Each day is a new beginning. I know that the only way to
live my life is to try to do what is right, to take the long view, to give of
my best in all that the day brings, and to put my trust in God ~ Queen
Elizabeth
Distressfully blazing hot summer months and another 100 days
in prison have come and gone. During the summers of 2013-2019 I was warehoused
at the State owned and DOC operated Crabtree facility, in far northwest
Oklahoma, where there was no air-conditioning and July through September felt
like 90+ days of hell flamed misery. Sleeping was difficult, and while we had
an operable window in our cell to provide some limited relief, the tradeoff was
the thin veil of crimson dust that lacquered everything in your cell each
morning. The only respite from the heat were the hours I spent at work. The
summers of 2020 and 2021 were spent at Cushing and Lawton respectively. These for-profit
privately-owned facilities complied with Federal regulations and were air
conditioned. However, due to covid and security issues, we only went outside,
out of doors, maybe 50 times total in two years. In 2021 the state-run
facilities finally were forced to comply with Federal regulations and installed
heat/air conditioning in all their units inside of all its facilities. When I
was moved to the state owned and DOC operated Lawton facility on 12-17-2021
they had a brand-new HVAC system that was running at peak efficiency. The dry
heat roasted us in the winter, and blessedly, during this summer of 2022 the
air conditioning in my chattle stall has left me quite often chilled to the
core.
Ultraviolet rays have turned my skin very brown the past
100+ days of summer, kept a water bottle in my hands at all times, and drove us
all inside from 4-7 o'clock. I do not know how inmates previously sequestered
at this facility survived these Oklahoma summers. These units are built like
human kilns. The individual cells are very compact. The windows are not built
to be opened. Former Inmates for decades had to have quite literally baked in
their cells. What this state did to its former incarcerates prior to a/c was
truly inhumane. The physical and mental torture caused by the oppressive summer
heat was most definitely cruel and unusual. I understand the need for
incarceration. We will always need prisons. However, being incarcerated in a
prison, removed from society, IS the
punishment for a crime. Being treated as less than human whether in
nutritional standards, the gross neglect of mental, emotional, and educational enrichment,
verbal abuse and power trips, or substandard living accommodations (including
no a/c) is just plain wrong and un-Christ like.
Lawton has huge benefits over other yards, one of my
favorites being the ability to accomplish a daily run on a proper flat surface.
I ran almost everyday while at Crabtree, despite the broiling summer heat and
bone chilling winter cold. At Cushing and Lawton, I did the best I could to
"run" inside my unit, often just up and down the stairs. It has been
such a blessing to be able to run again while at Granite. Prior to the Main
Yard being opened up during the day, running inside of the cramped self-contained
Unit yard was a challenge involving 12 hard corners every one eighth of a mile
lap. Once they opened the Main Yard in
May I've been able to easily go 5-6 miles a day during the summer. I've
completed three miles each morning while praying, and then another 2-3 each
afternoon with a sobriety group to encourage them in their recovery(A).
Crabtree had a janky track that made a daily outing feel
more like rugged trail running rather than moving forward along a static path.
The Crabtree track morphed and shifted after every downpour or strong wind
sweepin' down the plain. It left you covered with a souvenir coating of red
dust each time you ran. The main yard at Granite has a paved quarter mile run
with long straightaways. It makes for a physically safer, more stable, and even
keeled surface for this 54-year-old. However, during my afternoon run
especially, the raw cement was scorching hot. On June 30th I bought a new pair
of OKDOC Rawling's shoes. By August 30th they were worn out. After only 300
miles the soles were literally broken in half, the shoe bodice was melting away
from its sole, and because I was sweating so much and that sweat was pooling at
my feet, the cardboard reinforcing the inner cushion had rotted through. I had
to do some inmate rehab on them to extend their life. By September 26th there
was no more I could do to continue to fix them. Thankfully, OKDOC had recently
approved a new Nike running shoe. I hated spending so much money on another
pair of shoes so soon, but they have made a big difference to the health of my
feet, knees, and hips.
