tWitch

Recently, father, husband, brother-in-Christ, and multi talented entertainer Stephen Laurel "tWitch" Boss committed suicide on 12/14. I'd never met and certainly don't know him, other than the persona and interviews he'd given on television, but for some reason his death has shocked and rocked me. During these ten years of warehoused incarceration I've been able to watch him enter the realm of pop culture, especially his time on the Ellen Degeneres show, and now exit from this plane of existence. He seemed to have been endowed and favored by King Jesus with an idealistic life. I especially admired what a devoted father and husband that he not only seemed to be, but that so many have given testimony about since his passing.

Exactly what was is that caused him so much pain that he felt that suicide was his only solution? I'll be watching and reading the news intently for that answer. I've definitely considered committing acts of self harm over the past ten years as I continue to suffer the repercussions of my prodigal's weaponized false allegation, specifically from the loneliness, isolation, rejection, and purposefullessness that I continue to battle against. But what were tWitch's triggers? What was is about his life that left him so overwhelmingly distraught? Halford Luccock said, "empathy is your pain in my heart," and I'm quite certain that this is the pain my heart currently feels. Verisimilitude best describes how I perceived tWitch's demeanor. Every time I saw him on television he was bringing joy to others through his dance, his compassion, his humor, and his generosity. When he appeared with his family you could not only see the joy in his demeanor, but it exuded through the screen. That was all my heart has ever longed for, and still does: to be the father that the Lord created me to be. It's all I ever wanted. It's all that I still desire. To be out of this chattled warehouse, living in a tent along Riverside Drive, and cleaning toilets at Walmart into my eighties would all be OK as long as I could have a restored relationship with my prodigal, my daughter, and any future grandchildren. Why wasn't being an active and attentive father and husband enough for tWitch? I assume that there were no financial worries. I know that over the past decade that he's shared openly in interviews about some of his mental health issues and was an advocate for counseling and therapy. He just appeared to be a man who had it all together. I guess what concerns me the most is that I'm just a few weeks into this move at Jess Dunn and my feelings of isolation and purposefullessness have reemerged. I miss the handful of people I was beginning to get to know at Granite. Now that there is an open question about being able to easily accomplish a daily run, which I did for my mental health just as much as for my cardio health, that makes me frustrated. That combined with the overwhelming ETS is surely affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Very luckily for me and the other men warehoused here, this yard offers several opportunities for spiritual development. I'm attending Crossing Community Church and the church of Christ (sponsored by Fort Gibson church of Christ) services on Sunday as well as a New Life Behavior 12 step program. I am not having thoughts of self harm or suicidal ideations, I'm just melancholy over missing the life and routine that I had established at Granite. Once again being FORCED to upheave my life and having little say over the direction my life is taking. The only choices I get to make are how I react to the DOC's decisions for me as well as my reactions to the actions of the strangers I live among. I'm just not sure why tWitch's death landed on me the way it did. I'm not sure why I am empathizing as deeply as I am.

I guess part of my issues is that if someone like tWitch cannot endure the pressures of a post George Floyd, post Donald Trump world, what are my chances of possibly being a successful 60 something upon my reentry? I have zero savings, zero retirement, and my employment opportunities may be severely restricted because of the nature of my prodigal's weaponized false allegations and Oklahoma's treatment of those they erroneously, ambiguously, and over zealously label as sex offenders. Kimberly and Brandon have committed acts of identity theft and credit fraud using my name and government numbers to apply for lines of credit they then defaulted on. My fight to reestablish my name and reputation upon my release will be a continual uphill battle. Fortunately, after walking and talking to the Lord about Twitch's suicide for a few days, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that what really and truly bothers me most about Twitch's death is wondering where God was in the middle of tWitch's pain while he was still residing in this plane of existance. I wonder the same about the Ukrainians. Where is He in the middle of the aggression and death Putin has imposed upon them? I still vomit in my mouth a bit at the thought of the overt rise of racism and white nationalism still promoted by the twice impeached, disgraced, former president and those who still espouse and promulgate those retrumplican values. Those three events continue to raise the same questions in my mind concerning where God has been in my own situation over the past 10-13 years, beginning with Brandon running away (4-22-09), Martha's initial lie (10-21-09), the weaponized false allegation levied against me (5-5-10), and the split verdict (9-1-12). I am thankful for God's protective hand during my incarceration and the daily Manasseh and Ephriam blessing, but still often wonder why it had to come to this, why He allowed this, why HE CHOOSES to CONTINUE to allow this. Why allow so many Ukrainian families and fathers and children to perish under a wicked oppressors depraved mindset? Why allow tWitch's pain to now have such a permanent and lifelong impact imposed upon his children? Yielding once again to my empathy, feelings, and reticences was not, is not, healthy. God, through his Holy Spirit, reminded me that Satan still holds the lease to this planet (thanks a lot Eve) and that Earth is still his playground. While God and his angelic hosts can still intervene, the planet does not belong back to him, yet. Satan hates us. Satan despises our creation. The war that he started in Heaven before Genesis 1:1 continues to play out these eons later, and humanity (and our planet) bares witness with its scars. I know my grief over tWitch is really about my own sense of present and future losses, but my heart truly goes out to his wife and children. I continue to claim reconciliation and restoration for and with my children, and well as claiming Joel 2:25 that King Jesus will restore in abundance everything that He has allowed satan to usurp. I understand the desire to make the mental, emotional, and spiritual pain go away. However, I refuse to give Satan that victory. The Lord will prevail. He will use this experience to His glory and for my good. My story is not over yet. He uses the broken things to his advantage. There is value and beauty in the well worn, the patina, and the rough edges. There will be victory, restoration, reconciliation, and restitution. In Jesus name! Amen! #revivify #my story is not over yet #Wabi Sabi