Living through the Night

You must learn to live through the night, not battle with it- Unknown

Another 100 days of being a falsely accused and unjustly incarcerated prisoner of hope (Zec 9:12); 2 Kings 2:25-27; Eph 5:8-20). The Lord has been faithful to bring restoration from the previous 100 days (#2100 3/21/18-6/1/18) as He has returned me to preferred housing, exposed the “rumor weeds” (Ps 94:18-22), and instructed me to return to school. Like Much-Afraid, He has given me hinds feet (Hab 3:19) so that I am able to do the future work that He has called me to do.

Over the past 100 days I have had to fight with intentionality to not fall into despair, not to let depression have a stronghold, to come out of the dark places, and to discover the blessings in the events of last spring. Everything, every event, in a believer’s life is Father filtered, even when it is hard to see it, or to understand why it happens. Senator John McCain, who passed away last month, expresses best my thoughts in his autobiography Restless Wave. McCain says, “what an ingrate I would be to curse the fate that concludes the blest life I’ve led. I prefer to give hanks for those blessings, and my love to the people who have blessed me with theirs.”

What an ingrate I would be to curse the Father filtered events (Rm 8:28-29) that in carceral circumstances of the blessed life I’ve led. Paul understood this in writing to the Corinthians about his thorn in the flesh (2 Cor 12). Those of us who say the Serenity Prayer understand this as well when we ask God to grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change (a fatalistic view), the courage to change the things we can (an activist view), and the wisdom to know the difference (a contemplative view).

Paul knew that life, even the life of the faithful disciple of Christ, would bring with it difficulties, depression, and darkness; and that consequently some measure of well being must come from an acceptance without unnecessary complaint or struggle of the unwelcome inevitability (2 Cor 1:8-9). Paul knew that in the beginning God made the sun and the moon, light and dark, day and night (Col 1:15-17). You must learn to live through the night, not to battle with it. Micah 7:88 was a mantra of mine during the past 100 days, “Do not gloat over me my enemy. Though I have fallen, I rise. Through I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.”

I recently was able to view the movie Unbroken, about Louie Zamparini’s time as a POW in Japan at the end of WWII. Watching this film deeply moved me, and I am certain that it will provide some much-needed motivation over the next 100 days. Several quotes have permanently made their way into my daily recitations: “If you can take it, you can make it”, “A moment of pain is worth a lifetime of glory”, “We beat them by making it to the end of the war alive”, and “Nothing is hopeless. If you keep your head and your heart you can do anything.”

While suffering as a POW makes my unjust incarceration seem like a vacation, there are many emotional, mental and spiritual similarities. In the September 2018 Sign of the Times magazine, an article titled “The Waiting Game” described Vice Admiral Jim Stockdale’s 7 years of confinement as a POW. When asked how he dealt with not knowing the future, Stockdale said, “I never lost faith in the end of the story…I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining moment of my life.”

When asked who didn’t make it out [of the Hanoi Hilton POW Camp] Stockdale said that was “the Optimist. They were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.” He went on to say, “This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.”

When Louie Zamparini was confronted by his nemesis’ admonition to “resign to your fate” he never did; at least not in the way Wantanabi meant him to. It seems paradoxical, but you must be an optimist and a pessimist, a fatalist, and activist and a realist all at the same time. This is what Mrs. Mead meant when she says, “Dear God, I hate you, love Margaret.” John the Baptist understood this while he sat in prison and cried out to his cousin, Jesus, for answers (Mt 11:2). Paul understood this while still a prisoner in Rome, yet he said, “I know whom I have believed in, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him with.” (2 Tim 1:12)

Everything that happens in a believer’s life is Father-filtered. God never wastes anything: not any despair, depression, or darkness. He would not give us abilities, interests, talents, gifts, personality and life experiences unless he intended us to use them for His, and our glory (Purpose Driven Life, Day #30). After his time as a POW John McCain had 4 children and a successful career as a senator for Arizona. He said, “I don’t have a complaint. Not one. It’s been quite a ride. I’ve known great passion, seen amazing wonders, fought in a war, and helped make peace. I made a small place for myself in the story of America and the history of my times.

Jim Stocdale dedicated his life to service to POWs, was president of the Citadel, and ran for Vice-President of the United States in 1992. Louie Zamparini eventually had 2 children and became an evangelist after an encounter with Billy Graham. People often called him an optimist, and he would respond, “Am I an optimist? An optimist says the glass if ½ full. A pessimist says the glass is ½ empty. A survivalist is practical. He says, “Call it what you want, but just fill the glass. I believe in filling the glass.”

Out of my own depression, despair, and darkness last spring God called me to go back to school so that when I emerge from my prison, I am better equipped to help other people find hope, health, and healing from life’s hurts, habits, and hang-ups. “not only did God shape me before my birth, he planned everyday of my life, [even my incarceration] to support his shaping process.” David continues, “Every day of my life has been recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” (Ps 139:16) (Purpose Driven Life, Day #30). (will prevail in the end. My story is not over yet! (Day #1800) This experience will be the defining moment of the next half of my life. Like McCain, Stockdale, and Zamparini I will emerge from this prison experience stronger, more confident, and ready to use my hind feet in service to my Lord, and to others. As I play ut my Father’s filtered fate to be trained in the “wisdom to know the difference’ I resolve to live through the night not battle against it; to never forget in the light what I learned in the darkness. To fill my glass with His light and let it lead me into my new future. (Ps 119:105)