I ran so consistently over the summer, to the point of
melting the shoes right off of my feet, that I was given the moniker
"runnin' man". I enjoyed my three-mile private morning prayer time,
but even more so the 3 p.m. runs supporting the men seeking sobriety. Rather, I
enjoyed the walk-and-talk cool down sessions after the midday sobriety run in
the oppressive heat as we opened up genuinely and honestly about the hurts,
habits, and hangups we were facing and the alternatives to imbibing in the
behaviors that we know aren't the best for us. Ironically, I hate running! I
hate sit-ups and burpees! But I give of my best and just do it anyway. Even
when it hurts, I give of my best and just do it anyway. Even when I am tired, I
give of my best and just do it anyway. Even when I am not happy about the heat,
the sweat, the money spent on shoes, and the pain in my knees, I give of my
best and just do it anyway. But I do love helping other brothers explore the
roots of their hurts, habits, and hang-ups more than I despise a 100-degree 95
percent humidity run. But I give of my best and just do it anyway.
Unfortunately, one of the things I still struggle to outrun
are my vacillating feelings regarding my children. Specifically, my thoughts
trying to make senses of why my prodigal told the bitter lies he told, and
apparently still stands by them. I am
concerned for him now, for his future life, and most importantly his future
time in front of the white throne of judgement. Job tells us that evil is sweet
in the mouth [of a liar] but ....it will become venom within him(1). The
prophet Isaiah pronounces woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who
puts darkness for light and light for darkness, who puts bitter for sweet and
sweet for bitter(2). Proverbs warns that fraud tastes sweet(3) and that stolen
water is sweet unto death(4). As I run, I often struggle with wondering where I
went wrong with him. What might I have done that caused him to turn on me?
Where did I fail him? And I pray for him. He confessed Jesus as Lord and Savior
when he turned 10. I know his eternal salvation is secure, but his crowns and
his rewards certainly seem to be in a diminished condition.
Similarly, I have had those same thoughts about King Jesus
these past 3700 days. As I run, I often struggle with wondering where I went
wrong with Him. What might I have done that caused Him to turn on me? Where did
I fail Him? But I know that those questions are false narratives that Satan
just messes with me over. I know where the window is that I left cracked open.
I know that my King did not "do this to me", though He most certainly
has allowed the lies and liars to rise up and be successful in their evil
plots. So, I have to just give of my best and make myself praise, worship, and
honor him with my character, conduct, and conversation anyway. Even when it
hurts. Even when I am tired. Even when I am not happy about the heat, the
sweat, the money spent on shoes, and the pain in my knees, I give of my best
and just praise, honor, and worship him anyway. Even though my children have
abandoned me I just praise, honor, and worship him anyway. Even though I
desperately miss my freedom and full constitutional rights I just praise,
honor, and worship him anyway. I trust that my Nazarene King has me listed in
His scroll and will soon collect this treasured jewel(5). When difficulties
arise or my thoughts turn to defeat, I just give of my best and praise, honor,
and worship him anyway.
EXcellence, absolute excellence, in thought or behavior or
in the way I praise, honor, and worship is neither expected nor required by our
King. Tozier said that just as the excellence of good is its purity, and the
excellence of art is its beauty, the excellence of man is its character. Trying
to reflect the character, conduct, and conversation of Christ our Nazarene
King, especially behind these granite walls, is not always easy, welcomed, or seemingly
the strongest hand to play. In a season where so many ministers are separating
from their congregations because of retrumplican politics, one thing that has
helped me thrive the past 9 months, that has been a strengthening grace
actually, is the strong chaplaincy program offered here. Every Sunday communion
is offered by a Church of Christ volunteer named Terry Poff. Celebrate Recovery
is offered every Tuesday evening and is sponsored by a staff member, her
husband Mark Benedict and Scott Devore. We are blessed with consistent
volunteers who show up each Friday, Saturday, and Sunday evening. The Edmond
based Crossings Church visits every other Sunday to minister (and bring Krispy
Kreme donuts). Their church was created with the express intent of supporting
inmates and they just built, dedicated, and turned over to the State a brand
new million-dollar chapel at the Harp facility. Just as the excellence of a man
is shown in his character, the excellence of a ministry is as well.
Along with consistently running the past 100 days I spent
the summer reading quite a bit as well. I read two Cassandra Clare trilogies,
The Dark Artifices and The Infernal Devices and her six book Mortal Instruments
series. I also have utilized the State's vast inter library loan process to
continue reading the newest Marvel/Disney Star Wars cannon. These books have
offered a grounding refamiliarization with characters whom I have loved since I
was 8 years old. I've spent more money on postage to borrow these books than I
have on canteen, but I can allow my mind to wander, and I can get lost a long,
long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
September saw me refilling the Commutation Packet I had just
filed in March, per the request of the Pardon and Parole Board, using their brand-new
form and format(C). They wanted some more information and insight into who I
am, the perjury of my prodigal Absalom/Kylo, and what my future plans are(6).
