Suffering without Shame

When we are no longer able to change our situation, we are forced to change ourselves-- Victor Frankl

When I was first arrested the state renamed me with the number 1190113, remanded me into their foreign culture, forced me into their acrobatic uniform, drastically restricted my diet and vengeful lay stripped me away from those I love (Daniel 1). In my desperation I cried out to God and He led me to Psalms 119:113, telling me, "Do not be two-faced." James also exhorted me "not to be two faced" (v 1-6).

As I continued to speak with God He expanded on this admonishment by progressively revealing the following instructions; to have trust without worry, faith without doubt, hope without despair, love without condition (to include forgiveness), to give Him glory without reservation, to have peace without fear, and joy without a roof.

Of late He has chanllenged me to celebrate the ablility, the gift, the growth of character that happens when we suffer for the cause of Christ without shame.

On 6/24/2014, Dr. Kinnear (on of our dedicated ministry volunteers) shared in an emotional testimony that she "would not be ashamed because of what God has allowed her to experience and grow through" (1 Peter 4:14-16). That thought, those words, resonated deep within my own spirit. Her powerful words motivated further conversation with God and helped me focus some thoughts I've had of late while waiting for these gun medaled fences topped with their glistening rows of icy sharp razor wire to release me. (Ps 18:19-20)

Suffering is new to me, or at least this type of prolonged and intensely personal suffering. By anyone's standards I've lead a blessed life of abundance: a good family, great childhood, an enduring 27 year long relationship and marriage, wonderful children, an excellent career, and fulfilling missions, ministry and personal achievement (Ps 128). There have been bumps along the way, but nothing God didn't use to bring an increase or bless me and my family through (Gen 50:20).

This trial, this suffering, birthed from the lies of my own prodigal Absolom (2 Sam 15; Luke 15) to gain an inheritance before its time, began in April 2009 and culminated with my unjust imprisonment three years later on Aug. 31, 2012. Being in jail itself is the location of my suffering get, but not its root. Joining the likes of Joseph, Jeremiah, Johachin, Daniel, John the Baptist, Paul, Peter and others, while a hardship, was not the reason why I suffer. The Word tells us that some will be jailed for the cause of Christ (2 Tim 2, Rev 2:10). Yes, I was in jail, but my suffering was rooted in my broken and aching heart for my family, especially my daughter (Ruth 13, Gen 37:39, Mark 5:23).

My only true ambition in life was to be a great parent (Gen 12, 1 Sam 1). I knew from a young tween that that was my highest calling. I come from a great loving family and that's all I really aspire for. So I've struggled, often, when Jesus admonishes that, "you will be betrayed by your own family" (Luke 21:10), or that He came to "turn sons against their fathers", and that "your worst enemy will be in your own family" (Mt 10:35-36). Such prophetic notions seemed so foreign to me, but have become the source of my greatest suffering (2 Sam 19; Gen 37).

Like the rich young ruler, Jesus has called for, arranged for, me to surrender that which I hold most dear. In my journey to become more like Christ, the thing holding me back (Mark 10:29-31) while not wealth but something I valued as much, if not more than my Savior, was my family, especially my children. Unlike Hannah (1 Sam 1), when Jesus says in Luke 18 that "anyone who gives up home, or wife or children will be given much more in this life". I found the challenge too daunting. I would have had a very difficult time "leaving everything" (v.28) as Peter said he did if that included my young children. My suffering comes as a result of Satan being released to challenge that which I self-righteously held as a barrier between myself and God (Luke 22:31; 2 Chron 32; Job 1). While not wealth or belongings I certainly exalted my family and my role in it.

There is no shame in my imprisonment. I am not guilty of the accusations that 12 random people were convinced of by a lying, entitled, and disillusioned son, a dishonest and prideful led DA's office (Acts 6:11, Mt 26:54), and a greed filled soul (Ps 94:20-21; 64:3-5; 27:12). John warns,"do not worry about what you will suffer. The devil will throw some of your into jail, and you will be tested and made to suffer" (Rev 2:10). Jesus even says "when (not if) you are arrested...because of (your faithfulness to) Him" that we are to remain faithful (Mark 13:11-13). Through God's mercy there is no physical or mental suffering in this imprisonment (Ps 79:4; 31:7-8; 40:1-3). God has kept His word to keep me safe. My suffering was in the painful emotional separation from my family. I have no shame because of my incarceration on this Crabtree mission field (Acts 16:25-31). Many have been falsely imprisoned before me, and unfortunately others will follow (Prov 6:1-9).

Romans encourages us to gladly suffer because we know that suffering helps us to endure, and endurance builds character, which gives us a hope that will never disappoint us (Rm 5:3-5).

Peter almost seems to thrill in his encouragement "to not be ashamed to suffer for being a Christian, but to count it a blessing" (1 Peter 4:14-16). I find further comfort in his instructions to "give a kind and respectful answer and to keep your conscience clear. This way you will make people ashamed for saying bad things about your good conduct as a follower of Christ" (v. 3:16).

Suffering causes us to meet Jesus in a new way. It increases our trust and deepens our reliance upon Him to act for our good. There is little more I can do to gain my own release. Only He can transform the hearts of those who have lied, exposing their duplicity and revealing the truth. I have filed the legal motions I can, but without an attorney, or parents (Luke 21:16) or wife to actually and actively aggressively pursue my freedom, I am at a significant disadvantage.

I am forced to be totally reliant upon Him, and to follow His prompting some. My goal is to not be two-faced as this time of sanctification, suffering, endurance, and character building continues to run the course God has established. I will continue to keep my eyes on the Lord, to shine like the sun and never blush with shame (Prov 34:5), knowing that the Lord will be true to His word to keep me alive and strong (Ps 119:116). I want to emerge from this Crabtree mission field not only  exonerated, but as a more fully developed, more mature version of myself (Philemon) because of the shameless character building achieved through endurance, wrought through suffering (Rm 5:3-5), sanctified by God (Ps 139:13-16; Rom 8:29), free to return to my family, more blessed than before and sharing my unashamed-ness (Job 42:12, 2 Kings 25:27-30).