical freedom. A battle for my mental emotional, and
Spiritual victory. A Battle to save what, and whom, I love.
The battle I fight now is not one of just my own victory, but
for the victory of my lost prodigal Kylo.
On 4-22- 18 it will be 9 years since he ventured to the dark
side, choosing to accept material gain and power, in
exchange for his grandmother’s love, affection, and
protection. All he had to agree to do was be deceptive and
stick to her plan in order to be well taken care of (Gen. 27:1-
29) prior to an inheritance coming due (Luke 15:11).

My Federal Appeal is ready to be answered. The result will
be my exoneration (Malachi 3:5). It will be the end of my
physical incarceration (2 kings 25:27-29). It will also signal
the start of a civil court battle. It will be at that time that
my prodigal Absolom’s deception will become clear and his
complicity with the lies of his grandmother and the Tulsa
County District Attorney’s office will become evident to
everyone (Ps. 94:20-22, Prov.28:15;25:5).
While I relish exposing the lies and liars, I love my son and
do not wish to see him become the scape goat (Lev. 16) for
Annie Henderson, Jake Cain, Sara McCamis, Amanda Self,
and Tim Harris. However, there is
Nothing that I can do to help him realize how he has been
used by the DA’s office to betray his Father (Pr. 17:15, 23,
25;18:5) in order to feed his own selfish desire for power,
position, and prestige (2 Sam 15, Luke 15:13).
What I can do though is to continue to prepare myself to win
him back to the cause of Christ, not by fighting what I hate,
but saving whom I love: turning him from the darkness back
to the light (Eph5:8).
There are several notable Biblical figures whom choose to
win through love, not destroying through hate.
David, whose suffering I identify with because of a lying and
deceitful prodigal, petitioned for Absolom’s safety as he was
being brought to justice. He apparently wanted his son to
have an opportunity to return to be restored to his family
(2Sam 18:15).
Esau, upon hearing about his trickster brother’s prodigal
return, choose to win him over through love and forgiveness
(Gen. 32:16, 33:4).
Joseph extended grace and mercy to his jealous and
betraying brothers by allowing his love for God, and his
desire for a unified and restored family, to become a priority
over any hate he may have harbored at one time (Gen.
50:20;45,11).
Jesus even exemplified his desire to have victory over
Satan, not by fighting what was hated, but by saving what
was loved. He chastised his false accusers and reminded
everyone concerned that he was not leading a rebellion to
win the battle, but through loving us enough to save us
(Mt.26:55, Mrk 14:48, Luke 22:22, John 18:10).
While Rose was wise enough to intervene and save Finn for
some greater, yet unknown, purpose, Jesus’ companions
were stopped from saving him, allowing him to make the
ultimate sacrifice. Paul eventually understood what Rose
knew to be true. In Ephesians Paul calls us to come out of
the darkness and into the light, to be a child of light using
our Holy Force inspired gifts to win over others (4:8, 32). I
can relate to Paul’s discourse as my mind envisions Luke
and Rey’s discussions on Ahch-To.
I know that my exoneration is impending. I know that, like
Rey, the truth I am seeking will soon be known to all. Like
Rey, I do not want to see my prodigal Ben Solo/KyloRen
destroyed (2 Sam. 18:15); I want to save him from himself. I
want him to know that he’s forgiven and loved. While justice
for perjury must be served, I will love him through that time
of reckoning. My strong desire is to see this battle won with
him restored, reconciled, and a grateful recipient of God’s
grace: Saved by a Father’s love.

RIP Dr. Jeff McIlroy

 

I mourn the loss of Jeff. I did not know extremely him well, but always admired the way that he conducted himself and his affairs. He raised his son and daughter to be God loving examples of a reflection of Christ and I tried my best to emulate that quality. When I was waiting for trial Jeff went out of his way to be kind to me and offered me an opportunity for employment. Because of the difference I saw him make in people's lives I am pursuing a degree in substance abuse recovery so that I can make a positive difference in people's lives.

RIP Ralph Phillips