My Count 2 discharge date is just 24 days away. The Parole Investigator has
already had me fill out a Parole Interview Questionnaire. As I read again the
Narrative(7) of the circumstances leading to my unjust incarceration and also
consider the possibilities of being released I am continually having to recommit to forgiving
my prodigal Absalom. I also begin to realistically contemplate what my life
looks like upon my release. I look forward to reintegrating into all aspects of
society, including my family, ministry, employment, and social media. However,
I do not want to become the victim of doom scrolling rage farmers (8), internet
trolls, my own spit gate, or holier than thou pew sitters and Christian
Nationalists.
Pedantically, from what I am learning from pod casts(9) and
see on television, it seems that most Millennials, my prodigal included (at
least the 17–20-year-old version of him that I am last familiar with) can be
such emotional hemophiliacs. Christians in general seem so squeamish and touchy
right now. I pray that I can muster enough patience, bite my tongue, and be
filled with enough grace that I afford myself the opportunity to reassimilate
where and when I can, while also standing up for what is right and just.
Getting past brainfeel may be the newest challenge for me. The dichotomy
between "Nobody's gonna know" and "They're gonna know",
requires that I pray for my tongue often. James encourages us, me, to tame the
tongue it can be sweet and salty and corrupt
the whole body(10). David reminds me that gracious words were sweet to the soul
(11) and I assume that is to my soul, as well as the soul of the recipient, to
which that sweet graciousness applies.
Each day is a new beginning. I know that the only way to
live my life now, and upon my impending discharge, is to do what is right,
merciful, and led by grace. Just as I have done to survive and thrive these
past 3700 days, I need to continue to take the long view. I need to be prepared
to give of my best in all that the day brings, and to put my trust in God. It
is a strategy that worked well for the recently passed Queen Elizabeth. It is a
strategy that worked well for Joseph(12) after his weaponized false allegation
of assault landed him in prison. It is also a strategy that worked well for
Job(13), for Ruth(14), for Mephibosheth(15), for Jehoiachin(16), and will work
well for me too.
Realistically, I know that the first year, or two, after my
discharge may be difficult. Everything about my life has to be reestablished.
While I've already lived a vibrantly rich and abundantly full life, there are
still longings in my heart for the future. Upon my discharge I will be like the
survivor of a house fire needing to rebuild from the bottom up including the
tangible basics like underwear, deodorant, and hair gel all the way to a job,
car, and home. I also don't want to just be an NPC. There are also those ephemeral
longings of my heart to be a father, grandfather, and having a sense of purpose
that only faith filled service provides. I still have items on my bucket list
to cross off(B). Proverbs proclaims that a longing fulfilled is sweet to the
soul (17).
I will keep calm and canteen on! I will eventually reach
back to the familiarity of strangers that I leave behind and encourage them as
they hang on to hope for their own
future. I will eventually speak up for continued criminal justice reform for
our state. I will fight for a conviction integrity unit for Tulsa County. I
will be grateful for the opportunity to express the true care, compassion, and
concern that Jesus Christ has for those who suffer injustice. I will also be
grateful for the opportunity to expose the truly prejudicial, political, and
predetermined injustices sought by the prosecutors of the Tulsa County District
Attorney's Office, injustices adjudicated in Tulsa County Courtrooms, and
injustices agreed to by well meaning, but maliciously maligned, manipulated,
and marionetted Tulsa County Jurors. Someone must stand up to the injustices
wrought in Tulsa County. Someone must stand up to those who, like Potiphar’s
wife, so many "Karens", and my Prodigal Absalom, used weaponized
false allegations of sexual abuse in order to seek revenge or exercise power
over an individual they want to just see disappear. As Aunt Mae Parker says, "When you help
someone you help everyone".
Sweeter after difficulty is an old maximum that reflects
what Solomon says in Ecclesiastics. He postulates that light is sweet and it
pleases the eyes to see the sun....but to remember the days of darkness (18). I
choose to believe that the past 3700 days that the Lord has allowed me to
experience has some greater purpose to serve. I choose to believe the Word that
He will restore all that the locust have eaten. It will be hard work to return
to society, and to do it well. I will need to keep my tongue tamed. I pray to
have wisdom sweet like honey (19) as I emerge from this banishment. Each day
will be a new beginning. I know that the only way to live my life is to try to
do what is right, to take the long view, to give of my best in all that the day
brings, and to put my trust in God. May this meditation be sweet to the Lord
(20).
Endnotes
(A.) In my day #3600 Reflection I lamented my sense of
purposefulnessless. I also was sad because I was so lonely. I had shared both
sentiments with my Celebrate Recovery® accountability group. In the way that
only the Lord can do, He took that longing and turned it into ministry. It
began with a single man who was struggling with remaining sober whom asked me
to run with him in the afternoon, which I agreed to do. Then another man joined
on a daily basis, and then others would join in off and on. I soon had a
purpose as pace setter. But more important, as the oldest man of the group, and
the one with the longest relationship with Jesus, I became the
conversation/listening/reflecting pace setter. I so enjoyed, and felt a sense
of fulfillment, during our cool down laps where we walked and talked about
(unknown to them) the root causes of their hurts, habits, and hangups. I guided
them through a verbally shared Step Four Moral Inventory without them realizing
it.
As a result of running everyday at the same times, for the
same distances, and the same paces, even staff came to take note of the
activity. Bystanding inmates, staff, and security would step aside when they
saw us coming their way. Several employees would offer encouragement, and they
would even delay closing the yard until our runs were finished. Many inmates
would compliment our commitment and say how they wish they could join in but
for their variety of ailments. Little did they know that I too was suffering
with knee and hip pain, as well as disintegrating shoes, yet was running
anyway.
1. Job 20:12
2. Isaiah 5:20
3. Proverbs 20:17
4. Proverbs 9:17
5. Malachi 3:10 Jail Day # 3653 10 Years 9-1-2022
(C) Our DOC issued Securustech.net tablets are a valuable lifeline.
It's like holding a key to the outside world. Suddenly, last December, that
world became available to me. Loved ones are an email, text, or call away. If I
want to hear a word of encouragement, it is just seconds away. I wish those on
the outside realized how deeply appreciated any small text and picture were. If
I need a googled answer, its now readily available. With my brothers help I can
have typed professional documents ready for the court and Pardon and Parole
Board in just days. Now, if I could just get more people to contact me!
6. http://ManassehEphraim.blogspot.com/my-future-plans.HTML
7. http://ManassehEphraim.blogspot.com/
8. Romans 8:31-34
9. I listen to a variety of daily podcasts including Wait,
Wait Don't Tell Me, Stuff You Should Know, Stuff to blow your mind, Bible
Project, Rick Warren, Joel O'Steen, Steven Furtick, Biblical Counseling Today,
Elevation Recovery, Focus on the Family, Counselors Toolbox, Pop Culture Happy
Hour, RISK, Ear Hustle, Story Corps, SCI FRI, Watch, CBC Laugh Out Loud, CBC As
It Happens, NYT The Daily, Merriam Websters Word of the Day, Way with Words,
The Moth, 40+ Fitness, Trauma Therapist, 4 different Ted Talks, Car Talk, 60
Second Sci., But Why?, Good Job Brain, Grammar Girl, Hidden Brain, How To,
Invisibilia, Mike Rowe, and The Guardian Weekly Science.
10. James 3:11
11. Proverbs 16:24
12. Genesis 50:20
13. Job 42:10
14: Ruth 2:12
15. 2 Samuel 9
16. 2 King's 25:29
(B) NPC = Non-playing character, Bucket List = being a
grandfather, owning a home again, being in love again, skydiving, traveling to
Italy, Greece, Jerusalem, Egypt, Morocco, teaching college, writing a book,
having an age appropriate six pack abs, going on an archeological dig, going on
a cattle drive, noodling, biking/hiking the Appalachian trail, being on
Survivor or Amazing Race or having some survival type experience (beyond the
one I am currently cast in), cooking/baking, working on my ancestry tree.
17: Proverbs 13:17
18. Ecclesiastics 11:7
19. Proverbs 24:17
20. Psalms 104:34
#Dulcius ex asperis
